Relationship with in laws post divorce

[TheAtterySquash]

I would be really interested in the experiences of anyone who has maintained some kind of contact with their former in laws post divorce.

Obviously I realise for some people one of the up sides of divorce is never needing to see them again, but for those that didn't think like that, how did your relationship change?

It's one of the things I'm finding really hard. We aren't divorced yet, but it's in the pipeline. My fuckwit husband has behaved really badly, carrying on a protracted secret affair before walking out last year, and there's no question that my in laws are on my side. They have been kind and supportive, both emotionally and practically, and I am very grateful to them.

My MIL is adamant that as little should change as possible in the future - she adores the children, and I have known her for so long that she really is pretty much like a mother to me (I do have a very nice mother of my own as well...). So she wants to keep coming to stay, for me to keep going to visit them, to see me when she's in the area, and for the children and I to go on holiday with them later this year .

That said, she has, I think, basically put her son's bad behaviour to one side in her mind, and is trying hard to rebuild her relationship with him and his new woman - she's not happy about what they've done, and has told them so in no uncertain terms, but she is having them to stay next weekend, has met the OW a couple of times, and is essentially taking the view (probably rightly) that if she doesn't accept it and move on, he will cut off all ties with her. I don't know if he has suggested this explicitly to her, but it's certainly the impression I get. And it's exactly what he would do - a calculated bluff to get what he wants.

This all leaves me feeling a bit nonplussed. I feel a bit as if she's trying to have it both ways, and I don't know how I feel about it. I definitely don't want them to stop being part of the children's lives, nor do I want to lose contact with them - I'm very fond of them both, and absolutely adore my two sisters in law and their families (both of whom have been very clear on where they stand in this).

I'm not asking them to pick sides - I would expect if I did they would choose him, which is fair enough. But I do wonder given the circumstances how long we will all carry on being best friends - they don't live nearby so there's limited practical support they can give on a day to day basis. Is it really realistic to expect that in five years time, I will still be visiting them for weekends?

children shouldnt miss out on grandparents, espesh if they are good ones. If this was me i would still see the inlaws and pop in there as they suggested ect ect, you cant ask you MIL to choose, she isnt your husband or wife and saying something like that is just....umm cant find the word,...not yor place is maybe what im looking for.

She can have best of both worlds really as thats the scope you get when your a grandparent. I would not want my child to be without my mil as she is brill with my LO and some of my happiest memories are with my grandparents ( but then i had a crap child hood at home so... )

but mainly i wouldnt want my lo to miss out, thats the bottom line, as thats what is important to me for her to have all the good things i had and the things i never did.

My experience is that its difficult with the PILs but possible to maintain a relationship if you both want to and are both willing to do what it takes to make it work.

I have always got on well with the PILs and in fact, as my mum died many years ago, to some extent regarded my MIL as a mother figure. Difficult then when XH had the affair and moved in with OW.

I am maintaining the relationship with them although there is some distance there atm as words have been said that have upset both of us and there are obviously some feelings that cant be voiced if we want to sustain the relationship. MIL loves her son and will always forgive him for whatever he does, even though I can see that she struggled with the fact he had an affair. She is also not aware of some the facts and so at times tends to blame me for things that she wouldnt if she knew the truth. So, all in all, its difficult.

But I do want to maintain the relationship and so does she so we do talk and will visit from time to time. And hopefully, over time things will become a little easier.

Your inlaws sound as though they are really trying to do the very best they can and are obviously very fond of you.

My suggestion is that you just see where the relationship goes and not wonder what it is going to be like in 5 years. They will always be your kids GPs so that relationship will always be there, and if there is mutual fondness and respect between you and them then there is no reason why you can't maintain your own relationship with them regardless of what your exh is up to.

No personal experience as I don't have a relationship with my inlaws at all!

But, my parents were divorced and my paternal grandparents continued to have the same relationship with my Mum, and she with them, that they had always had. (I sometimes think my grandparents liked my Mum a heck of a lot more than my Dad who was a bit of a prat it has to be said)

It can be done. If both sides want it too.

XH and I are separated, and have been since October.

