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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

depression and when to move on

20 replies

rabbit54 · 10/02/2011 21:34

I have been depressed for about two years as my partner does not want a second child. I am aged 41 and a half. I dont know if to call it a day and split up with my partner as I am not happy with him because he would not let me have a second child. I will never completely forgive him. We could have easily had a second, we have the time, money, space and love. Our first child has an excellent life with our attention almost all the time apart from when he is at nursery. Will my depression ever go, will I ever be happy with my partner again?

OP posts:

LittleMissNorty · 10/02/2011 21:39

Why did he not want a second?

Your post is so mainly because of the words "he would not let me".....says it all really.

Have you seen your GP

Only you can make those sort of decisions re leaving but I also would struggle with "not being allowed to" have another baby....

MummieHunnie · 10/02/2011 21:40

Why do you want another child and why does he not? When you married what did you discuss agree regarding children prior to marriage? What does your GP say about your depression? How old is your other child?

So many questions, so that people can help you work through the issues

Original poster

rabbit54 · 10/02/2011 21:48

he does not want a second because he does not want a busy life. he only works three days a week and just wants an easy life. he is also a person who does not make changes in his life or initiate things, but once things are initiated then he joins in and is happy.

OP posts:

Original poster

rabbit54 · 10/02/2011 21:49

we had been going out for a year and a half when i got pregnant and it was a happy accident.

OP posts:

LittleMissNorty · 10/02/2011 21:50

What a selfish git.

Sorry but......can you not have another happy accident?

Original poster

rabbit54 · 10/02/2011 21:51

I am managing life, work and child care and I dont think our first child who is three years old has noticed my depression at all. But its been so long since I laughed. I can forget about a second child for periods of time at work. I also worry I am going to smother my first child with love. My DS is fantastic.

OP posts:

Original poster

rabbit54 · 10/02/2011 21:54

I cant have a happy accident because I could not deceive him with the contraception and so told him when i had my coil taken out and so he is being careful ish. The only thing I question is how could he watch me go through two years of depression......

OP posts:

LittleMissNorty · 10/02/2011 21:57

he probably hasn't even noticed cos he is too wrapped up in himself.

Sorry I know I'm being harsh but I'm for you

Original poster

rabbit54 · 10/02/2011 22:02

I am not sure how much he has noticed. He is a bit of an island to himself emotionally. Thanks for your support. Its very hard to get inside someones mind and understand what they feel for you. I am going to bed now as I have to get up early for work. Thanks.

OP posts:

LittleMissNorty · 10/02/2011 22:06

then perhaps you need to have it out with him before you give up.

But do see your GP - it may be easier to talk to him if you are in a better frame of mind.

Good luck x

MummieHunnie · 10/02/2011 22:08

Rabbit, it sounds like you never had the talk about children when you first got together then, why did you not have such an important talk?

I think you are right, it is not a good idea to have a child without your oh knowing. You will feel guilty and he will feal cheated, and it is not fair on the child or any of you.

Do you actually like/love your dp at the moment?

Do you think you may have pnd?

beatenbyayellowteacup · 10/02/2011 22:18

Do you think it's the second child or your DH's manner towards you that is depressing?

beatenbyayellowteacup · 10/02/2011 22:18

Sorry, DP

MorticiaAddams · 11/02/2011 05:25

Did he want children at all?

How is he with your child?

Original poster

rabbit54 · 11/02/2011 07:16

He is an excellent father and an ok partner. Its difficult to say how good he is as a partner through my fog of depression. He never wanted children but he agreed to give me one child. Our DS has made him a happier and healthier person. He helps organise playgroups, plays chess with the kids at nursery, attends the NCT groups. He was a bit of a lost soul before.

OP posts:

MummieHunnie · 11/02/2011 09:06

Rabbit, what are you going to do when your child needs to be more free of you as they get older? You can't base your happiness and mental health on your children, a therpist is normally the answer to finding out what your issues are, it is unfair on your child to base your happiness on them loving you, if there is a hole of love in your life you need to address it with therapy.

JustForThisOne · 11/02/2011 09:24

is he an only child?
you really need to have a serious talk with him pronto
I agree you need some sort of help (GP and therapy)
You cannot really take it as a deal breaker if you never discuss it though
Also It is very odd to hear somebody talking about kids in these terms. He let you have a child, He will not give you another one...they are not present from him to you are they?
He seems more involved with your ds than a lot of other fathers so sounds like it is worthy an firm push

cestlavielife · 11/02/2011 12:32

please go see GP and get some counsellig to explore why your whole focus is on having another child (bearing in mind at 41 conceiving will be harder anyway and that it is not guaranteed you will have a healthy child -there is more risk of disability etc and you and H have to be prepared for that - have you asked H if he is worried about this?? ).

it is sad that for 2 years this has been sole focus- but from the other side, my exP was depressed and awlays found one big thing to be the sole reason for his depression. but when that sole thing was resolved - he found something ese to be depressed about.

or he would go on and no that if we only moved country all our problems would be solved (grass is greener approach) - which clelry cannot be true.

he could always find one huge thing to blame. it may be easy to say "all my depression is due to this one issue". maybe there are bigger issues going on that a counsellor can help you explore and resolve.

counselling for you may help you resolve this issue and see whether there ar eother ways your partner can support you - other than ahving a second baby. or some joint sessions to discuss why and why not have another baby. pros and cons.

please go chat to GP and get some help and support for your depression.

Original poster

rabbit54 · 11/02/2011 19:31

cestlavielife - I have never been depressed before, in fact usually very beaming and positive, but then I have never wanted something so much. I think that children are just the best thing in the world, maybe I am blinkered as mine is still young and only three. My DP and I both have similar life ethos and life styles and I defo love him deep down. But we are very different in temperament and come from very different backgrounds. My DP can afford to not work much due to inheritance, whereas I have had to work very hard for a career which pays my way. So, my DP does not strive for things and I do. He likes his easy life and I like a busy life. So that's why he wants one child and part of the reason I want two. ANyway I am not going to bore you any more with this. There is nothing i can do at my age.

OP posts:

MummieHunnie · 11/02/2011 21:57

Do you and your dp share income Rabbit?

I find your post contradictory Rabbit, you say on one hand you have never been so happy since being a Mum, and on the other hand you are very unhappy you can't have a second.

I would go and see your GP if I were you, you may be still suffering undiagnosed pnd from your first child, earlier you said you never smile, and your child has no idea that you are depressed, the thing is thing is your baby will have picked up from others that they smile and you don't, not fair on any of you really that you are so unhappy.

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