Helping our friend...

[getabloodygrip]

.. who has found himself with a girl he hardly knows who is pregnant. He is a good bloke, he wants to do right by her and the child. He is mid-30's and has never had a long term relationship or marriage. He has no other children.

He is confused and struggling to make things work. They don't live together in fact, live a long way apart. He can't move, not on a full time/permanent basis anyway. She could move, but doesn't want to (and I am not saying she should have to)

We have talked with him several times about his concerns and fears. He is of the belief that he should stand by her (ie. be "with" her in his book), but they aren't getting on and other than the baby, they have little in common really.

I don't think he wants to be a distant father, but equally if the relationship with the mother isn't working now, it most likely won't work either after the baby comes.

Does anyone have any advice/experience of this - we really want to help him, advise him and support him (we have never met his DP by the way).

I don't see how this sorts itself out so that everyone is happy....

Bump!

Sorry, getagrip, I bumped the wrong thread... many apologies.

Though on your topic, I cannot offer any advice as such, but it sounds like they are both grown ups (assuming the girl isn't especially young?) and only they probably can really know what is best.

But, do be there for your friend, just offer an ear and support in whatever way you can. Hard when you don't know the woman and how she is/what she might have to say about it all.

Difficult times for both of them ahead.

I know contraception is both parties responsibility, but does he feel he was tricked in anyway? That would make things extremely difficult.
I don't know what to advise really. It must be very difficult to be the man in this situation, made a father pretty much against his will.
WHen you say he hardly knows her, are they actually in a relationship? What does she want from him?

he can still be a father, as long as he is prepared to be involved from the outset.

Without knowing the situation or the girl, I cannot say how easy this would be, but he needs to stay involved with her (and if they split up, with the baby), support the pregnancy, contribute like a real grown up, and then when the child is old enough, be living somewhere suitable for over night stays.

Well, boobooglass, many people are made mothers pretty much against their own will, and they mostly just deal with it.

coldtits, the decision to be a mother is the mothers. I've had an unexpected pregnancy. It was my decision to go ahead, when my partner (ex) didn't want me to. So yes, we both got ourselves into it. But I had the ultimate say.

They had known each other a month when she got pregnant. It wasn't a serious thing. He was then away for a month, during which she found out she was pregnant.

He's proposed to her, they are, technically engaged. He felt it was the right thing to do, show he was serious about being there etc, though by all accounts the relationship between the two of them is difficult to say the least. I genuinely don't know what she wants from him. When he talks to us about it, he gets panicky quite quickly and doesn't make a whole lot of sense (he is a very "sorted" guy - this has absolutely thrown him) and we never get all that far with it other than him going "shit, shit shit" and us not really knowing what to say to him.

I don't think he felt tricked, well, he didn't until some very stupid (now ex) female friend gave him the whole wind up thing about "OO, you've been trapped, that's what some girls do you know" speech which completely freaked him out....

He absolutely will be there for them, whether the relationship continues or not, he is no shirker and will not fail in his responsibilities whether they are emotional or monetary or whatever.

Thanks for your input, it is appreciated, we just really want the best for our friend and to see him back on an even keel again.

I think he thinks that marrying her is the "decent thing" but marriage has to be for the right reasons, and them having a baby together, but nothing else being there really between them is not enough in my view to go through with getting married.

O god, proposing was an awful idea. Good intentions, but just mad.
What I meant by feelign trapped was, was he under the impression the contraception was sorted? Was he aware something had gone wrong? If they'd only known each other once why on earth were they having unprotected sex? (if indeed they were).
At the very least they both need an STD test.
It's admirable that he hasn't just walked away, it's far too easy to do. But who proposes after a month? ANd who accepts???
I certainly wouldn't want a baby with someone I'd known a month. People do do these things on purpose. I'm not saying she has, but it's not as rare as people think sadly.

He was a bit vague on the contraception - simply said "something let us down". So don't know whether a condom split or she said she was on the pill and was/was not or whatever.... I got the impression it was the condom, but I don't know for sure. It is quite awkward to talk that level of detail even with a very good friend of the opposite sex when my DH was there too!!

And yes, he didn't need to propose, I agree with you. Though there could have been some family pressure there (on his side). I think it adds too much pressure to what is already a difficult situation.

Is he 100% sure it's his? I know someone who was in the same situation and it turned out that the baby was conceived a few weeks before they met. She 'altered' the dates to make it seem right but when she gave birth 6 or 7 weeks 'early' the baby was full-term weight. It did work out for them, they've been together years.
Your poor friend he sounds freaked out. Be there for him, things will work themselves out.

It's his, as certain as can be. He's gone along to the dating scans etc, he is involved and there 100%. The dates fit perfectly, he knows exactly when the baby was conceived.

But yes, he is freaked out, I think he just doesn't know how to handle the relationship between the two of them...

OK, well I'm not sure you can advise him or help him. Just support him and be there as a listening ear when he needs it. There's no way of knowing how this relationship will turn out, or even if the pg will be successful.
From what you've said she seems as confused as him. They're engaged but she won't move in with him even though she's also having his baby? By doing this she's ensuring that he's at arms length, so whether he likes it or not he will be a distant father and he needs to decide if that's enough for him.

Why all the speculation about whether or not it's his? Why all the questions about whether 'she's trapped him'?

Contraception takes two to fully exponge the blame from all parties if it fails. If he wasn't wearing a johnny, he was up for a baby. It's not her fault she fell pregnant, and the fact that she hasn't jumped at moving in with him leads us to conclude that she hasn't tried to 'trap' him at all.

In fact, if anyone sounds trapped, it's her.

Not really coldtits. I think being on the pill is enough to show you're not up for a baby, but after knowing a person just a month I'm not sure I'd take their word for it. I don't think she's been trapped at all. If she doesn't want the baby she doesn't have to have it.

In our discussions with him there has been no speculation at all, and (other than my stupid friend's two pennies worth) no mention of her deliberately trapping him - though of course those seeds of doubt have now been sown in his mind I suspect - hard not to at least consider it in the circumstances.

Coldtits - I agree. This is also a very difficult situation, as well for her, depending on how she feels about him and what she wants (which I genuinely don't know).

He has rented somewhere for them to try and spend time together, I don't know how much time they spend there.

Thanks for all the insight, it has helped.

They had the discussion about whether or not to have the baby. She was adamant re going ahead. He wasn't sure, but utterly respected her decision to proceed and will support that 100%.

and if he doesn't want a part in raising the baby, he doesn't have to.

he might find it more difficult to actually 6have^ a part though, depending on what sort of mother she is.

I hope it works out ok for them, I really do.

Can I just say that if he was relying on her taking the pill after only knowing her a month then he's a fool. 1) not long enough for them to both get tested for STIs and 2) he doesn't know her really - she could be after a baby, or just really forgetful.

If she told him she was on the pill but wasn't/wasn't taking it properly he didn't know her well enough to trust her on that.

The truth is he doesn't know this woman very well and I think this is where he needs to start. He needs to get to know her and what her feelings are regarding raising the child, his involvement etc. Proposing marriage in this regard was a grand gesture and an empty one at that, marriage is not a magic wand. He's had his moment of flailing around and now needs to start to get practical and organised.

IMO she was quite right not to move, she needs a support system and moving in with a guy she hardly knows, miles from her home while going through a life changing event would not be a wise move.

He maybe the loveliest guy in the world but he needs to get his shit together and focus.

coldtits, spot on, the speculation over this woman's intention makes me and .