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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

why?

17 replies

dirtygerty · 13/02/2011 01:40

Just wondering, have posted before under a different name. Why does H feel the need to embarrass me in front of others? In the past it has been in front of family, but today it was in front of a salesman. Even DD said 'don't embarrass her'. Small fry compared to most posts on here, but I'm on the verge of tears with anger and frustration. Am aware of the Lundy book but would like a simple answer as to why. I'm as nice as pie, have the patience of a saint and always see the best in folk. So why does he like to portray me as being awkward and difficult. I'm so not! Does he want to be seen as a martyr who has to put up with such a stroppy cow? If so why? Arrrghhhh. Any helpful comments much appreciated. I need

OP posts:

Tortington · 13/02/2011 01:41

power it's all about the power dynamic. i imagine it makes him feel poweful

Original poster

dirtygerty · 13/02/2011 01:46

How though Custy? What does it achieve?

OP posts:

madhattershouse · 13/02/2011 01:47

That's men for you. My DP loves to tell my parents that we have had a row..wheras I keep these things private. He is so sure I tell them everything that he seems smug when telling them I have been less than happy!

madhattershouse · 13/02/2011 01:48

dirty it achieves nothing exept his assertation that he is in control!

Original poster

dirtygerty · 13/02/2011 01:55

Oh my kindred spirit Mad. I keep everything secret, always have. Maybe not the best way. My DPs think my life is hunky dory, but H blabs if I have slightly lost my temper so I keep up the I'm fabulously fine ta ' approach.

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Original poster

dirtygerty · 13/02/2011 01:57

Control over what though? Again, what is achieved? IMO he's making himself look like an arse.

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Morloth · 13/02/2011 02:06

You, while you are keeping up appearances you are not talking to anyone about how you really are, are you?

Besides if he makes you look awkward and difficult then of course when you have an argument he must be being easy and reasonable...

Original poster

dirtygerty · 13/02/2011 02:07

Why would a man want his loyal wife of 20 years to despise him? Because that's how he's making me feel. Why would he want that?

OP posts:

JustForThisOne · 13/02/2011 02:09

maybe you have a more powerful personality than you realise, that's why he feels the need to put you down sometime?

Morloth · 13/02/2011 02:10

I don't know, no point asking us, ask him?

Could be anything, from just wanting the upper hand in the relationship to wanting to leave and making it all 'your' fault (even if only to himself).

Original poster

dirtygerty · 13/02/2011 02:25

Oh, very interesting replies! Just, I have a very confident persona because of my job. Nothing fancy, just work in a bank. Morloth, I have asked him! When he tried to embarrass me in front of his family. I very boldly said that if he treated me like that again I would leave. Mmm and now I've sort of taken the same sort of treatment. Why would he be bothered by my confidence, I have it in spades, I think I'm quite fab

OP posts:

Original poster

dirtygerty · 13/02/2011 02:51

If he was planning to leave for someone else I'd say good luck to the poor girl, but that's never going to happen. I think I've always been his mother substitute. A man whose mother left home when he was a child will hate all women apparently. I cling onto that fact and is why I'm trying to analyse his current shit stirring

OP posts:

givemesomespace · 13/02/2011 07:30

It's never acceptable to bahave like this to an OH and in my experience, the more confident you are the less likely it is to happen. Don't stand for it, but make sure you react in a calm and matter of fact way eg reply to him directly in front of salesman/whoever "there's no need to try and embarrass me in in front of other people...."

Actually come to think of it, you can probably disregard everything I said because I am a man and therefore not worthy of offering useful advice. As Madhattershouse says "That's men for you", so you'll just have to accept it. I suppose it's up to you.....

LittleHouseByTheRiver · 13/02/2011 08:50

Is it a lack of respect that is making him think it is acceptable to belittle you? Does he put you down in other ways or use sarcasm with you?

It sounds a bit of a passive aggressive tactic if he does it in public but won't explain why.

Do you treat him similarly if you admit you feel like his mother? Have you lost respect for him and think of him as another of your DC to be looked after?

needafootmassage · 13/02/2011 09:14

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

QuintessentialShadows · 13/02/2011 09:25

If you despise him, maybe it is time you went your separate ways? It does not sound like you have a lot of respect for eachother.

lazarusb · 13/02/2011 15:05

Maybe he feels undermined by your confidence. Is he having some sort of problem you may not be aware of? Not all men whose mother left them as children hate women, don't blame it on that.

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