We've lived together for 3 months and I've already had enough

[DoomsNight]

Been together for around 2 years but only moved together in November. We have have a 14 year old daughter each so almost an entire year was spent on trying to get them as friendly as possible before we thought about moving together and it seemed to be going fine but dd kept saying to me in private that dsd "did her head in" because she whinged all the time, slagged me and her father off constantly and was overly dramatic about everything. I knew DSD did moan a lot but I told DD not to start being nasty and to just ignore the behaviour she didn't like. But as I say we've lived together since November and I have really, really had enough already. DSD really does moan constantly, about every little thing, its like she's trying to be as awkward as possible. We treat them to pizza take-away, she'll moan that she'd prefer curry, we treat them to curry, she'll moan that she fancied Pizza. Her father just laughs it off and says she's a drama queen but to me it isn't funny, its wearing really thin. Its not just the moaning though, she's so clingy I forget she's the same age as DD half the time. If me and DP sit down to watch a movie on the night time, he will be bombarded with constant texts from her from her bedroom. Half the time she'll text something like "omg please help me, quickly". DP will go running upstairs thinking she's hurt herself and she will be sprawled out on her bed and will say she needs the sims installing on her laptop or something stupid like that. If we go out anywhere she links arms with him and tries to drag him away from me and dd so we all end up walking like two seperate families. Even the little things are starting to get to me like the way she speaks. Typical conversation from the other night:
DP - "DD, has your mum text you?"
DSD - " WHAT???"
DP - "Has your mother text you?"
DSD - "WHAT?"
DP - "has your mother text you?"
(at this point I have to walk away through intense irritation but it carries on... )
DSD - "WHAT??"
DP - "E*!!! will you listen! has your mother text you??"
DSD - "I DONT KNOW!!"
DP - "Have a look on your phone then!"
DSD - "I DON'T KNOW!!"
DP - "WELL!!! have a look on your phone!!"
DSD - "I SAID I DONT KNOW!!!"
DP - "for christ's sake, LOOK ON YOUR PHONE!!"
DSD - "I HAVE!"
DP - "AND???"
DSD - "I DON'T KNOW!!"
DP - "IS THERE A TEXT ON THERE FROM HER OR NOT????"
DSD - "I DON'T KNOW!!!"

I mean, ffs.

Another one from last night:

DSD - "I have a headache "
DP - "take some paracetamol?"
DSD - "NO I HAVE A HEADACHE!!"
DP - "then take some paracetamol!"
DSD - "ITS THERE!!!" (points to spot on her head)
DP - "yes, well take some paracetamol"
DSD - "I SAID ITS THERE!!!"

?????? I just don't understand why she does this? it's like she delibratley misunderstands everything that is said to her but he carries on the farce of a conversation as if he's used to it.
DD is now unhappy and says she wants to move in with her dad as she'll never be able to concentrate on her exams living with a "couple of wierdos". So what do I do? stay and hope it gets better in time or have I somehow missed the signs along the way that warned me this was never going to work?

Just a thought - has she got hearing issues? My DSD has. Before we all realised and she got tested it was quite challenging with all the 'whats' the perceived ignoring of us and her inability to remember my name (and others names). She is a bit younger than your DSD I hasten to add!

Is she jealous of your relationship? Sure sounds like it. She is being a little madam but try to understand why. I'mnot sure what you can do though and I hope someone can be more useful than me.

Do you think she genuinely doesn't understand what is being said to her?

I think having her hearing checked is a good idea but I'd be inclined to wonder if she has some autistic traits, from your post.

I know a slightly younger child with ASD about whom both those exchanges could be written.

The only way this will get better is to talk to each other all together. Speak to your DP first and if he agrees make a time. With your DD choose 3 top dealbreaker things and bring them up very gently and kindly when you are all present. Then give it 4-6 weeks to work on those.

Be prepared, they might have a top 3 for you/DD as well!

If DP/DSD won't meet or talk or won't try to modify their behaviour during 4-6 weeks then I'm afraid you have to call it a day.

I've been here and it may get better but tbh it will prob stay the same or get worse, I don't think this girl likes you but that may change in time as she grows older and becomes more independent. Any child that is not your own is going to get on your nerves. I honestly think the best thing you can do is avoid her as much as possible but you may find in the future you are better conducting your relationship in separate homes, it didn't work for me and I gave it nearly two years and very nearly had a breakdown, it's unbelieve how someone else's child's behaviour can actually drive you insane.

I think poshsinglemum has hit it on the head.

Your partner and his daughter have had each other to rely on for a long time and now you and your daughter have come in and changed the dynamic.

I went out with a woman for a number of years who had a daughter of 8. She was initially wary of me, then as time progressed things were great and the time we spent together as a family was really enjoyable.

However, when we started to talk seriously about buying a house together (I have 3 children of my own who live with me half of the time) then the relationship deteriorated quickly.

She could see that the only life she had known (her dad walked out when she was a baby) was under threat of change. In the end her mother and I broke up for different reasons.

