How long does it take before you forget?

[Wysiwig]

Hi all

Would like opinions from all the wise old owls out there...here is my thread...

I split up with my partner (DC father) and very shortly after went into another relationship (DC father relationship had been over for years before). This went on for 3 years. We were from totally different ends of the spectrum, me a single mum struggling financially and he an officer in the Army with kids at boarding school. However, we got on quite well. I got on well with his kids and family. He was posted up North after a while being down South but the relationship continued, he did a TOD and was away now and again between those times. It was very difficult for me in my situation with all the travelling but also because it was a life I wasn't used to. Him being away tore me apart but it had little effect on him as he was so used to it (30 odd years). I loved him dearly but found it increasingly hard. He never treated me badly but equally he never made me feel important or special, despite our relationship being your less conventional.

He was posted overseas for what was to be a couple of weeks, turned into a couple of months, I was so miserable but he didn't seem to turn a hair. We had talked (email actually!)while he was away about buying a house together and we were due to arrange a holiday when he got back (with kids).I decided while he was away that I couldn't handle this any more and would talk to him. He called me when he got back and I told him I didn't think I could do it any more. He put the phone down on me saying he would call back. He didn't...I called him back 3 days later. He wasn't interested at all, so all we had were a few emails and one more phone call ,where when asked if we were ever going to be married he replied "I can't marry you, it would jeopardize the school fees" (paid for by the Army)I really was at the bottom of the pile. So that was that...3 years gone in a heartbeat. I was completely devastated, I thought he would have discussed it, understood my feelings etc..basically I thought he loved me and would have fought for me. I discovered very shortly after that (4 wks)he had met another woman and had introduced her to his family (his SIL told me).

That was 18 months ago. I still think of him every day and what might have been. On the other hand if he had loved me he would have stayed around, wouldn't he? So, even though there is absolutely nothing I can do about it I still wrestle with whether I did the right thing in ending the relationship.

stop torturing yourself it really is pointless
dont think you could have done something differently
it sounds like you got out at the right time and next woman already lined up
You were not happy with him anyway, he would have not given up career and/or benefits for you
Make peace with yourself and move on. Someone more suited could be around the corner

If it helps you to move on, he was a liar as well as a total arsehole.

Being married would not have jeopordised his childrens school fees at all, they would have been registered as living with him for COEA. Also if anything your children could have also benifitted from this.

He lied to you. I know many in the postion you describe, difference is the men concerned are lovely and treat their wives and gf's with love and respect and care deeply when they are apart.

It never gets easier being away from someone you love, there is no getting used to it. He just wasn't into you, he led you on and lied to you, I am sorry, I actually am. If the reality that he is a shit can help you move on, I'm glad to shed some light on his excuses.

JFTO you're absolutely right, I just have to find that peace...

Emmyloo..I realised the school fees were an excuse, but for him to actually vocalise it was confirmation of what I meant to him. First time I have ever been with a soldier and thought they were all like that (emotionless) but I've seen and heard differently since...you live and learn...

Ultimately I'm ok really...I think the thing is, I just don't understand it and am afraid I might be taken in again:(

Thanks a bundle both of you xx

You have to make a conscious effort to push him from your mind. You may not be ready to do that at this point but when I split from a partner of 11 years, it took me a long, long time to stop torturing myself over some aspects of the relatiobship/split. I used to have to give myself a talking to and really make an effort to replace him in my mind with some other thought and if he crept back in again, I'd busy myself with something to take my mind of him.

When you say you don't understand it, that rings a bell with me. I used to sit and physically shake my head and say, I don't understand. Why would be be so cruel etc etc. In time, I accepted my part in things and was able to move on. Hurt like this can take a while to work it's way out of your system and just try and live as well as you can.

A lot of myths surround those in the armed forces, sadly because of the job they do and they way they are seen by other people.

Officers are well educated men and know what they are doing. It's a bit of a club, but not everyone is like this at all.

I hate to say it but like every job you get idiots, and like very job where people work away, you'll get some who see it as an oppertunity to have 2 lives, cheat, detatch, whatever. This is not the norm, it's really not. TOD's are heartbreaking for all concerned and there is no covering up of this.

I'd say tbh he had someone else on the go where he was, hence he wasn't too fussed about moving on. You need to let him go. Just realise he was an arse is the only thing you need to know. You did the right thing 100% no infact 150% the right thing.

Yes Officers are educated men and I was under the impression that education comes with integrity..how foolish of me!

He had no male friends, which I found very odd for a soldier, and seemed to know so much about women. However, I realise now how vulnerable I was when I met him, kinda swept me off my feet. His wife had cheated on him and to be frank, he never got over it. He was so bitter toward her (think he was still in love with her) even though he was in a "happy" relationship with me. The writing was on the wall I'm afraid but my rose tinted lenses were all fogged up...

Thanks Emmy, you've made me feel alot better:)

I'm glad :) You are well rid seriously. Bitter service man whose wife has shat on him is not a good mix, they become women haters tbh, they want to do the same thing back.

Also how can you not have male friends in the forces?!?! Major ding, ding, alarm bells there! They all probably knew he was a bitter eejit with no regard for anyone else.

Glad you feel better, you 100%, did the right thing, no good would have come of him........ever.

WYS, I think that when someone jumps from one relationship into another they end up when the second relationship ends, having to deal with the grief from the first relationship. As much as you think a relationship is over, you still need time to grieve, and it would seem you didn't do that, so I think that is partly why you are strugggling so much now, grief has caught up with you and hit you a double wamb!

I think also that this soldier has knocked your confidence in relationships, maybe as it is such a long time now, 18 months, you may benefit from some counselling to work out how to aviod someone like this man again, and deal with the build up of grief.

MH...I totally agree with you, I thought I had dealt with my previous relationship, but realise that you do need to heal before embarking on another, hence me being single at present. And yes, the soldier has knocked my confidence into a cocked hat, all the good I thought I'd worked on myself (previous relationship was hell) has been shot to smithereens, am slowly building it back up...and yes, I have recently had some counselling being backed up by self esteem classes...thanks for your advice..

Yes Emmy, there were lots of alarm bells, my hearing aid wasn't working along with my glasses! Love is blind isn't that what they say? All you have said though is uncannily spot on...do you know him ?

No, I don't know him but know his sort. Thankfully they are rare, but oh so predictable

Sometimes I think that what we see in another person is a projection of our own values. Maybe all the beautiful values you see in that person are actually not really to do with him but are to do with who you are - the special way you look at the world and the amazing insight you have to treasure the most important things in life. Perhaps, if you can look at it like that you can know that you can take those values wiht you, and look for a new relationship with someone who shares those values.

The very fact that that those things mean so much to you shows that their is passion alive in you - and I don't think you need to waste it on the memory of this person. It is not that he is bad, we all have human failings and who knows what was going on for him, what devatating things he saw as a soldier. I think you create a prison for yourself when you live in a land of "what if". Take courage, you have nothing to lose, do something new and exciting, a small step towards a dream that you can fulfil.

...I wrote most of that on the basis of you thinking everyday what might of been - those nice dreams, not the ways he has treated you that have been hurtful...

Ellen, I read your thread twice, and you're absolutely correct, I do think of what might have been-a lot! Way too much in fact, but I know the split was for the best. And no, I don't think he is a bad man, and yes he has issues, many issues, not army related either.

I wanted (and still want) to be cherished, he couldn't fulfill that need. I am still in the healing process and not happy to go into another relationship just yet, my outlook changes from day to day, today is not good, hopefully tomorrow will be..thank you