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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

v day...

28 replies

itshightidebaby · 12/02/2011 00:46

ive been with my partner for 10 months now and he is the most unromantic man i have ever met. he is rarely intimate with me, no kisses, no cuddles, no cute texts etc. he has issues with commitment and emotions i think.

anyway my friends are going on about what thier partners/husbands are doing for them for valentines day and how happy they are and its actually getting to me a bit. i know i will get nothing at all. its no the receiving gifts part im bothered about its just the whole point of valentines day is to spend it showing the person you love that you love them. i wont even get a card. i got nothing for xmas, nothing for my birthday and i dont think he has ever bought me a drink on a night out he is that stingy.

i love him but to be honest ive actually forgotten why i fell in love with him in the first place.

i suppose im just a bit jealous of the way my friends partners treat them. they are treated like queens and i just feel worthless. its to the point now where im wondering if i mean anything to him at all or if he would even notice if i just walked away from him.

any ideas on how i can get him to open up to me a bit more or at least show me some attention? or at least have sex with me lol.

im 22 btw and he is 35

OP posts:

applechutney · 12/02/2011 00:58

Am so sorry to say this, but my advice would be to get rid of him without delay.

He's 35, and really these things don't tend to improve with age.

You deserve far, far better than this.

Best of luck to you.

And you're really young - lots of time to meet to meet a decent guy!

unavailable · 12/02/2011 00:58

Why have you been with him for 10 months if you are not happy with how he treats you? He is 35, and unlikley to change. Dont waste you time.

Original poster

itshightidebaby · 12/02/2011 01:02

i suppose i just sort of accepted that thats they way he is.

i have been thinking about ending the relationship but im not confident enough to do it.

any ideas?

OP posts:

unavailable · 12/02/2011 01:07

"any ideas?"

Yes, as before - dont waste your time.

Original poster

itshightidebaby · 12/02/2011 01:08

i meant how to end a relationship

its not something ive ever had to do before and im a shy person

scared of confrontation etc

and also scared of how hurt im gonna be once i end it because i know that it will just be the end of it.

OP posts:

SlobbyBOB · 12/02/2011 01:09

Seems a pretty hollow relationship you have there.

Just be straight with him.

It's not working - bye

LoopyLoopsPoopaScoop · 12/02/2011 01:11

Nods in agreement with the others.

Get rid.

BertieBotts · 12/02/2011 01:30

You just have to talk to him. Just say I'm sorry, I wish you well for the future, but this isn't right and I think we should call it a day now.

It is hard. You might cry. He might cry. Be strong and know you are doing the right thing. It's very unlikely it will end in confrontation, unless there's a specific reason you are worried it might?

Then afterwards make arrangements to go to a friend's house or something, just so you're not alone, but someone really close who you won't mind spilling in front of.

It will be okay - I know it seems hard but it's better than living like this for the rest of your life!

reinitindear · 12/02/2011 01:43

Second bertie here just explain how you feel.At his age he should have realised that relationships need work and effort if he hasn't he never will.You will cry especially if this is your first big relationship but keep strong.You deserve flowers, chocolates or any of the "cheesy" things that come with Valentines day.This isn't meant to be patronising in any way but you are so young please do not waste any more of your time.If someone cannot be bothered with a Christmas card they are not bothered about you.

BitOfFun · 12/02/2011 01:45

Just stop answering your phone and start accepting other dates. And be busy on Monday night.

crystalglasses · 12/02/2011 02:05

You are 22 years old for god's sake. You deserve more than this. He won't change if he's like this at 35. Break it off with him, go out with some friends and have a good time. Even shy girls can meet partners. If you've lost contact with friends, text them or email/phone and arrange a night out. I bet they're not all hitched up. If you can't get in touch with old friends, join a club - line dancing/keep fit/ bookreading club/winetasting/ church socials/drama/evening classes - anything to get out and meet people and prevent yourself from getting back with your partner.
Don't waste any more time on him.

ElephantsAndMiasmas · 12/02/2011 02:10

Yep, dump him. Please believe me when I say that you are worth huge bunches of flowers, massive boxes of chocolates, wonderful walks through the streets hand in hand with your heart singing and all that stuff. We all are.

Think - there are people out there who would bring all that and more to your life, and you're certainly never going to meet them hanging around with this bloke. He doesn't love you like he should.

Leave him, don't stick around because you can't think how to leave. Do you live together?

Original poster

itshightidebaby · 12/02/2011 02:29

yes we pretty much do live together. he rents his house out so he was living with his parents when we met. he stays here most of the time and is brilliant with my 21mo daughter but its the lack of affection and interest thats making me think twice.

ill see what happens on monday - you never know he might actually make an effort but if he doesnt even mention anything then his bags will be packed on tuesday and hopefully i will be ok.

i always fall in love with the idiots.

thank you for your advice :)

OP posts:

Myleetlepony · 12/02/2011 09:09

You've been together for 10 months and you don't live together. You're dating, so if it isn't working then end it. Do you want to spend the rest of your life together or not? It doesn't sound to me as if you love him, maybe you are in love with the idea of being in a relationship like your friends.
You are now saying that the whole future of this relationship rests on what he does on Valentine's Day. Don't you think that's a bit superficial (or shallow)?

atswimtwolengths · 12/02/2011 09:41

He sounds absolutely horrible! For god's sake, you're 22 - it's a fantastic age to be single because there are so many other single men and women.

