Does your H/P not make any effort on your special days.

[Notfabatforty]

H and I been on rocky ground for a while now. I was forty a month ago, he did nothing, got me a card from kids and that was it. He said he was skint but I know he wasn't, he earns a lot of money. He just spent all his cash on other stuff. My birthday just wasn't important to him. It was quite embarrassing as everyone kept asking what he was doing for it and obviously he made out he had big plans but in the end did nothing. He has actually always been quite unpleasant to me on days that were special for me, birthdays, mothers day etc, almost angry at me for daring to want them to be acknowledged. He hates to praise me for anything, is very judgemental and has extremely high standards well for me that is, not himself.

He drinks a lot, spends tons of money on that. Does nothing to help round the house and is very verbally abusive if I ever call him on anything. He is not generally abusive from no-where just if I tell him I am upset or have a problem with anything, he will go to nuclear abuse within seconds.

My difficulty is that he is only like this with me. Everyone else thinks he is great and he is good with kids, it's just me. If he was abusive surely he would be like it with everyone. Had enough really I think.

I'm not surprised that you've had enough
The fact of him ignoring your special days is the least of his unpleasant personality flaws.
Being good with the kids is no excuse to treat you as less than human, his personal (verbal) punchbag - it does your children no goos at all to see how he treats you, do you want them to grow up thinking this is normal family life?

He is a total selfish , self centred git and needs a hard kick where it hurts. He is controlling and abusive, and you deserve better. He is lazy too which is not acceptable when you have kids together. He is treating you badly and this is not right. What sort of role model has he been brought up with? Was his Dad a MCPig? I bet he was and that is how he thinks women should be treated. You need to stick up for yourself and tell him you are fed up with his bad treatment and that you deserve better. You cant be used as a doormat for the rest of your life....can you ?
Be proud and have self respect and dignity. This guy is a shit. He is manipulative and controlling.
Take a closer look at his parents. . does his mum do all the chores?
What ever I think its not right .

Remember, you cant change other peoples behaviour, only your own. He probably may not listen to you if you try to sort it out . Dont worry about what he thinks of you. Does he put you down? The answer is Yes isnt it. ?
I understand this kind of man as i have chosen wrongly i e past and lived with the same kind of person. Its depressing, degrading, demeaning ad makes you feel like awful.
Can you try marriage councelling? Will he concider this?

P.S . . .This type of man is always charming to others outside the house, but once the door is closed he is a total sod..
you poor thing Notfabatforty. Something needs to be done.

He is showing you that you don't matter to him.

It is up to you what, if anything, you are prepared to do about that.

No, if he was bad-tempered he would be like it with everyone. He's abusive because he can clearly choose who he treats badly, and he chooses to do it to you.

May I introduce you to Saint Lundy of Bancroft, who has seen it all and tells it like it is?

Read it. Seriously. Your H is in there.

Thanks everyone. I have actually read Lundy and agree that H is in there. My confusion comes really from the fact that most people say that if he was really abusive he would be to the dc as well and he just isn't he completely adores them, although doesn't always think of their best interests when he is off pissing it up. However when with them he is a patient hands on Dad, though not with them that often it has to be said. Even having read Lundy I still don't understand why he is like this with ME. He tells me I am a "bad person", "bitter and twisted" and that my psychological issues will screw up our kids, that he never loved me and this is why he has been unfaithful to me (yes, that too!).

He gets through money like water and if he runs out sells stuff from the house, taking it when I am not there and says he is perfectly entitled to do so as he paid for it in the first place.

I know that the first few years of marriage are tough but it has been 6 years now and he only ever did anything for my birthday for the first one and for the first Mothers Day after I had my first child. He says as soon as he married me he realised it was a mistake and that is why he was unfaithful. I think I made him this way. It was all very intense at the beginning but he certainly seemed to be on board and I sort of think if he really thought it was such a mistake why not leave me then rather than spend all that time being cruel and being unfaithful. Maybe family pressure? Yes his family are very "traditional" the mum does everything. I am rambling now. Can't really get my head round how we got here. I am scared that I made this happen and now I am just bailing as I am making plans to leave and have seen a solicitor etc.

Tell him you absolutely agree that it's a mistake and that it's just a pity it took you longer to realise it.

He sounds awful, really awful. You do realise you will feel like you're on holiday once you're away from this abuse?

do you think that abusive men are abusive to everyone in their lives?

Look, you can have a man who is a loving father, takes the kids all over, spoils them rotten, puts them to bed, kisses them goodnight, comes downstairs and kicks his wife round the kitchen until she blacks out.

The fact that he is lovely with everyone else only serves as evidence that he is choosing to abuse you.

What are you getting out of this relationship exactly?Get out now.