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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

pls give me all reasons why parenting together service wont work with abusive/agressive exP

14 replies

cestlavielife · 09/02/2011 11:19

i feel like i have to defend myself constantly -from exP and now from GP who trying to persuade me to attend parenting togther sessions.

i just dont feel this
www.tccr.org.uk/index.php?option=com_content&view=article&id=229:my-ex-partner-and-i-cant-agree-about-contact-what-should-i-do&catid=38:divorce-a-separation-unit&Itemid=81

covers the situation -

controlling exP
agressive exP
significant MH issues including agression (or maybe is not MH at all is just him - but GP thinks agression is part of his cyclical depression)

i tried two v unsucessful mediation sessions in 2010 which left me reeling - he was able to be agressive and bullying til mediator intervened - he now says i refused to attend more than 2 sessions and he is the good guy wanting to share parenting and mediate

contact issues go way beyond "disagreement" -currently no contact as he was violent towards DD...Ss involved.

what i have said is i will attend family group conference organized by SS. which his GP could attend to explain the MH or not issues as well as SW. to explain the conerns for DC in his care.

not confidential "counselling" service with him

there is research out there fom womens aid etc that mediation/counselling is not appropriate for abusive relationships...so why does GP (on his instigation) try to push me to attend this?

www.tccr.org.uk/index.php?option=com_content&view=article&id=61&Itemid=113

why should i even be pushed into going along to assessment session jsut to get across my views when gp fully aware of the background?

aargghggh.

OP posts:
lospollos · 09/02/2011 11:22

he needs to get right on his own before he evn thinks about going near you or your DD if violence is a factor.

your GP sounds like an idiot be very assertive with him tbh I would go higher

Blessings3 · 09/02/2011 11:43

Just say no - don't explain any more, you have no need to keep justifying your self to anyone.

Say you will attend the ss session and that's it - the GP don't want that as it will probably be to honest and too humiliating for them and their son.

Blessings3 · 09/02/2011 11:46

oops sorry thought you ment Grand Parents - same advice though - say no your are under no obligation to him or his GP

Blessings3 · 09/02/2011 11:49

And what I means is don't gather reasons together or try to provide evidence just learn to say No with conviction - amazingly effective for this and lots of situations.

Anniegetyourgun · 09/02/2011 11:51

Mm, since when has it been a doctor's place to push parents into mediation? It's not a medical issue. Methinks this is someone exceeding their remit in a big way. Obviously the mental health bit is his business, but surely it stops there?

Original poster
cestlavielife · 09/02/2011 13:34

yes GP = doctor not grand parent!

exP had sent me email "i've been waiting for you to agree to the -parentng together- for a month now. you will get a letter from your GP. your GP is writing to you to tell you why they think we should go to -parenting together-". (admission he been asking/telling GP to write to me)

had letter from my GP the one i see in the practice - "i was wondering if you had considered the parenting together service, please let me know so I and Dr. x [his doctor] can make the referral"

so it is subtle - but still it feels like presure...

originally i thought staying at same GP practice could help as the GPS could talk to each other - beginning to think is bad move and will change GP...

you right.
i just say "no".

exP will try to hold it against me if it goes back to court, that is for sure, but i can give my reasons then...

OP posts:
NettleTea · 09/02/2011 14:33

does your GP know about the two previous attempts at mediation, and how the mediator had to intervene to stop the agression? I am assuming your GP is up to date on where SS are in regards his violence towards DD? Are they aware that WA dont recommend any kind of joint councilling with abusivve partners. I would be tempted to make an appointment with GP and lay all this on the table. It may be they are just foloowing procedure in asking you, as they have recieved a referral, but you are in a position to get your GP to refuse the referral due to the violence issues, and possibly explain why to your ex's GP.

GypsyMoth · 09/02/2011 14:48

can you only acess this service via a referral then?

i think your ex isnt ever going to give up on this!!

NicknameTaken · 09/02/2011 14:48

what i have said is i will attend family group conference organized by SS. which his GP could attend to explain the MH or not issues as well as SW. to explain the conerns for DC in his care.

This is the right line to take. Whenever your GP mentions the mediation, you need to be clear that this runs counter to the line taken by SS. A GP can't overrule SS and shouldn't be trying.

I don't understand what your GP's agenda is (pressure from your ex, presumably) but you can always look into changing your GP. You shouldn't have to put up with this.

Original poster
cestlavielife · 09/02/2011 15:05

i set everything out to another of the partner GPs on monday morning and handed in a letter today...as i only got the actual letter yesterday. writing the letter has it going round in my head....hence me asking today.

i think too much.
let it mess my head....

setting it out again, i have sat so many times in GP room telling them what has gone on. dont they listen? read my notes?

but there seems to be no liaison SS/ GP - and indeed SS say they cannot "it's patient confidentiality". SS consider no further action needed on the violence as i am protecting the DC by not allowing contact.

so exP and his GP only see or chose to see the "not allowing contact" and think they can use persuasive tactics. it all goes round in circles and is a nitemare. i am waiting for him to take it to court..tho he tries to avoid court/SS/CAFCASS/official if he can help it...i cant afford to spend any more money applying to court...as we have financial (separation) hearings booked for april and june.

yes family group conference would be only way to get everyone talking...

OP posts:
GypsyMoth · 09/02/2011 15:08

a gp once said that my ex's mental health problems could be eased if he were allowed to see his kids.....so they were to be used as little emotional props???? no way,as you know,i fought and won that one!!

NicknameTaken · 09/02/2011 15:13

You don't need to justify your decision to your GP. Good for you for talking to the partner. I think your current GP is being pretty inappropriate.

Original poster
cestlavielife · 09/02/2011 15:53

ILT - i think that line will come out at some point - am ready for it....

OP posts:
mamas12 · 09/02/2011 19:13

This is quite shocking.
GP is so out of order. Bu maybe he doesn't know the results of previous meetings?
I think you need to let all parties know about this attempted manipulative abuse of the health services against you here.

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