How long did it take you to to accept a marriage is over (when it wasn't your idea to end it and it came as a surprise)?

[Downunderdolly]

Hi Wise Women

My husband left for the night six months ago. He lost his job a week later (obviously under a lot of stress) and we were a week into IVF (TTC No 2) after a horrendous year TTC, having an ectopic pregnancy, then ending a much wanted pregnancy due to abnormalities at 14 weeks. We moved to IVF as I had just turned 40.

I didn't deal with the pregnancy losses brilliantly and was probably (with the benefit of hindsight) prickly and bad tempered etc etc but I honestly didn't think that our relationship itself was in trouble, just that we had had an awful year. To me he was amazing and supportive and arranged wonderful birthday w/end etc etc, was saying and doing nice things. We had a few quite bad rows the week or so before he left but I thought they had been resolved so it was a huge shock to me. I thought it was a stress reaction to the turmoil we had had and his job but no, it seems this is it. We went to joint counselling once and he said he didn't want to save the marriage. In a nutshell he says that he has spent the last year or so trying to make me happy and feeling like a failure because he can't and that he has built up huge resentment to both me and his previous employers and has to be on his own.

The situation is further complicated as I moved to Australia just over three years ago when 7 months pregnant with him (he is Australian) - did have trouble settling here was homesick etc - and I now find myself in a bewildering siutation as a single mother to a three year old, not having another child which has been (probably too much of a focus), having to go back to work (with no employment history here and living a little too far from the city to stay where I am (which is the only place I have friends in Oz), and although not 100% confirmed am likely to be legally obliged to stay here until my son is 18 without old friends and family for support at this awful time.

Net net I have been a mess and I still am. I can't seem to accept that the man I loved and I thought loved me has left me and is forcing me to stay in Australia, deciding our son is an only child and will be bought up in a single parent family environment, and has turned from a loving amazing husband to a cold, distant and at time very unpleasant person. I intellectually understand it but I can't seem to grasp it emotionally and keep expecting him to change his mind even though I know that this is not a possibility from conversations we have had.

So. HUGELY long post sorry but for those of you who have been blindsided by someone you loved and trusted, when did you come to terms with it. I just can't seem to. Thanks for your words of advise if you made it this far.

Thanks Rabbit. I have found a counsellor I like which has helped a little but she says it is likely to be a slow road and is also a bit shocked by the position I am in in the sense of emotional, financial and geographical impact! I haven't seen her in the last few weeks due to financial issues (more cash flow than no cash) but will continue to go. I know I need to deal with both the end of the marriage and the end of my dream of a larger family and the end of my dream of a family, plus the reality of not even been able to go back to my old life as that was in London.....we were together 6 years. My old life seems like an age ago. I used to be successful, independent and positive and now I feel like I am a forty year old single parent with not much to look forward to. I am trying to shake myself into action and shake myself even into hating him so I can get a bit of self respect back but the reality is I love him and miss him and my old life desperately.

Sorry this has happened to you. It is very tough. Counselling should help greatly. YOu do have a lot to deal with but it is not impossible. I think to answer you question from my experience is that you would feel somewhat better after 9 to 12 months and much better after about 2 years. Time does help enormously. What you have to do is cope every day for the moment. Try to build up your support whether by Skypeing with loved ones far away, trying to find single parent groups where you are and trying to build up friendships through baby/toddler groups etc.Also there is a lot of career moves so maybe you might find some friends/contacts move to Oz in time. Ask old friends/relatives if they have any contacts where you are moving to.

There can be support groups for separated/divorced people so maybe search locally/on the internet for those.

Is any support/counselling available as after support from your IVF clinic?

Of course you miss your old life -what you are going through is very tough. Do what you can do and dont beat yourself up. Hopefully you can get some support on here too and hope it helps. Reach out to anyone who cares for you where locally or far away -it all helps!

you have had so much to deal with. my god woman.

as you say, with the 'head' it took me about two yrs, but with the heart about 4 and counting.

It's the shock, and disbelief.

Is there absolutely no way you can fight to come back?

