It's over...what next?

[GoingGrey42]

Have been with OH 24 years. We have family.
Over years I have worked shifts, nights and days and did majority of looking after the children. At one time I had 3 under 6yrs and he was working away, only home on weekends.
I always dealt with the finances as he didn't pay any attention, as long as he had cash for what he wanted to do. We had problems seeling old property and ended up with negative equity and a mortgage each.I made mistakes, robbing peter to pay paul, didn't tell him we were having difficulties until it all blew up in my face. We got ourselves sorted but as time went by it all fell back on my shoulders. Over the last 15 years we have had problems financially on and off, redundancy etc.. and it's taken several massive arguments for him to finally take control. He now has no trust in me having any thing to with money because as far as he is concerned I lied to him then and ever since because any error I have made he considers it to be something else I have hidden from him. I acknowledge I have made some horrendous cock ups over the years but have never been able to tell him when there's been a problem...why??
Anyhow, last year I found out he had a text/work affair with a young woman in his office. I faced him off and he told me it was because he couldn't talk to me but nothing happened, they just talked. I emailed her and she confirmed his story without me telling her what he had told me.
We've tried...since Christmas it's been bad. He now says he no longer can look at me or talk to me because he just remembers the lies. He forgets the years I supported him through thick and thin,every plan he had I was right behind him. Basically I put him and the children above anything I wanted.
I idolised him and still love him with all my heart.Thing is, he lied to me too, when we got married he said he would love me through good times and bad.
It's no good, he wants out, I understand he has lost faith in me, but now he's stalling. Says he still is leaving but now I want to know when? We don't talk, text or email, still I cannot bring myself to confront him.
Why am I doing this? AM I too scared at my age to start again?

24 years is a long time and there are two sides to this coin. It is a lot to throw away, especially as you have children and there is love there (on your part, at least) but there will also be some fear of the unknown too, because you have been with this man for all of your adult life.

It seems that neither of you are good at taking relational risks in the relationship. You couldn't tell him when the finances were getting out of control and he couldn't tell you when his attentions moved elsewhere.

If it helps, I think he is being highly disingenuous that the reason for his emotional affair was because he "couldn't talk to you". I suspect the reasons were grounded in something far more banal and earthier, which is that he couldn't resist an opportunity to flirt and get attention from a younger woman. That might have happened even if your relationship was wonderful.

I'm curious that he wants out of the relationship now, when the most recent indiscretion was his and the finances appear to be under control. Instinctively, I don't think you are getting the real reasons for his departure from the relationship, but he is happy for you to take the blame.

Would he consider couples counselling? However, I should warn you that this will only work if both of you are open and honest and not hiding any remaining secrets.

Hi, thanks for your message...
We've tried counselling over the years and the only thing we could never communicate about was money. We had a good love life and we both adore our children.
His emotional affair was a complete bolt because he has never indicated anything like it before. We were going through a bad patch and it came to my mind it could be someone else but my faith in him was so strong that I immediately dismissed such a ridiculous idea. I should have trusted my instincts.
I know I did not tell him everything over the years because to be honest he never paid the slightest interest until I messed it up.
The problem I have with the "friendship" was that our daughter found out and told me because he had left texts on his phone, she was playing games on it and had a bit of a nose. That really upset him - because he had been caught? or because of the way it happened? I then a few weeks later found semi naked pics she had sent him. He told me it was nothing. Thing is once he apologised for it I was supposed to forget it ever happened and it was never to be mentioned again. He says I have messed up over and over whilst he did it once, should he be made to pay for one mistake is his reasoning.
As for now? He says he loves me but cannot be with me? How does that work??
I have this deep set problem with telling him about financial stuff. COuld it be because I used to hear my parents arguing at night when I was a child?? Confused lol x

Well, burying an affair of any description and not being allowed to talk about it never works. If I were you, I would be looking at this area more, in terms of his reason for leaving. I am sceptical about whether you are being told the entire truth about why he wants to leave now.

The EA was hardly "nothing" if even after your DD's discovery, it was still going on and pictures were still being sent. It's also not unusual at all for an OW to collude with an H's story, especially if the relationship is ongoing, so I would put absolutely no store by her "honesty" and never would. You cannot prove that he didn't get to her first, unless you had him under house arrest after discovery and he had no access to technology to make contact with her and pre-warn.

Your fears about arguments are no doubt borne out of your own childhood unhappy memories and if you've already had counselling, I'm surprised this wasn't explored.

It sounds as though your H has given up and doesn't want to try any more. Why, is the question? I always point out to women who are being left suddenly, that most parents who have just fallen out of love and are arguing will try everything before giving up. Generally I have found that the people who don't want to do that, have another person to go to and they are not telling the truth, at all.

It might suit him to point at your financial gaffes and pretend that this is the source of the problem, but if this is just pretence and hiding a bigger reason, it is horribly cruel. In your shoes, I'd be exploring whether there are other reasons.

Hi again.
I guess I was too ready to take all the blame. I don't deny in anyway that I had a hand in how things have gone but he flatly refuses to accept any responsibility for how things have gone and he has told me he blames me totally.
As for the EA? I see what you're saying, maybe I was too quick to believe what I was being told because I couldn't believe it had happened to us. He has always been so loving and I believed him to be of very high morals and he fell off the pedestal with one helluva thump.
Maybe I need to do a bit of investigating.
He has given up on us and it's very hard to try and fix things alone.
Thank you so much for your help x