Difficult and I cannot suggest an answer. I have lived alone with my kids for 7 years precisely because I haven't found someone who I am confident enough in to invite share the home my kids and I have built.

I would have thought the first thing would be to get her checked for hearing problems - if she's not understanding things said to her, preferring to communicate by text? That's what it sounds like to me anyway. It's quite possible she is just being awkward, but would check the obvious thing first!

I know in younger children anyway that hearing problems can sometimes be misinterpreted as them being naughty or dificult.

Sounds to me she only has selective hearing, ie, when DN engages with her, ofcourse she is jealous but if you take that away, do you actually like her as a person and do you think you can enjoy each other's company, sounds to me like she drives you mad and I know that feeling and I would be surprised if it would change.

Living with someone else's child or children no matter how much you love that person is a hard job and takes a certain type of person.

Definitely a good idea to check the hearing. But that's not all of it, plainly, as she doesn't need to hear anything to command DP up to her room to fix her game!

BUT ... The conversations you posted are very much about her needing more care & concern, aren't they? If someone of any age, let alone a child, has a headache, they want somebody to sympathise. "Get a paracetamol" doesn't do it. The poor kid even tried again for concern, pointing to where she hurt.

It doesn't cost anything to offer a bit of TLC. I'd try this with the moaning, too! Can you manage to invest enough effort to go "What's nice about this pizza? I like the salami, how about you?" Sounds as though she's got into the habit of negating everything (does DP do this?) Life really is much nicer when you notice the good bits and, as she's only 14, she might take it up pretty quickly with a bit of a lead from you.

I tried all that AgeingGrace but I guess it came down to the fact that I probably resented having to look after someone ele's child, coupled with the fact the child had constant letters home about behaviour etc, I just found it wasn't for me, it was too much of a hard slog with very little reward, I always thought of myself as easy going, kind, thoughtful but it wasn't until I was in a similar situation that I actually found out I was still all of those things but a martyr wasn't one of them and I constantly felt I was making nothing but sacrifices and excuse after excuse.

Perhaps it's early days for you and it may work out, it does for some, I would certainly give it longer and reasses as you go, we manage to still have a relationship except we live separately, it works and everyone is much happier so there is choices if you end up in the same boat as me.

PS: my daughter also threatened to move out, she was an adult then tho but we were spending our evenings doing nothing but argue about his son, awful isn't it.

Don't get me wrong, it wasn't all one sided, I had to accept I was guilty too.

It is horrid. One of my brothers has this going on atm. There is fault on all sides imo - the DCs, too, though you have to make massive allowances for them as they're emotionally immature and did not choose the family blending. I feel sad for them all, but suspect DB & SIL would both need a personality transplant in order to get it working right.

They're still trying ... I feel for them :(

It is, it didn't help that the child I had was not British so had no English and had also had what I would call a neglected upbringing so there was lots of baggage to deal with also.

I still feel guilty about it all to this day.

I wouldn't want my husband staring at his mobile all day in the house. Communicating by text when in the same house sounds mad. Am glad my bloke's mobile is usually turned off.
I agree she sounds jealous and wonder if you'd be as well living near each other rather than in the same house. 14 year old girls aren't easy.

Sounds like she feels threatened and shut out by your relationship. How's her relationship with her own Mum? She might be coming into this with negative experiences already about mother daughter relationships? Has she been alone with her Dad for a while? Suddenly having 2 extra women around to share him with would certainly be a shock.

Have you been over on the step parenting forum for advice?

She sounds like a typical 14 year old to me, with some underlying issues about her new domestic situation.

You have to give it time.

I agree with those who have said she's jealous. Well perhaps jealous is the wrong word. Scared is probably more appropriate.

I'm guessing she's been daddy's girl all her life and now she has to share him with two other women. One of whom he loves enough to move in with.

The only way you can get past this is to work together with your DP. Both of you need to reassure her that you are not there to take her place. Neither is your daughter.

But at the same time you need to come up with some rules you can both live with. It sounds to me your parenting styles are very different.

Unless you can come together on this then the resentment will grow and grow and ultimately it can & possibly will split you.

I'm beginning to wonder if it really is possible to blend 2 seperate families without one side feeling they are making all the sacrifices.

OP, start looking after yourself and your daughter because when push comes to shove, you really only have each other.

I agree that your stepdaughter sounds quite scared that she will loose her father for a second time, as her parents have split she has been through one trauma, do you give them much time alone together, when you and your dd are not about or are you the sort that has to be joined at the hip as a blended family with teen girls?

have you tried a smack round the back of the head?

Haha, stubbornhubby

imo the dsd needs you both to become very firm,as a team.You decide together what you will and won't accept and set boundaries and consequences.
She will be much happier in the long run and is crying out for help to know where she stands.
She has far too much power and is now destroying all your lives.
Your dp needs to realise this or there is no hope.You cant sort it out alone.
This is why it can backfire imo waiting for ages before moving in.
What a bloody waste of 2 years.