Thanks ladies. I am have seen about three lawyers and they say that I have about a 10-15% chance of being able to come back (without his permission which he won't give)as they have to prove that I would be a better mother in the UK and that he would have a relationship with his father and its a fine line between proving that and not making me out like a looney tunes who can't cope (as he would be keen to have more custody and out here they start at 50/50 shared care and work backwards). To be honest I don't want my son to live in a different country than his father - who is a good one - but I dont' see why he can't come back to the UK given it is his decision and we met and married there and had talked about going back for at least a few years as I was unhappy. On a very basic level I feel like it is just not fair - he gets everything he wants - to live over here see his family and friends, see his son for the good times, have a high paying job without worrying about child care, being single etc whereas I get nothing that I want at all, nothing (aside from my lovely son). It breaks my heart that he will grow up without two parents in the same house and without a sibling although he is currently bouncing naked on my bed shouting I'm a pirate so I think he will be Ok ; ) ....just hope that I can be a happy joyous mother and not the very teary one that I am now (although I try not to be in front of him). Valentines's Day doesnt' help I guess. I am away for a couple of nights with a friend visiting from overseas but please keep the advise coming. I just can't imagine a time when I don't dream of him and wake up in the morning and feel like I am in an plummeting elevator when I realise it has really happened and its just me now.

I am also a little pissed off. How can a marriage just END without even a proper conversation FFS. He is 43. Would it have been beyond the wit of man for him to say "I am unhappy, this needs to change, we need to do x". He has subsequently said that he did tell me things weren't right but even with the benefit of hindsight I would have had to have been a cryptic detective to have worked it out. I guess that is another thing. I am not a stupid person. Job wise I have had to previously have a high(ish) degree of emotional intelligence and the ability to read people. He isn't a stupid person and yet I find myself in a situation where I didn't see the end of my marriage coming. It makes me question everything about my judgement and my intelligence and whether I am just this phenomenally self absorbed person that has been dreadful and has no self awareness. I want to be kind to myself but I really hate myself for ruining my own life and that of my son. I feel like I have been the architect of my own downfall by not being happy enough when now I see that I had heaps to be happy about. When I lost the babies I thought that I would never feel as bad again but now I am envious of that level of pain as compared to this it seems quite easy.

So sorry Downunder, your situation sounds terrible. Have you seen Reunite's website- I'm sure the australian lawyers are right about your chances of being allowed to return to Britain but there are forums on Reunite for people in a similar situation to you, and there are probably support groups in Australia. As someone on here once advised, just sit with your feelings and keep breathing, unitl it gets easier. Life is long. You have some advantages- you're in an English- speaking country, you have a career behind you so you should be able to get reasonable work at some point, the father should be able to pay maintenance if he has a good job, he's keen to do some childcare so you get SOME time to breathe though I know that initially parting from your child is the LAST thing you want, but you get usd to it and even to appreciate the free time.)

It sounds like it's a bit soon for you to be able to contemplate your future without him, but when you do, remember these things and try to use the positives to your advantage.

Sorry you are feeling so bad.

I meant the fuutre w/out your husband, not w/out yr son of course, sorry!

I agree that it probably takes about two years until you feel 'normal' - but grief is NOT a linear process so please don't beat yourself up if some days you feel worse than others, or feel like you are going backwards.

You have so much to cope with and process that, it is going to be a hard road, but it does get better. I think counselling could really help. It is easy to get caught in unhelpful patterns of thinking which will slow down your recovery.

Best of luck. There are loads of us who have been exactly where you are now, and sadly I am sure many more of us who will be there in the future. Life can only be understood backwards, but must be lived forward. Regrets are horrible and bitter but they need not define your entire life from here on, not unless you let them.

Thanks Fridascruffs, I will check out the Reuniute website I hadn't heard of it so thank you. I know that compared to some people I am in an OK position, as you say I have earning capacity and have language on my side. I guess I have to get my head around the fact my life is going to look very different. We have a lawyers round table soon to try and sort out money we were trying to sort ourselves but have come to an impass. I don't think he is out to shaft us on that front but we have different ideas of what is reasonable which also isn't helped by the legal framework here. They don't have maintainance, just child support which caps out (in terms of legal requirement) at a level of earnings which is less than half of his - after which they rely on a moral compass - and whilst he is proposing to pay a little more than he has to legally I don't think it is quite an a fair level...he has also taken the family car etc as he pays the lease (and we have his old surf mobile which is servicable but fairly crappy etc - again he made such a big deal of having a safe car for our son to drive around in and now it seems he could care less). He also rented a hugely expensive flat on the beach a day after he moved out knowing that we have a big mortgage (house is on the market) so money at the moment is a bit $$$$. It is also complicated by the fact that I had about 95% of our money when we married so even if I was so inclined I can't 'take him to the cleaners'....in fact it is the opposite - I am trying to hold onto as much $$ that was mine before and he stands to do 'better' in that sense (I know that is not the point of all of this but its quite galling as all of our savings (read mine) have been ploughed through during the time he wasn't working. He was very generous though with his money (he was sole earner) when we were married and spent little on himself so I don't want to be an arsehole about things but as my earning capacity whilst my son is little is reduced I also need to be sensible. God its all such a mess and so horrid when it gets to the money part. I wish wish wish it could all go away ; (

