So, tell me, is my marriage over then?

[oneofthosedays]

DH and I been together for 9 years, married for 4 and have 2 DCs aged 3.5 and 7. We had a period of going to Relate year before last due to not being able to agree on anything (minor) and it all kept exploding into massive 1hr shouting matches before one of us storming off. We seemed to get to the bottom of it ok, still have the odd shouty match but I know it's mainly due to me being such a control freak.

Latest thing is with me though, I simply have no wish to kiss, cuddle or sleep with DH apart from the odd bear hug when either of us is fed up. It's like we're more like mates than married and although I don't not fancy DH I don't think 'phwoarrr' when I see him anymore, although if I see him somewhere like work or if we're agreed to meet up and I see him waiting at the end of the street or whatever, I still get that slightly giddy, butterfly tummy feeling?!

I feel like I want to pull away when DH goes to kiss me and there's been nothing more than a peck on the lips for the last few weeks. Sex-wise, we moved house last Nov and DTD once since then, I'm not repulsed by the thought of it, I just really don't want to/can't be bothered. No self love either, no fancying other blokes, celebs or anything but the odd rude dream so I know I'm not completely dead from the waist down!

I don't know whether it's the pill messing with my sex drive (been on pill for a while tho and sex issues recent) or I literally am just falling out of love with DH but I am genuinely happy with the way things are at moment (i.e living together like close friends). I know DH doesn't want to live like this though, he doesn't mither for sex, occasionally can be a bit clingy for kisses and hugs etc. I haven't discussed any of this with him though as he would take it really badly, he's a very emotional person whereas I can be quite emotionally detached at times.

Please tell me what you think? Does feeling like this mean it's all over?

Hey there, sounds like you have been through a lot together and come through it. I actually don't believe that you fall out of love. I think love is a decision and a commitment. Sometimes it is harder to make that decision, whether because things have become a bit stale or because you aren't getting on. Othertimes it is easy. It sounds like you might be taking all the good things about your relationship for granted (I know I do this constantly) and maybe you could try and be spontaneous or do some different things together?

I do think you sound a bit emotionally detached and a little flippant, yet so much is at stake for all of you...

I don't think its necessarily over. Not if you are both willing to work at it.

Is there something bothering you deep down? Do you ever get any alone time? Do you do anything "exciting" together or even share a hobby?

In short, other than the fact you have kids together, what do you have in common?

For me & my partner. We always make time together even if it means palming the kids off to a sitter. We go training together, going for a jog tonight.

Most importantly though we share laughs together and take the mickey out of each other.

I think you need to work on being a couple as with young kids its far too easy to just become two people whom live together and life revolves around kids only.

OneofThoseDays,

Hi, I could have written this about this time last year. Can report though that DH and I are now fine.

For me it was a case of not missing what I wasn't getting. So try to muster up some interest, even if it feels like an insurmountable problem, it isn't.

Some people say take things slowly, lots of laughter, lots of hugs but it sounds like you have all of that already. I know I did.

Your children are very young and I'm sure like most mum you work hard and have very few hours you can call your own.

The first thing to do, is take time and look after yourself, take up a sport, do your nails, get your hair done and buy some sexy undies, then just take a deep breath and jump in!

Glad to report that once we had got back into making an effort I found I fancied him just as much as I had the day I met him.

All is not lost and your relationship sounds very much like its worth saving.

The relate lady did say something along the lines of 'the more sex you have, the more you want' and it is true I suppose. The routine is not to do it at the moment and we're both so knackered by the end of the day (and get up very early in the mornings) that I am just looking forward to getting up to bed. The nights when I do feel like having a snuggle up I don't because I'm scared DH will see it as a come on and I'll be dead tired in the morning if we DTD.

We get on really well and always have (apart from the petty, childish arguments which crop up sometimes), always agree on the big stuff and do have a laugh when we do go out with and without the kids. Nights out alone together are few and far between unfortunately but we did go to the Ballet before xmas (both never been before) and we were buzzing afterwards and both really enjoyed ourselves. So when I think of that side of things I really do feel hopeful for our future, it's just making the effort to do stuff alone more often.

I do think the children affect things, eldest DC is fine, generally a really easy child but youngest DC is really challenging at the moment and is draining a lot of my energy 'managing' his behaviour and I know DH feels the same (though his clashes mainly come with eldest DC).

We do have a laugh, take the piss out of each other, act a bit silly sometimes. It sounds really cheesy but it is the spark that has gone, passion-wise really. Maybe it feels like it takes less energy to bumble along with DH as 'mate' instead of 'husband'.

Maybe my OP was a little flippant but it's srange for me to jump into my first post in Relationships and start going really deep, I deal with stuff like that with humour matter-of-factness.

I don't think your marriage is over and from what you've posted you don't want it to be! Chances are you've fallen into the situation of being too busy being parents to be a couple (note I said 'situation' not 'trap', you can get out of it). When you're both so busy with work and family it's easy to forget why you're together. It will pass but like the other posters said, it will take some effort. You may never replicate the feelings you had in the beginning as your relationship has moved on since then (time does that) but it can and will get better.
I have been in your shoes and worried that me and dh were more mates than a couple and I guess sometimes we are. But you said you still feel a buzz when you see your dh unexpectedly and that is a really hopeful sign!
Can you get anyone to look after the kids once every couple of weeks so you and your dh can go out on a date? There are always good reasons not to do things but you rarely regret it when you've made the effort. Good luck x

Come off the pill

Immediately if not sooner! This is one of the great not talked about consequences of hormonal contraception. There may be other issues affecting things but the pill kills the sex drive of most women who take it.

Eric - I have been reading up on side effects of the pill this afternoon (am on cerazette) mainly because of the damn spots and facial hair sproutings but came across a lot of comments re sex drive, depression etc and I must admit it did make me think whether that's got anything to do with it? Also, I've always been a narky bitch with a bit of a temper but since being on this pill I get the proverbial red mist when I lose my temper and feel like I could literally murder someone, which is not good really.

Maybe I should make an appt at my FPC and discuss other options for contraception then and try to tackle these issues with DH from all sides?

I agree with Eric - I came off the pill and had the raging horn my first month off it. I was so randy I greeted DH when he came home from work one night wearing nothing but a smile and we did it on the kitchen floor. It has calmed down a bit since then but am much more up for it then when I was on the pill.
I hadn't felt that up for it in years.
Your marriage sounds very strong and definitely worth saving.

Oneof - I was on cerazette for a little while. After about 4/5 months DH begged me to come off it, as my mood swings were becoming unbearable. I hadn't noticed it was so bad, though I knew I'd been a bit tetchier than normal. And it might well be a partial answer to the sex drive issues too (though exhaustion is also a fairly significant factor!)

I really do hope it's just the pill, I'm going to book in a FPC and have a chat. I've mentioned poss pill probs to DH and he reckons to try another or come off altogether (no sign of him volunteering for the snip but there's no pressure for this from me). I also think a date night is in order as it's far too long since we went and had some fun without the kids!