Can I do any more?

[SillyLily11]

Hello, this is my first thread on MumsNet so please bear with me! :)

So background is, myself and ExP had DD nearly 5 years ago, we split a month before she was born but fairly amicably, we were young.
For the first 18 months I couldnt have asked for better, once she was sleeping through the night/was in a routine he always had her every other weekend, always paid me maintenance without the help of CSA.
After this point though he started to behave a bit strange, started swapping weekends of contact, bringing her back early, not having her at all sometimes.
Just before she turned two, due to my poor financial situation I moved to a different town about 45 miles away - we discussed this over a period of about 6 months and seemed fine with it.
Once I had moved things went from bad to worse. Suddenly stopped maintenance so I had to go to CSA, he didnt contact DD on her b'day, after a month or so he came and picked her up, had her for the weekend and after dropping her back simply text me saying 'i'm not doing that drive again.'
After this I had 6 months of hell with him, arguements, refusing to see her at all it wasn't good. At the time I didnt have much money and had to sell my car so couldnt take her to him and this caused a lot of trouble.
In the end I went to a solicitor to try and get a contact agreement.
After 6 months of him messing us about and coming up with every reason under the sun as to why he couldnt have DD myself and solicitor told him to take me to court for contact to show some commitment. I had to get a non molestation order because he would contantly abuse me over the phone/text/email.
I got married to my partner the next year whom I had been with most of DDs life and ExP had always approved of and because of DHs job we moved a long way from ExP.
Eventually he did take me to court and for a year he saw DD in a play centre for a couple of hours once a month, this was mainly because DD didnt really know who he was, she was so young when he stopped contact, even though we talked about him she didnt really know him.
After this he took her out for the day once a month and then last sept we moved forward to over night stays once a month.
We had a court order to say once a month he would pick DD up, go back to his house for the wkend and next month i'd take her to him and pick her up.
1st weekend DD comes back in tears saying she didnt want to go again as they stayed in a hotel and didnt go out and he made her sleep on the floor and watch films on his laptop.
I asked him about the weekend, he told me it was none of my business so my solicitor had to get involved again to say he had to stick to what was agreed in the court order especially as the weekend was so upsetting for DD.
Next time I dropped her off and she had a brilliant time with him and his mum and dad, aunties, cousins etc.
Before he was meant to be picking her up i asked what his plans were and he said he was going to stay in a hotel again.
Obviously I couldnt let this happen it had really upset DD and it wasnt something we agreed to so I asked to go back to court for a review so we could discuss it there as anytime we try and talk it ends up in an arguement.
That was in Oct, I phoned him in Dec and asked him to talk to DD on the phone he did breifly and we havent heard from him since.
Really what I'd like to know is should I be doing more?
It was me who initially went to a solicitor to sort out his contact, I've always encouraged it, in fact when we went to court for the 1st time they didnt really see why we were there as no one was stopping contact, I just wanted it to be regular and have some structure to it.
My family and friends say I have done enough but I still feel guilty - like I should be doing more?

Thanks for reading and I'm sorry it's so lone :)

just wondering when ex's behaviour suddenly changed. sorry to state the obvious, but was the timing around the time you got together with your DH? ex may have encouraged things at the time but actually felt his nose was out of joint. Just a thought. ime a few men I have known have said "fine! yeah fine, good idea" at the time but then kind of got hit with the reality of it...

have you asked him straight if he wants to have a relationship with dd? I also wonder if he was hurt that dd didn't enjoy the hotel stay bcs he may have enjoyed spending time with her in this way - again, just a thought. he may also feel that his relationship with his daughter is his business and may feel defensive that what they do is open to scrutiny, or not good enough. he may also feel that you are saying 'put your toe here, right here' re contact with his daughter... I don't know, I'm just trying to play devil's advocate here, trying to see it from his side as things started off so well for quite a long period of time.

you have also moved a long way away and perhaps ex feels irrelevant (i'm not suggesting this is anybody's fault, just how it goes sometimes).

have you thought about seeing a meditor or even a relationship counsellor? I know a couple who saw a counsellor to deal with the fallout of their breakup, as one was finding it very hard. a mediator would at least save all the legal toing and froing and maybe ex could be clear about what he wants.

i'm sorry this is so fraught OP. hope someone can come up with some better advice.

Thanks for your reply!

I had been with DH for at least a year before he started being a bit weird, it was when he started a serious relationship himself, he'd had gf's but nothing serious before but I wouldnt like to say whether thats actually the reason.