Spero - Life can only be understood backwards, but must be lived forward = gosh that is resonating - thank you

It's not my quote! But I can't remember who said it. But so true. So easy to get sucked into regrets, but what is gone is gone and although you will struggle to see it now, you really do have so much to be grateful for. I am sure you can build a wonderful life for you and your son; just got to get this really crap bit out of the way first.

having a really awful week and just can't believe the way I am acting. I just can't seem to accept emotionally that my marriage is over and I am stuck in Oz as a single parent and have to find a way to support my son without missing out on too much of his childhood given he will be my only child. My soon to be ex said this morning that he feels nothing for me other than as a good mother to our son. I hear the words, I understand them but I just can't believe it as he was always so loving and reassuring and adoring until the day he left. I feel like I have a mental illness in relation to him as I just can't seem to get my head around how he could just leave and feel nothing after 6 years together and a three year old. He never ever told me he was unhappy, a week before he left I had left a stupid message on FB to friends in the UK saying that I wish I had never discovered a certain type of biscuit over here and he posted that me loving them made him love me even more etc etc....i know that does not prove anything but use as an example of how I was so blind sided by this. I know I need to get myself together for the sake of all of us and I used to be so fucking able and independent. I don't know where I have gone, I feel like I have disappared along with my plan for the rest of my life.

Dolly I had a similar feeling years ago when i found out my boyfriend (who was my sort of ex by then but we were still seeing a lot of each other and sleeping together) had also been sleeping with my best friend - she and i were living together at the time.

It had been going on for about 5 months or so. And I had suspected something but almost hadn't admitted it to myself, I think as a way of avoiding confronting what had been going on.

When a good friend finally told me, things went wierd. I remember being quite calm about it but feeling like i was mad - like the version of reality i had was a jigsaw done with pieces missing - no holes in it but just put together wrongly. When I found out what had been happening i had to take it all apart and put it back together again to make the real picture. Snippets of things that had happened would pop into my head and i would have to make sense them in the light of this new information. It was very strange but also almost a relief to start piecing together the truth. This might not be exactly your experience but I expect there's something similar going on.

It seems you really want him back and things to be as they were. Do you believe him that he doesn't love you anymore and that there's no going back? This might be the biggest hurdle for you in terms of moving on. It is possible to be really ambivalent about how you feel about someone - especially someone you've been through so much with. That you love them very much but that you are also desperately unhappy being with them. I've also been there.

So I think you will need some time to process the memories, the things he said and did, and make sense of them in this new light - and still believe that his lovingness was real, while at some point it became too hard for him. Also then to deconstruct the vision of the future you had and start building a different one.

I agree that the most important thing right now is to build your own life, and support networks in your (new?) neighbourhood. The biggest decision is whether to move. If your friends are really solid where you are, and you can find some other parents on their own to team up with, that might be the best place to stay.

If you can, try to be glad you're in the sunshine, look for the positives in being in Australia, and take it as an opportunity to make it YOUR home, rather than being there by default. If it helps, its cold, damp and grey here today and everyone's got vitamin D deficiency. Get to the park with your little 'un and set yourself a challenge to say hello to someone. This time will pass.

Dolly, tell us more about why this week in particular has been awful. Is it how you have been acting or how he has been acting? How did the conversation lead to him telling you he feels nothing for you? Did you ask him? Are you still hoping he is going to change his mind?

It sounds like you need to mentally build a wall around yourself to stop yourself being so vulnerable to comments like this.

Have you asked him outright why he would have posted loving comments about you a week before leaving you? It does seem very odd.