No complications about an OW or OM though, and I can see that makes a difference. Both his parents are dead; I like one of his brothers but not the other so I will try to stay in touch with them, and they have said I am always welcome there, which is nice. They live 100 miles away so it's not likely I'll see them often.

My parents have said they want to stay in touch with XH, which is fine by me if that's what they want to do. They bought panto tickets for a weekend when the DCs were with XH (my mistake on dates!) so he went to the panto with them all. My parents have been to lunch at XH's house with the DCs too. I do wonder how my parents will feel when he meets someone else but I guess that is their issue. At the moment I am struggling to get my mum to understand that I just do not want to hang out with XH any more at weekends, so there is no point inviting me, him and the DCs to something. That's obviously another thread entirely!

I suppose in general I see it as a positive that the DCs see their father with my parents. It helps to make the split more amicable, and we are trying to keep it amicable. I'm not really fussed about how it pans out in 5 years time - I can make sure my kids have a relationship with my parents, and I think it's up to XH to make sure the children have a relationship with his brothers.

it sounds like your inlaws are trying to go to every length possible to let you know how important you still are to them - and to balance out the fact that they will of course have a relationship with your ex's new partner.

I'm not sure why you are describing her as 'having it both ways'. That seems unfair - she can't possibly reject a relationship with her sons new partner - and it's got nothing to do with whether he would cut her off or not - she just can't. It's her son and he's entitled to move on and have a new relationship - however sad she might feel about it she has to accept that.

And on top of that she wants to show her love to you and your children - hence inviting you on holiday. She wants to demonstrate that this relationship isn't ending for her - and is trying to tell you that she cares.

I think your underlying feeling, which perhaps you aren't acknowledging - is that you would rather she rejected the new partner. It's understandable as a raw emotion but if you look rationally at it you can see that's not fair.

You can't then judge her for trying to keep her relationship with you going! You'd be hurt I imagine if she had not reached out to you/ continued the relationship.

I can imagine why you might want to cut back - but be honest with her and say it's hard for you now she is friends with your ex / and partner - so things like holidays might not be a good idea. Definitely keep the relationship as good as possible for your kids though - and try to maintain a friendship with her.

But be honest, dont hide behind annoyance which isn't fair.

Oh but you must carry on seeing them - think how much it will piss off the other woman!

Please don't misunderstand - I know she is trying really really hard. And she's been wonderful. They were here today, took us out for lunch, and FIL fixed various things while she played with the children. I know she's in an impossible position, and would never ever have chosen this. I know she's also very worried about us all, ashamed of her son, and desperate to keep things as close to the way they were as possible.

waterrat - you're quite right, I definitely would prefer her to refuse to see the OW. It is a generally accepted fact that the pair of them have behaved really really badly (won't bore you with the details, but it's not really up for debate) so I suppose there's a part of me that childishly would much prefer MIL to have said "that woman will never darken my doorstep".

But I am trying to be grown up about it - I know she isn't going to cut off her son, and I wouldn't expect her to.

I suppose what's really upsetting is that I am not part of family events now and the OW is. And that really upsets me, even though I understand that we obviously can't all turn up, and that it would be weird if I went and my husband didn't. But my MIL (who is desperate to be honest with me) was telling me that at Easter, she is having the extended family over for lunch. This will include my husband, the children and the OW, all of whom are going for the weekend. That kills me - he's not even particularly bothered about family events, but I've always enjoyed them. I love his entire family, and I am furious that he has taken that away from me in addition to everything else, and if I'm honest, I feel a little bit as if she has stolen my life (which I suspect was always part of her agenda - she saw what we had, and decided she wanted it).

atswimtwolengths - yes, I know . Even if I wanted to stop, I wouldn't, for that very reason...

i think all things considered it has worked out OK as far as the in laws go, his mother will prob never cut her son off no matter what he does, and she wants to keep in contact with her grandkids, which is part of her son after all, she has acknowledged that her son has been an idiot, i can understand how you feel about loosing your 'family' it is almost like a bereavement as they are no longer yours to socialize with, i think it will just take time to be honest, i split with my ex a couple of months ago and it is him actually that is missing my big, close family, he has turned up on some their doorsteps for a cup of tea, ( they have let him in in the interest of trying to keep it all civil) but he is missing them TBH as he is not that close to his own family,