I do try and understand how put off he might feel about me saying what he should do with his contact but there are good reasons for it and thats why the courts wanted to be specific about where DD would be when drawing up our court order which is why I get so worried when he doesnt do what we agreed ifswim?

I totally understand about us moving away and i've tried to explain its not an ideal situation for any of us really but thats why i have always said i will do 50/50 with travel and accomodating his contact but I know it may be a point of contention for him.

I have suggested a mediator loads of times, we even saw one in court once but he isnt into it, he doesnt think he should be made to be civil with me for DD sake, I would love for us to see one or counselling or something just so we could learn to see things from the other perspective but he is adament that he isnt interested.

I suppose I just wish things could be better, for DD I dont know what to tell her anymore, especially since he dropped off the planet last year. She asks about him and I try to reassure her but who knows if he'll be back in touch.

I have asked him if he wants a relationship with dd in the past and he has just said its complicated, whatever that means?

It all sounds really strange. I wonder if he started using drugs or something around then? The hotel story, though, makes it seem likely his partner refused to have DD.

I certainly don't agree that it's OK to stick a child in a hotel room and make her sleep on the floor, whether it's his idea of a good time or not.

Anyway, the main point is DD. It's not HIS right to access, it's HERS. Does she want to carry on seeing him?

If so, it looks like you're stuck with constantly having to sit on him to do it right. Sorry :(

Since they built up their relationship she does want to see him, I'm running out of excuses for him, havent been able to get hold of him since Dec.

Dont know about Drugs etc, I really hope not!

I totally agree about the hotel, I couldnt believe she actually slept on the floor, it was really upsetting for her and me.

I guess I'll just have to keep trying and hope we can get back to court at some point to start again :(

she may have slept on the floor bcs he was worried about it being seen as weird/suspect them sharing the bed! Just a thought - again. sometimes men can't do it right whatever they do. although if that was the case maybe he could've slept on the floor.....

BUT I am not suggesting he's all sweetness and light, really I'm not - just trying to work out what may be going on with him, turning over every stone. I don't know - and neither do you: his behaviour is a mystery. who knows what is going on with him - though, as you say, his first serious relationship marks the point things started going skew whiff.

It could be the g/f or it could be that he may feel - and this is, unfortunately, common - that he is not getting anyting out of the relationshp with dd so why should he pay? Sometimes it comes down to that . Kind of not seeing that it is a lifelong commitment, not about what you get out of it - a parent just gives.

tbh the hard truth looks to be that he doesn't want to pursue a relationshp with her, which is so sad; that you have tried to 'lead him to water' as it were... but cna't force him to drink. There could be a myriad reasons why he doesn't see the relationship as worth pursuing - maybe that it is no longer viable, that he can't provide what is seen as 'good enough' (re the hotel stay), that you have moved on as a unit and the thread that connected you has been drawn so thin that it has snapped. He would be wrong of course but beliefs like that go deep.

He probably doesn't want to say it either - probably doesn't want to face it bcs he knows it makes him look bad. He may (selfishly?) feel there is no point; that she has a 'daddy' figure and that it is better for all concerned that he backs out and gets on with his life. Very sadly, a lot of fathers have NO IDEA how important it is to stay in their children's lives, to whatever degree, regardless of the circumstances

You might be right humanheart, I hope not because I do see the importance of having him in DD life and I hope he does too.

I think I really just wanted to see if anyone thought I could do more for their relationship, maybe if we hear from him again I'll try my best to explain how much DD and myself want him to be in her life.

It's a bit of a mystery tbh.

Kind of really sad too, i suppose because i see her everyday, i've brought her up, I just cant see why he wouldn't walk over hot coals to be with her.

you know him - could he be depressed?

I only say that because re-reading my post re: "better for all concerned that he backs out" could be someone who has given up.

I may be barking up the wrong tree and sorry if I've not answered in the way you were looking for Lily. Though I do hope this resolves in the way you and dd are hoping for x

Maybe he is, I'd never thought of that really, maybe being to caught up in the anger/upset of him not seeing DD or letting her down etc I've over looked the reasons why he might have distanced himself.

I've just thought of him as being childish and irresponsible but maybe I've been wrong.

To be honest humanheart you have answered exactly how i'd wanted, I knew my involvement in the situation may have made me over look something and I really wanted her hear what someone who isnt emotionally invovled would think iyswim.