Is it at all possible there is someone else on the scene?

I am very sorry you are in this situation.

I think this week has been so bad as it started with Valentine's Day and kind of went down hill since there. It also seems to get worse each day rather than better due to feeling more 'real' and that each day it is more and more unlikely he will change his mind (which I know he won't but had been hoping). I am shocked by my behaviour - in that when I speak to him (he calls to speak to DS each day) despite me promising to myself that I won't say anything at all more often than not I end up crying and being fairly pathetic to him on the phone asking him to change his mind, asking him to be a family again, and then sometimes getting angry or shrill with him. I envy him his ability to have just turned off his feelings for me. I wish I could do the same for him or even feel anger for him rather than just this desperate saddness that we won't be together as I had thought and planned. I also (obviously fairly stupidly given the situation) thought that we were perfect for each other and it seems incredible to me that he hasn't felt the same way. Feathers, at the beginning I thought there may be someone else but now I don't think so (unless they are totally hidden). It would almost be a relief if there was to be honest, at least that would be more of an explanation. Have asked him why he didn't say anything to me why he was being nice etc and he kind of dodges that bullet and says that I should have seen that he was trying really hard and that something was wrong (when I just thought he was being nice as we had ended a much wanted pregnancy weeks before...indeed about 5 weeks before he left he arranged an amazing birthday weekend for me, fab hotel, haircut by celeb hairdressers, girls lunch etc). I don't think I would be feeling much better if I had seen it coming but at least would not be feeling so shocked and stunned.

Valentines Day would have been very hard.

It is probably going to take you a very long time to emotionally detach yourself but you need to see that he has already done so. Self preservation really needs to kick in now. Getting emotional is doing nothing to make him change his mind but is just making you feel more awful. It sounds like the 'switching off' in him that appeared so sudden to you was probably done in his own head a long time ago. And you may need to accept that you never do get a concrete explanation out of him as to why that happened. Although it will certainly make moving on harder.

As much as you wish you could go back to how things were, accept sooner rather than later that there is no rewind button. I agree with Dreamlady that you need to deconstruct the vision of the future you had and start building a new one. You have a lovely DS out of this relationship, you know you are a good mother, and you were and therefore are capable of being independent financially and emotionally.

FWIW I think the fact he didn't stand by you when you went through such a terrible time shows him to be less than the perfect man your heart is telling you he is.

Thanks Feathers. If I was my friend I would be advising me to behave in an entirely different fashion but each day the enormity of the challenges that I face hits me in the face. I also feel very responsible for why I am here as I did find it difficult to settle into life in Australia (the irony now I am stuck here) and could have acted better in terms of being less complainy about things. My husband now says he felt he couldn't talk to me about the pressures he was under at work and how he felt as he felt my solution would be to move back to the UK. I just thought we had time, I had time to adjust and to get a bit of luck with the ttc no 2 and that it was OK to be unhappy because of everything that happened. I wish I had got myself together a little more. But you are right. It isn't great is it to leave a wife 6 weeks after they end a second lost pregnancy. I need to remember that.

So sorry that you're going through this OP. You are now going to be grieving for your marriage and your lost future with your H, as well as for the second child you didn't manage to conceive together.

That's pretty heavy stuff so be kind to yourself and allow yourself the space and time for the grieving process to happen.

As someone who was bereaved, I can tell you from experience that the 'normal' amount of time it takes to grieve a loss is about 2 years.

I'm sure other wiser MNers than I will be along to give you more practical advice about how to cope with the immediate logistics.

Thank you Madonna and so sorry to hear about your bereavement. I hope you are in a good place now. You have hit the nail on the head when you say there is a lot to grieve for. I am shocked at how physical I feel the pain. I honestly didn't realise that it was possible to feel so much so constantly and feel very remorseful that I didn't fully understand how some of my friends felt when their marriages broke down (all a good many years ago now). I am also worried that I'm not even being a fabulous mother at the moment as I feel so on my knees - although I know at heart I am doing the best I can, its not the best that I could ever be and I'm worried that I will fuck up being a fab mother as well. It may sound odd but because I believe a series of small things built up to fracture the marriage I kind of feel now that ever small thing or decision I do will have huge consequences (if that doesn't sound too loony) so I'm second guessing all the time. I don't want this to destroy me but so far I feel like it is kicking my ass.