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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Sad again

47 replies

FedUpCantKickoff · 12/02/2011 13:02

I really don't want to get flamed for this. I'm really sad right now. I've namechanged. I am friends with someone who I am too attached to and who appears to go out of his way to show me that he doesn't feel the same, i.e. takes me out to the pub, then won't walk through the pub with me, but instead sits outside in the garden for an hour and a half, in the cold.
We go out some where else and he sits next to me, which I like, then about 10 minutes later he changes seats so that he isn't sitting next to me any more and stays like that for the rest of the evening. Other people come by and sit next to him and he is all smiles and chats to them. We go outside and he stands as far away from me as is physically possible. We are at his house and watching TV and again, makes a point of not sitting near to me.
The thing is I have said if you don't want us to get together, just say, and he says he will. We see each other everyday, text everyday, with kisses, and when I don't text him he texts me and asks if I am ok because he hasn't heard from me. When I have stuff going on he texts me to say that he's thinking about me. Also once when I got totally cheesed off and went home early, he texted me asking if I was not happy and what was wrong. Sorry it's long.
The thing is if I say anything about the sitting apart etc, he turns it into my problem. Hence the nickname. Advice please.

OP posts:
FedUpCantKickoff · 12/02/2011 16:05

First step is not seeing him. I guess the second step is finding something fulfilling to occupy myself with.

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AnyFucker · 12/02/2011 16:10

the first step is all you need

everything else will follow

if you mean "something to occupy yourself with" as being another relationship, I suggest you don't go there for a while and find out why you invested so much in a hopeless cause, when all he signs were there for you to see

MigratingCoconuts · 12/02/2011 16:21

Seriously, this guy does not want to have a relationship with you!! This is a friendship for him and he doesn't want anything more.

You are right, this is the first step. Do you have other friends you can talk to? have pizza night with? Clubs you could join Gym you could go to? Evening classes?

Are you not happy in your own company?

I would stay well away from men until you know what you want and will have enough confidence to not take this kind of behaviour.

MigratingCoconuts · 12/02/2011 16:23

I meant to say... don't even have a friendship witht his guy if you are wanted more from him. Cut cotact completely otherwise it will hold you back from moving on.

Hey AF! Hope you are well!

AnyFucker · 12/02/2011 16:34

hey, MC Grin

FedUpCantKickoff · 12/02/2011 16:44

No, I don't mean another relationship. Last thing I need, and actually, if I did get involved with someone else, I'd only end up thinking about / missing him, so. . . Have been thinking of taking up something solitary like walking / swimming, etc. The worst thing I think, is that I end up thinking what's wrong with me? Am I that repulsive? To which of course, the answer is no.

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MigratingCoconuts · 12/02/2011 16:48

Of course!!! Don't let yourself fall into that trap! The reason for ditching this guy is because you are not repulsive and you do deserve better!

AnyFucker · 12/02/2011 16:48

Of course the answer is no

You picked a wrong'un there

He has been very manipulative in giving you mixed signals, I think, but I would be wondering why you were so susceptible to them

So you are going to cut all contact ? Don't listen to any shenanigans about seeing each other "just as friends", that would be very silly I reckon (for you)

FedUpCantKickoff · 12/02/2011 17:03

Yes but not sure whether to just text or to see him in person, or to just disappear without a word. As to why, well, relationship with father, relationship with stbxh etc.

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 12/02/2011 17:06

Text him

He deserves nothing more

It is at least final and draws a line, whereas just disappearing draws it out indefinitely

thumbdabwitch · 12/02/2011 17:09

He is no kind of friend if he knows what he does makes you unhappy and he
a) continues to do it
b) makes it your fault

He sounds like a knob who likes having your devotion but kicks you away when he's had enough of your puppy eyes looking at him.

Get rid of him out of your life, then work on your self-esteem so that you realise how much more than this you are worth.

Why would you miss being treated so badly? It sounds like he's embarrassed to be seen with you! What on earth is there to miss in that?

Please go and get some help with your self-esteem issues and you will find that the hole in your life will be filled because YOU will know that YOU are a person worthy of being loved PROPERLY. Not this kind of shite.

FedUpCantKickoff · 12/02/2011 22:35

I'm angry now. Thinking about how he's been acting towards me. But I'm worried that later I'll get sad, miss him etc. and get nostalgic. It's not all bad you know, I'm going through a pretty tough time and he is quite supportive, good listener etc. :-(

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 12/02/2011 22:38

A good listener when he deigns to sit next to you ?

JustForThisOne · 12/02/2011 23:21

dear me, this guy reminds me so much of someone I know. Hold on a minute! Where does this guy lives?
Toxic, narcissistic, thats what this guy is
It will be hard, and the feeling may no go away for long time, and any time you think of him but...
lock all your feelings into a draw and throw away the key
never to open it again

Piscean73 · 12/02/2011 23:32

NO one should make you feel crap like that and it sounds like you have either been sapped of confidence by his behaviour, or that you don't think you are worth any better - YOU ARE!!! It's awful to start off with when you cut contact, and I've had that awful gut churning/sleepless nights etc. but in a week or two's time and gradually every week after that you will start to feel stronger. Then you will one day think 'what on earth did I see in him?' or 'Can't believe I put up with that treatment - what a prat he was'. It takes time but he sounds like a complete arse and really not worth any of your precious time. Good luck

FedUpCantKickoff · 13/02/2011 03:52

The worst thing is I think he's deliberately trying to piss me off now so that I cut all contact with him. (Then the "pressure" of the "difficult conversation" is not on him).

I can't even bring myself to say what he's done this evening. I did not contact him as was angry and wanted decision / next step etc to be done without emotional impetus. I tend to find that once the anger etc has subsided, I find I could have handled it better another way. So. Just for where does your guy live? What kind of stuff does he do?

OP posts:
WetAugust · 13/02/2011 04:13

Have you considered that he may have Aspergers syndrome -i.e. unable to understand what is expected of him due to lack of social skills. My ex was very like you've described and he had this.

ottermingoo · 13/02/2011 04:29

I wouldn't bother trying to find medical excuses for him- just ditch him and get some self-esteem. You deserve way more than this.

ChippingInAuntyToThomas · 13/02/2011 04:40

Wet - I wondered the same. However, as it's something that really upsets FedUP and not something either of them can change - I think she needs to call it a day, no matter what is causing the problem :(

FedUp, you should tell us what happened tonight, it will do you good to write it down and we can help you do what you need to do.

FedUpCantKickoff · 13/02/2011 17:42

I'm struggling today. Went from being angry back to sad. Starting to ask myself if I wasn't blowing it all out of proportion. Not made any contact today though. :-(

OP posts:
MigratingCoconuts · 13/02/2011 18:00

If you start doubting how you really feel about this, re-read this thread and hopefully it will remind you of just how low his behaviour has left you Smile

FedUpCantKickoff · 13/02/2011 19:14

Yes MC I am hanging in there. Have plenty to do to occupy myself. Biscuit

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