abusive son

[smokingnuns]

I have a history of abuse and have looked at the pattern of abuse in the past through counselling, support groups etc. As a result of the work I did then I was able to leave my abusive husband when our children were young. Following his very quick death from cancer 4 years ago, my children have all since become abusive towards me, my son (21, the youngest of our 4 children) the worst, who has influenced the others.

My children have all left home but my son came back to live with me 6 months ago and it was like a rerun of the abuse I had from his father. I am feeling very depressed/powerless again and have got together some info about domestic abuse support groups and courses to attend to remind me again. Son will be moving out in 2 weeks which will give me the chance to settle and regroup. It is very challenging that it is all happening again, very hard that it is from my own son/children, hard to know how to approach it.

I am planning to visit my GP to again start taking anti-depressants as I did when I was in the same situation years ago. I would also like some therapy but don't know enough about various therapies on offer as I have been out of the loop. In the past I have done a lot of work on my primary family and the patterns of abuse that were established then, though will need reminding about that too I expect. What I am facing now is extremely painful and I don't need/want to sit with my feelings - I am reluctant to go down the psychotherapy route and wonder if anyone knows what therapies are available - not only their title but what they are and involve. I believe that what I need the most is information, strategies and support - is that reasonable?

I am on a low income and would need a referral from my GP, though I don't hold out much hope that I could access much of quality on the NHS because of poor mental health funding - is that a fair assumption? I would sell my house to pay for the right therapy but would prefer not to have to do that.

Does anyone also have any info about books/courses/whatever which have been helpful in an abusive situation? My heart is breaking that I am back here again - even harder when it is my own son as I am still, and will always be, his parent.

No not at all Grace - just didn't understand what you were referring to, got it now.

You're right, I am just beginning to work out that there are others on here who have experienced similar things, by looking at the stately homes thread. I found it overwhelming - not just size of the threads but the content. Might take me a while to work my way in. I totally recognise it though.

I do wish I could talk about what happened! I just don't know how I can do it? How do you do it - I feel I could only do it like a crab, sideways. I also can't imagine I could trust anyone enough to tell them. I saw two films today about dams breaking. Perhaps it's my time - the dam is definitely crumbling.

"It's like offering a sticky plaster to someone who's been shot in the heart".

Got it in one Grace - that's it exactly

Thanks.

I can't write much as I'm having a day of many triggers myself! Am being carefully brave and working with them - it's a tiring & delicate process, even though I've been at it for years. I'm getting better at it now; I do notice positive changes afterwards.

I've realised the threads I linked to might be too heartfelt in places for you to read safely. Of course you will know. Thinking about when I started reading them, I remember I set myself on a kind of mission - I read for at least 5 minutes a day; depending on what had been posted, that was sometimes as much as I could stand! Your comment about approaching your truths "like a crab" - sideways - brought it all back. I said exactly the same thing myself! Perhaps you'll read my very post one day ...

Invisible elephants take up an enormous amount of space, don't they? They're easier to deal with once you get them into view*! But it takes time; nobody's rushing you. Certainly, no-one will poke you for details. This is a forum, not a consulting room. It's important to respect one another's privacy.

Does your bossy boy have a moving-out date, smoking?

• I imagine I'm moving my elephant out a piece at time - you know, like one of those cookery diagrams where they show you how meat is jointed

Sorry to hear you're having a wobbly time Grace, I hope you get through it as you have many times before. The sun is shining here, beautiful day - that helps. HOpe it's shining there too

Boy could be moving out at the end of the week, bringing it forward a week. Got to get through this week, though I'm completely nuts at the mo! He's visiting his g/f at uni, it being valentines day, may stay on for the week - fingers crossed. He's in a good, mutually loving, relationship, (all my children are) which is fantastic, an anchor for him/them. He is in a bad place and I am privately so grateful to her for loving him - is that weird? - so glad he has that stability. Long and painful (for him) story, but he's in the UCAS process for September and has been offered some unconditional places - he's a bright boy and it's looking positive. Maybe we'll look back on these few years as a horrible blip. She says, hopefully. If I can get back on my perch and be a solid presence in my children's lives - they need that, even if it is from a distance. Perhaps I kept it all together while they were growing up and now is my time? Though I am beginning to doubt the quality of my parenting if I was 'keeping it all together' - they are fucked up, may be posting on forums like this in the future about their fucked up, damaged mother [and get the kind of black/white replies people post on MN ]

Going on now (got to keep talking!) - perhaps we could have a 'stately homes' forum on MN? That would be more manageable, we could choose the threads to read. Would/could it be in mental health, or relationships? or soul? Just turned on the radio and there's a feature on about stately homes! It's a sign