If u can "detatch" from his relationship with his parents and just concentrate on ur relationship with in laws that's the road I would take .all part of the good old journey of emotional development and healing divorce brings.my Ils opted out but then they never really opted in ,actually said to me in hospital we don't do girls and I said well u do now ! Ok this will turn into a rant,my point is if ur relationship is one with positive vibes enjoy having them as friends and gps x

TheAtterySquash, I feel your pain about the family gatherings - maybe your ILs can arrange some alternative informal gatherings which you and your children are invited to? Maybe not the "biggies" like Easter etc... but other dates? The date doesn't matter particularly anyway, it's the being together which counts. The OW sounds horrible and if it's any consolation I wouldn't want her to darken my doorstep :).
I don't have much experience of this. My (blood) aunt got divorced over 20 years ago because of an affair. She went to live with her new partner and left her two daughters with my uncle (though she did see them). My grandmother carried on seeing my uncle for a while but then inexplicably fell out with him. I'm not sure what it was about, but one thing I heard was that she got offended when he and his new girlfriend (whom he met after my aunt had left) were too obvious that they were going upstairs for some nooky when she was staying with them or visiting. I think the whole situation was probably hard for her to cope with and in the end she chose her daughter, even though she was the "guilty" party.
Not exactly an encouraging thing to write, sorry. Your ILs sound balanced and kind. I think my grandmother was weaker in a way - she was on her own by that time and probably couldn't face extra "complications" in her life.
I agree with the poster who said that you should concentrate on developing a new friendship with them which is based on the new circumstances. Also the one who said that you must carry on seeing them as it will annoy the OW!

I have a great relationship with my outlaws.

There were wobbles during me and ex-H breaking up, but it's all very cordial now, and has been for years.

I have just stayed friendly and polite, and was very accommodating about their grand-daughter going to visit. She is 14 now and has been to her dad's second wedding in Australia with her grandparents. I picked them up at the airport and we all hugged hello and exchanged news. Of course it can work.

I doubt you will be visiting them for weekends in 5 years time. Hopefully you will still be in touch, but your relationship will increasingly be about the children, not about you and I suspect with time they will mainly see the kids through their son.
Expecting them to disown their son and/ or his new girlfriend is unrealistic. I can't imagine disowning my son because he changes partner, but would like to think if he had kids their mother wouldn't stop me seeing my grandchildren because I still love my son.

If you have a son. Put yourself in her shoes. As far as I see it, she has no choice but to behave as she is

You sound like a very nice person, so does your MIL. It sounds like your DH is a shitbag, the OW is either exceedingly naive and/or she is a matching shitbag.

(My DH had an affair and walked out, so I embarked on this path with my MIL, although DH has now returned to repair things). My MIL was very similar to your MIL, but she was of the attitude that the OW would never darken her doorstep. However, it didn't really go far enough for her to have to implement this decision. Your MIL shouldn't cut her son off. It would be a terrible thing to do. I know he has done something really terrible, but really you have to wait for him to naturally receive the consequences of his own actions. Relationships based on deceit generally don't last. I think the figs are 5-10% manage to last. Don't think that she has taken your life and slipped into your shoes - she cannot do that - she might be taking your place at the table at Easter but it cannot be that easy. You can't just slip into someone's shoes - her and your DH will face issues and rather than you forcing the issues, just wait and let him reap the consequences.

See how it goes with your MIL. Always do the decent thing and it will benefit you in the long term.

i split with exh 7 years ago. still have a very good relationship with ex-inlaws having been extremely close to them when i was with exh. they are very good to ds1 so although in early days it was difficult, it has really been worth trying to keep things pleasant between us. they see ds1 quite regularly independently of his dad - ie they call me to make arrangements to see ds1, they come in and have a coffee when they pick up/drop off. it's very civilised and good for ds1 to see us all together. and on ds1's birthday, they and exh and his gf and their kids all come over to our house and we all pretend to actually sort of do all get on well for a couple of hours.