Feeling low and at the end of the road

[boringnamechange]

I posted a few weeks ago about my H having an affair last year and then at our Xmas night out going to a hotel room with one of our managers. I got lots of advise and basically was ready for ending it all. Since then we have spoke a bit this week and said we could talk an see how things work out ( not taking him back but just talking and he knows this)

Anyway I have been getting on ok with the two kids and to be honest not really missed him until the weekend there. Its been ok talking to him and spending time with the kids with him - not been thinking about it all and felt a bit hopefull for a possible reconsiliation.

Yesterday I was at the cinema with my mum and dd1 and sat 2 rows in front of me was the 1st OW. And it all came flooding back to me and I panicked. On top of that I am loaded with the cold so asked H to stay the night to help with the girls. He said ok and wanted to sit and cuddle even though I'm not ready for that especially after seeing her. Things were a little strained and he seemed pissed off which annoyed me. Told him she was there and he didn't say anything. Then when I went to bed I told him he was on the couch. This was ok until 3am when the baby woke up and then he came into bed even though I didn't want him to. I sorted the baby and went to the couch. Then the bastard wakes me at 6 to say kids are
Awake and that he was going back to bed.

Now this all brings back what a pain in the arse he is and that I'm probably never going to get over it enough to start again am I? Iv got a number for relate to call but they can't even talk to me until monday and don't know when I would get an appointment.

I just feel so low and don't know what to do. Once the girls went to nursery he went back to his mums pissed off.

I feel as though I'm stuck in a time blip and this is all a
Bad dream :-(

Sorry it's so long just needed to vent.

God that was so long sorry

Having seen your other thread, I think it is the end of the road, because this man won't change. It would be the triumph of hope over experience if you believed that you could reconcile happily, because he will be unfaithful to you again, if he gets the opportunity. However, the infidelity is just the tip of the iceberg (as it often is). His behaviour in recent days demonstrates that.

All you need is your own permission to end this.

Oh no, he sounds awful. Really, really awful.

I think you know what you have to do...I'm so sorry.

Being on your own will be so much nicer than stuck with this dickweed.

Go for it - live your life the best you can and blow him off totally. You don't need his pathetic 'help'.

Good luck x

After reading both of your threads, I'd be inclined to say that to you, this relationship is already over.

I think that too much has gone on to get past and the fact that his behaviour has not changed in the time you have given him to make those changes speaks volumes.

I think in his head, he believes that everything can go back to 'normal'

That's not the case with you is it? You type as if you just need someone to tell you it's okay to end this?

I agree with WWIFN, you need to give yoursel permission to end this.

And soon.

I think your right. I'm just too scared to admit to myself that I need to end this officially and tell him. He's so hopefull for us to get back together and says how much he loves me but he's just saying it - not doing anything to prove it. Dont know what exactly he could do as he is just being his usual self where he does the bare minimum with the kids and I'm tidying up after him. I'm just so torn and don't want my marriage to end but without trust it can't.

I think I'm going to see my doctor about speaking to someone myself. So confused in my head right now. Only happy thing are my girls.

You need him out of your life.

I'm sure he does love you. He needs to show you, but he's not is he?

Concentrate on being you, getting yourself back on track and lving your girls.

You can do this. You will be much better off without him

From what I remember about your original thread, you felt coerced by your own mother to stay in this relationship, so that must be especially difficult for you. I expect that deep down, you are submitting to a horrible societal discourse that you are in some way to blame. If that's the case, please don't take any blame, for either this happening, or having the good sense to end this relationship.

Stop relying on him for any help, especially while you are in the same house. Try and get him to see the DDs at his parents' house, so that you get some space from him and don't have to see him.

It might be a long waiting list on the NHS for counselling, so consider other options, such as Relate or private practitioners. However, this therapy should be for you and not as a couple. Your aim should be about getting yourself permission to walk away, for the sake of your own mental health.

Thanks mouseface :-) he's not showing at all but I need to concentrate on my girls

Thanks WWIFN. There is pressure from both mums to make a decision and "hurry up" but that's them being more worried about them self. My mum told me to get back together with him when she had had a drink last week even though my dad cheated on her for years.

I'm going to call relate and see what they say. My head is spinning thinking about it all. Nearly 9 weeks on now and I'm as confused as ever.

The girls are with him tonight at his mums and your right I need to stop asking him for help - I can do this on my own and tbh have done 90% of childcare and house keeping since day one.

I need to just get some courage to make the decision

Poor you:( The thing that strikes me most about your post is that you seem to be under a lot of pressure (rather than angry for ex). One positive way to look at this situation is that after the way your H has behaved, the ball is completely in your court. You are the one with the power to decide, but there's no need to make a life-changing decision right this minute. Why put that pressure on yourself? Let him wait, for months if necessary, while you go to counselling and come to a decision that you are happy with. I know it must be hard with kids, but in the meantime I would keep contact to a minimum. If he is really serious about his feelings for you, he will wait. If not, you're obviously better off without him. Really hope you can get counselling soon.

Thanks ringeir- see that's ultimately what I want - to give it a few months and see how I feel then but he just expects me to wake up and be happy next week. We spent last Monday together with the kids which was lovely but when I said that in a few months things might be better he went in a mood. I don't want to take one tiny step forward and a big foot step back when he goes all stroppy.

I'm going to keep contact minimal and about the kids for the next while. And your right if he really wants us to work he will wait for as long as it takes. Thanks for your advice x

You're very welcome. And good luck with everything. I am sure that if you (and others) give yourself time and space, things will become very clear to you.

Hugsx