Why is my mother like this?

[Tomatefarcie]

We do not get on. She is vile to me,and always has been, disguised under tons of fake love.

She is the Queen of Gaslighting, always tells me I am far too sensitive,and take her vile comments the wrong way. Or says she never said stuff when I confront her. She is not afraid of lying to cover her tracks and makes me feel like I'm going nuts.

She blatantly favours my brother,but will deny it with passion. She plays the poor mother, victim of an Evil Daughter (me),who's never done anything but love me and want the best for me etc etc.

My Dad is a typical Enabler, she snaps her fingers and he will come running.

Our last phone conversation ended in tears (hers), then my Dad rang me up to say my Mother had taken herself to the gp as she had heart palpitations. He told me not to upset her again.

So I have been wondering why she is like she is. I don't think she had a bad childhood,she was an only child, well looked after, although I believe my grandad was very strict with her. She has never worked a single day in her life,always been kept by my father.They are very well off, always on holiday, have always been ion good health and never had any problem in their whole life.

Both my brother and I have done well for ourselves, we were not troubled teenagers or anything like it.

So she should be over the moon with happiness,shouldn't she? I have asked her why she behaves like this towards me,and she just burst into tears, and said "well,because I am a bad mother",in the most sarcastic tone of voice ever. She then added "and you're perfect,aren't you?".

I keep wondering why she is so vile, what causes someone to be so ..bitter? when they have everything in life. Maybe if I understood it all better,I could maybe adapt my reactions accordingly...

ANy experiences to share?

Couldn't tell you, although it's possible that if you only have her word for what her childhood was like there could have been some hidden horrors; as an only child she wouldn't have had anybody in the same household to compare notes with and may well have accepted some strange things as normal. Or maybe she was just spoiled rotten, used to being the centre of her own little universe, and having to actually work at being a mother was a nasty shock. Plus, some people just aren't maternal, although most will make a decent effort instead of blaming it all on the children.

I suspect you may never know for certain. At least you know now it isn't you, it's her, even though you don't know why it's her.

Try this OP

'She has never worked a single day in her life'

You were brought up by a nanny then?

Some people are nasty. Get over it and don't let it affect you.

Earwicga - really unhelpful and cruel post!

It's fairly cruel to speak of somebody that has brought up two children as 'having never worked' as well.

Just pointing out that perhaps the attitude goes both ways.

I understood the phrase "She has never worked a single day in her life" to mean she never had a job after leaving school. So she could have gone from her parents' home to her own without picking up the valuable lessons of how to get along with people via either the workplace or elsewhere.

Tomatefarcie: She sounds self-centred, and may indeed be a narcissist. The link posted by GettinganIcyGrip might be helpful.

I hope that AttilaTheMeerkat will see this and participate. She is very good at helping people untangle these sorts of relationships, which certainly sound toxic to me.

Tomate

It is not at all easy to break free of the legacy that toxic parents give their offspring.

You do not have to adapt your reactions to suit hers. Its not going to work and won't make you feel any better.

I would also suggest you look at the link posted by Gettingagrip. Would also suggest you look at and post on the " we took you to stately homes" thread on these pages too.

It may well help you as would reading "Toxic Parents" written by Susan Forward. Both your parents will be within those pages; she writes at length about different types of dysfunctional families and how they operate.
All their behaviours, including the heart palpitations, are scripted toxic parents type stuff designed to hurt you.

I think you have partly answered your own question in your initial post as to why she is as she is. Unhappy damaged people like your mother can only help their own selves and she chooses not to. You cannot change her and you should not even begin to attempt doing so.

You did NOT make her this way, her parents and wider relations did that.

What do you want to do re your mother and father; would you now consider going completely no contact with both she and your enabler dad?. He is also to blame too - he has acted out of self preservation and want of a quiet life. He also failed you utterly and still does I might add.

Just want to acknowledge your replies, will reply properly when I get to the laptop (am on phone).

Earwicga, get off your high horse!

What I meant was that she never had to endure work-related stresses,fear of redundancy, looking for a job etc, let alone not being able to pay rent/bills.

Anniegetyourgun, well,apparently it is me. She probably would read that link and say I tick all the boxes,which leaves me puzzled.

