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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

DH is addicted to online poker....

21 replies

WimpleOfTheBallet · 11/02/2011 10:01

It's ben an ongoing problem for the last 2 years. I almost finished us 18 mnths ago. He went away to work after a period of tryig to support the family via professional poker.

He JUST about kept us afloat with winnings but he was playing 24-7 and it ruined us.

After 10 months in a normal job abroad he has returned to another job bt hs had week off work due to technical issues

For this last 6days he has played poker again. At night until 2.00am and just now I went in the kitchen and there he was the wanker. Playing.

I said "We need to talk about this"

And he was immediately defensive and agressive.

I told him that if he wanted to play oker again then we're over. He had a big stomp and went upstairs to slam doors and he just threw my scales out of the bedroom window Confused

I hate it but he seems to think that he can earn money this way...in actual fact he DOES earn money but it's not worth it

Hes not using our money...he starts with a 20 pond pot and grows it until he ha 100 or so...then gambles with that. He can win thousans but it takes days and he istotally unreasonable and grumpy. He's unable to play with he kids and is awful.

I told him to leave but I know he wont go. I dont want him to go...when hes not playin poker he's lovely. What do I do when he wont even admit there's a problem?

OP posts:
BooBooGlass · 11/02/2011 10:04

This is a real problem. My brother was playing online poker and soon got addicted and it left him in all sorts of trouble. Your dp has a clear choice, you or the poker, which I think is a fair ultimatum. Right now he's choosing the poker. This won't get better until he admits it's a problem, so as hard as it is, I'd show him you're serious and ask him again to leave. If he won't, is there anywhere you can go for a few days? Showing him you mean it might be all the shock he needs. If not, there are support groups for this kind of addiction, would he be willing to give that a try?

scurryfunge · 11/02/2011 10:05

show him this site.

Original poster
WimpleOfTheBallet · 11/02/2011 10:07

There just isn't anywhere I can go...my Mum isn't in a place where we could stay with her and my frieds are all in flats with children.

He wouldn't conider a group...he can't see a problem. e thinks it's all about metrying to "control" him and not give him his freedom.

He also complains about the fact that he has the most financial responsibility....but I DO earn and what I earn really help us.

He keepssaying "It's not YOU who pays the bills"

OP posts:
scurryfunge · 11/02/2011 10:13

If he can't see it as an issue then you are fighting a losing battle.

I would start saving your own money and think about moving out.

BooBooGlass · 11/02/2011 10:15

If he feels so strongly that 'financially supporting' his family is such a burden and that you're nagging then tbh it's time to cut your losses. YOu say when he's not gambling he's a good man, but a good man would not make you feel like that. I think you need to leave and let him get on with it.

Original poster
WimpleOfTheBallet · 11/02/2011 10:24

Oh well what fucking great advice. Sorry but that's shit. I knew I shouldn't have posted it here.

I'll have this removed if I can.

OP posts:
BooBooGlass · 11/02/2011 10:29

Wimple, why ask for advice if you don't like it? This is enough of an issue for you to post about it, and rightly so. Do you really want to be with a man who resents 'payign the bills?' You have a job, you cntribute, and he still feels you have no right to have an issue with his gambling. There's no reason for you to put up with that.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 11/02/2011 10:37

Wimple,

What did you want people to say or write?. You now come across as both defensive and in denial yourself and by using swear words to other posters in your reply, ungrateful to boot. This is a serious problem which affects not just you but your children as well.

What are they learning from the two of you here?.

This situation is not doing you or your children any favours here; all you are personally doing now is enabling him. It is not your responsibility to control his gambling addiction (which you cannot do anyway).

Original poster
WimpleOfTheBallet · 11/02/2011 10:37

no....but what about tryig to get through it and making an effort? We have kids ffs. You dont just give up!

OP posts:
Original poster
WimpleOfTheBallet · 11/02/2011 10:38

Attilla...I have not asked for advie re my children.
I don't need any.

OP posts:
AttilaTheMeerkat · 11/02/2011 10:39

www.gamcare.org.uk

At the very least contact them.

You do have options, to say otherwise is not correct.

BooBooGlass · 11/02/2011 10:41

But you can't make him do anything if he doesn't want to. And he doesn't want to. Where is the respect here? He clearly has no respect for you. It's not just giving up. You have asked him to stop, you have asked him to leave. He has said no. If that's not him giving up on you and your relationship, I don't know what is

scurryfunge · 11/02/2011 10:43

Wimple, you have been given advice. You have said this nearly finished you 18 months ago. You have said he is not willing to discuss it or admit there is a problem. Until then you cannot hope to achieve much and you would do well to put the children first, not him.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 11/02/2011 10:46

He will always put the gambling before you all. He gave up on you all as soon as he resumed playing cards.

Its not about this whole fallacy of "giving up" by walking away. Sometimes you have to show the other person that there are indeed consequences for their actions. Where are his consequences to date, he knows you are not going to follow through with any threats as you have showed him these are empty threats.

Being his enabler only gives you a false sense of control.

I am not giving you advice re the children, I am just saying that living with a gambling addicted father will do them no favours ultimately. He is looking for that one big win, a win that will never come to him.

I would urge you to talk to Gamcare for your own sake.

emmyloopsylou · 11/02/2011 14:00

You'll realise the hard way, all the effort and working at it won't work with addicts. They have to want to help themselves first, he dosent. They usually have to hit rock bottom first. ......

Mymblesson · 11/02/2011 14:28

The positive here is that unlike many other gamblers, he's at least not frittering away family money and getting deeply into debt.

Do you want him to give up completely or perhaps restrict himself to playing for a limited amount of time per day so that you can spend more time together as a family? Would he consider that?

msboogie · 11/02/2011 14:46

He won't keep winning forever. In fact I would be very surprised if he is actually winning all the time now.

Mymblesson · 11/02/2011 14:53

No one wins all the time, but the thing about poker, though, is that it's a genuine game of skill. Good players can and do make money as they win more than they lose.

Looks like Wimple's partner is good enough to make a small profit overall, but not good enough to make a proper living out of it.

inbetweener · 11/02/2011 14:59

If you were prepared to give up 18 months ago what has changed ? Things havent got better have they ?
Why do you now feel you should stay and sort it out becuase of the children ?

Im all for staying and working things through and I will be honest i do think a LOT of people on here, cry leave him ! Leave him ! at the first opportunity but yuo yourself had come to that conclusion 18 months so whats different now ?

poissonfou · 11/02/2011 15:09

had a similar problem that went on for about 2 years plus, on and off...led to huge finacial problems(he obviously wasn't very good at it!) that we are still trying to pay off(nearly 3 years since he stopped) thing is he realised it was a problem-an addiction-he wanted to change,went to see a counseller and very close to losing his family made the choice to stop. i made the choice to accept that he had an addiction and to try and help him and not to throw it back in his face since,however now if he did start again i would leave.it is an addiction and the real issues behind this need to be addressed before he can put an end to it. good luck

loscann · 11/02/2011 15:25

Wimple you want people to tell you "make an effort" but the reason nobody will is that you are making an effort. The one who needs to make an effort is HIM. But you can't force him, and neither can we, he has to want it and at the moment he doesn't. He's putting poker ahead of you, your relationship, and your financial stability.

For him right now, poker comes ahead of all those things. Only he can rearrange those priorities. That's why people advise to leave, because it isn't fair to you to live that way.

I really hope he starts talking and rearranging priorities. But if he doesn't, you deserve much better.

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