Just pack up his bags for him, Valentine's Day or not. Just leave them ready by the front door and send him a text in advance telling him it's not working out and that if he wants to pick up his things, to come at a certain time and on a certain day. You could ask a friend to come round at that time (staying out of sight) in case there's a problem.

Normally I wouldn't advise dumping by text, but really this guy isn't worth a face to face explanation and I'd be worried in case he tried to change your mind.

I don't think it's that he has issues with commitment, I think he's just not a nice man.

Oh and if he's never bought you a drink (shame on him if he's virtually living with you) then he DEFINITELY won't be getting you a card on Monday.

JaquiChanFeelsBlue · 12/02/2011 09:47

Why wait to be disappointed on Monday, he didn't bother with christmas or your birthday, he's not going to bother really is he?

You are young...get yourself out there and have some fun, he is wasting your time.

marantha · 12/02/2011 10:05

Please, I don't want to be all judgemental here , but you've really got to stop thinking this guy as being your partner ('partner' is for when you've been together years, have a mortgage and children together). He is your 'boyfriend'.
Maybe I say this because when I was 22 and just dating, I had boyfriends. I dunno.
But I think the fact that you refer to him as your partner is just wrong to me as it makes it seem in your head that you've made a lifetime commitment of some sort when, in fact, you're only dating and should be free to walk away at any time without guilt or bad feeling.

Please, tell your BOYFRIEND, that you don't think things are working out and you don't want to see him anymore.
If you suspect he may be violent about this, have a friend in another room and give him a few days to sort his stuff out and go.
Like I say, if you're in any doubt, get a friend to stay with you.

marantha · 12/02/2011 10:07

I wouldn't say at this point this guy had issues about commitment, though, 10 months is too short a time to tell.
Nevertheless, the fact that you are unhappy is enough to end things and the only reason you need.

CheerfulV · 12/02/2011 10:13

Leave him.

AnyFucker · 12/02/2011 10:22

Get rid of him

What a waste of space

He mostly stays at your place ?

He sounds like a cocklodger and also that most heinous of personality traits ... stingy

You might think he is your partner but I reckon he has a very different take on the situation...

MakeYerOwnDamnDinner · 12/02/2011 10:47

Oh my god get rid of him. You've only been together ten months! What exactly is it that you find loveable about him? How exactly is this relationship enriching your life?

You're only 22. You've got your whole life ahead of you. Why are you wasting your time with this witholding idiot?

Dump him. You'll be free as a bird and in a few months time you'll wonder what you ever saw in him.

DepartmentOfCountingTheMoon · 12/02/2011 11:09

One of the important things to remember about relationships is that you are in a relationship by choice. And that choice should be an active, positive thing - "I'm in this relationship because I want to be." If that choice becomes one of abdication, "I'm in this relationship because I can't face ending it" then it's a relationship that is already over and you're just wasting your time trying to keep it going.

As to what to say, the core of it is simply "This relationship isn't working for me any more. It's run its course and now it's over. I would like you to move all your stuff out by next weekend." Do this in a public place. And then don't let yourself get talked into giving him another chance despite all the promises he'll make that he'll change.

I know that confrontation is scary but look at it this way - dumping him won't take long. Not dumping him could take the rest of your life.

susiedaisy · 12/02/2011 16:16

Agree with all the other posters, get rid move on!

ElephantsAndMiasmas · 12/02/2011 16:50

You know what, hightide, a really large number of my friends have dumped previous boy/girlfriends on valentines day, because all the talk and focus on relationships forces you to actually assess how good yours is. Or not in many cases. He hasn't really changed has he, it's more that yours eyes are opening to what a selfish bumhole he is. Anyone can play with a toddler, it's the relationship with the significant adult in his life that he's not so hot on.

You get what you think you deserve IME, and it's up to you to expect more next time.

Anniegetyourgun · 12/02/2011 18:29

What everyone said, and may I add, for God's sake don't tell yourself that you can help him get over his "issues". He's an adult human being, not a toy you can fix.

I have to say, it would have to be one hell of a Valentine's gift to make up for a year's worth of no drinks, cards or presents. Giving presents, buying drinks etc isn't a commitment thing, it's... well at the very weakest it's a courtesy to someone you "nearly live with". You wouldn't treat your least-best friend that way, let alone your lover. Frankly, there is no sign that he cares enough to be worth holding onto.

Oh, and "he's brilliant with the DC"... yes, that's a famous line when there's nothing else good you can say about someone.

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