I had a quick conversation with my brother earlier,who says that she blames me for exactly the same thing as I do her. ????? How can that be? I ring my parents,I visit them, I invite them here, I do something to celebrate their birthdays, I send them pics of the kids regularly (they live in France), and most importantly,I try to praise her as much as possible. I do not criticize her house, the way she dresses, the way her hair is done, nor her weight. I do not disapprove of every decision she makes in her life. The list is endless.

So how can she blame me for similar things?

My brother was quite cryptic, then said he didn't want to talk about it anymore. Fair enough.

Thanks Hugglymuggly,for your helpful reply.

Attila, if her parents and wider relations made her like that, does it mean she can have made me like that too? I am absolutely petrified of becoming/acting like her towards my 3 DDs. It is something I have been brought up with, ie she has always had these stupid passive-agressive behaviours, in fact she has threatened to commit suicide a few times, leaving for a few hours at a time, leaving us crying with guilt and worry.

I am so scared to have "inherited" some behaviours because of hers towards me.

I am also very prepared to cut contact,in fact reading some posts on MN make me think this will be the only way forward. However, I will miss my Dad badly,and she has such control over him that there is no chance of me and him staying in contact if I break it with her. I stayed a week without ringing at the beginning of the year,and received a torrent of abusive emails from her consequently.

Also, Dp and I are getting married in May, I cant imagine it going right with her there,but then if she doesnt come, my Dad and my Nan wont either.

I have another thread about this, will post a link in a sec.

What a mess! Apparently she is as unhappy as I am (in an email she sent me, she said she was "hoping that [I was] as unhappy as her".

tomate,

This fear is often expressed and is one I have also seen this fear expressed by others on the Stately homes thread on these pages.

You won't become a toxic parent because you can see that your treatment at her hands was and remains wrong.

Would also suggest you block her e-mail address entirely; don't give her the satisfaction of her being able to send you any more e-mails. It is all totally designed to hurt you. You would not put up with such nonsense from a friend, your mother is truly no different in that regard.

You have qualities your mother does not possess namely insight and empathy.

I would not let your Dad entirely off the hook here because he acts as a bystander in all this and failed to protect you and your brother from the very worst of her excesses. People from dysfunctional families end up playing roles, he was bystander. He acted out of self preservation and want of a quiet life so is both selfish and weak.

Your wedding day is about the two of you, not these other people. If your nan and dad do not attend that's their loss and not yours.

You are not responsible for these people at the end of the day.

Cheers Tomatefarcie :)

Thing is, I've realised you can never change mothers like this - I've changed my reactions to my mother (as much as I can) so she doesn't have the power to upset me as much as she used to. It has worked well. Cutting contact wouldn't work for me either as I would lose too many of my family. I tend to think this control thing is down to fear and very low self esteem.

Attila, I hope you're right. I am hoping that the fact that I am aware of the problems will help me prevent them between my DDs and myself. I've also asked Dp to shoot me if I behave like her as a back up measure.

Seriously, my Dad rang up earlier.Apparently my Mum tried to ring me this morning. I was out but caught my Dad's phone call later.He wanted to warn me that she would try to ring again, and to ask me to be nice. ! He even suggested some topics I could talk to her about! He is so under her rule,it's unbelievable.

I did tell him that he was allowed to rebel against her,but he said he gets so much shit from her that he can't be bothered.

I am not looking forward to this phone call. I think she realised she 'd gone too far, and now wants to ring all pally=pally,making me think I'veimagined the whole thing,or took it far too personally...blahblah heard it all before.

Thank you so much for taking the time to reply.

(and I did look for a link to my wedding thread and the horrors she has been saying to me, but can't find it).

oh wow. just posted similar last night. gaslighting! i never knew there was a word for this.... huge hugs, it's a horrible feeling x

RE: Your wedding, I had a huge white wedding with all the trimmings because I was desperate for a happy family day where everyone would be there for me and show how much they loved me and my little family of DH and 2 DD's.
The reality was that could never happen for me no matter what I did.
I bent over backwards accommodating my mothers sisters, spent a bloody fortune so she'd have something to show off about, same with father all his step daughters were invited.
What actually happened was that I provided them with opportunity after opportunity to hurt me, from my mother telling me she wasn't coming wedding dress shopping because that wasn't her thing, to my sister letting me buy a dress that looked like a sack of shit because she didn't want to spend all day looking around shops (thank god I showed DH the dress and he made me buy another one), right through to my father leaving after his pudding because he got a better offer for the evening three days before my wedding.
Run away and have your perfect day with your lovely daughters and close friends, I really wish I had.