Can't work out why I feel uneasy

[horriblefeelingofdejavu]

I wake up and feel shaky, my stomach is churning, I can't explain why or what has started this up, but I recognise the feeling.
4 years ago my H had an affair, we got over it (mostly) and I was just starting to feel quite stable and safe again. Why suddenly am I having these awful feelings?
I have spent today doing a lot of snooping - something I have never done and neglecting work. I dont feel good about it, and I also can't find anything to worry about.
The problem is that I don't really have anywhere to do real snooping - I dont have access to H mobile, he works away from home all week and has a flat near his work (I dont have keys and couldnt get there undetected anyway), there is nothing odd in our bank statements or credit card bills. His company pays his mobile and internet bills, so I can't check those.

I feel utterly devastated that this sick feeling has come out of the blue. BUT after the last time I have vowed to trust my instincts and I think this is my instincts giving me a great big kick. I still can't think of anything though that I can point at to say why.
Sorry to ramble - I guess I am looking for advice on how to 'check up', how to deal with these feelings (I can see they will affect how I behave they are so strong), or maybe this is just a normal sort of regression that everyone goes through?

I have read lots of other posts and my heart is sinking to think that the probability that H has a second affair is really high but at the same time I am absolutely sure that I will not be going through the 'forgiveness' process a second time and I want to be fully prepared for any bombshells that come my way.
I know I sound insane, but that feeling is so unmistakeable.

I think if it is instinct then something arouses that instinct.

You could have had a bad nights sleep that has left you feeling ropey and maybe disturbing dreams, but if you have absolutely no reason to suspect, then I wouldnt go looking for something that isnt there or you will be likely to make something out of nothing just to "prove" to yourself.

Its possible something you saw or read triggered an old memory.

You say you were just starting to feel stable and safe again - might this be the reason for these sudden panicky feelings? Like a self defense action from your subconscious trying to stop you from feeling safe and trusting and (therefore becoming vulnerable to being hurt again)

defence sorry

Yes Bblewrapped - it is possible - I have been reading a lot of MN relationships threads lately!! H is home tonight - I will try to stay calm and not assume guilt, but I can see I will be checking what he does with his phone, etc. Difficult isnt it? Sometimes I think ignorance truly IS bliss!

Your feelings are valid and there for a reason. There could be many reasons for having them, however I'm going to suggest some.

You say you got over the affair - mostly. I wonder whether you discovered the real reasons last time? I wonder whether you settled on an agreement that the affair happened because of problems in your relationship, without addressing the other vulnerabilities that are always present when there is an affair?

It is clear from your post that there are significant lifestyle vulnerabilities present; your H lives away from home most of the time and has a separate flat. Does he still work with people who tolerate infidelity as an occupational hazard? Do his friends and colleagues tolerate or even celebrate secret relationships, as long as a man doesn't get caught?

Only you can tell us whether his individual vulnerability to infidelity remains, but if he didn't do any work on his own attitudes and character faults after discovery last time, that seems likely.

What has your relationship been like in recent times - and can you tell us if you have had any nagging doubts before this morning, but have brushed them off?

As for finding out, your options are limited if you have no access to the usual detection methods.

When you next see him, you could invent a reason for using his phone and then lock yourself in a loo and check it forensically.
You could surprise him at the flat unexpectedly, you could turn up at his workplace and watch his colleagues' reactions towards you or you could talk to him about this face to face.

The latter will only work on its own if you have faith that he will be honest and won't desperately try to cover his tracks thereafter. However, given your story I would ask to see the last year's worth of mobile bills; a perfectly reasonable request given your history and one that he should understand. I can't imagine you would ever blindly trust a denial again.

WWIFN thanks for your reply. Mostly thanks for not saying I am indeed insane!

Four years ago H was working in a different job with lots of travel - the OW worked (still works) for the same company - they met at a joint event. The night it got physical was the night I found out. He is a rubbish liar even over the phone. I didnt really need to do any detective work.

There followed the typical scenario - I have been reading Solost's posts - except in this event H did not leave. I told him he should go and chase his dream, that we had had plenty of good times and had fantastic children and that he would always be their father if not my H. At that time I really wanted him to go as I could see that we would never have the same marriage again and that I would never look at him in the same light again - flawed, weak, disloyal.

He moved out and I got on with things (we had just moved to new country so I had little back up). It was a very unhappy time for me but I made some of the best friends ever and surprised myself with how I could actually cope.

He broke off things with OW, and asked to 'try again'. We never opted for counselling as we dont seem to have trouble talking. We did discuss the 'whys' but H took responsibility for being weak, easily flattered, not talking to me etc and didnt lay blame at my feet. On my part, I was aware that our marriage was in a bad place right then, but my main issue with H was that he had in my eyes rejected our daughter from the day she was born. That made him into a very unloveable person to me and at some point I stopped taking an interest and started putting myself between my daughter and him so that she would never have to realise. After a few years of this (she is now 10) I would probably have made the calls to OW for him if he had asked as I had started to detest him for his continual drip drip criticism of her etc and his refusal to acknowledge any of her triumphs etc.

When the affair was uncovered we dealt with a lot of 'stuff' but never actually dealt with the 'fact' of his rejection of our daughter. This only came after a horrible year when I eventually said that I was choosing to leave him because not only could he not admit his behaviour, but it was damaging our whole family (we have a son too) and basically wearing me out.

The 'confession' eventually came - it was an awful week when all kinds of background things came tumbling out about his mother, our family, pressures of looking after children, etc etc. since then he has been a totally different person, the dynamics of our family life has changed so much for the better, he genuinely has 'found' his daughter and as a family things have been getting better - for about 3 years.

Hence my shock at my own set of feelings now today. We have just arrived in another new country (expats) and perhaps - like another poster said - there are echoes of the past in this situation.

Now that I have got all this written - which I have never done before - I can see that it looks as though I actually never faced up to his affair (more put it to the side to get on with coping). Maybe now that I am not focussed on looking after my daughter, my mind has turned back to it. Do minds do that?!

Have to go now - school run for us here.

I have a confession. If I have been reading threads about cheating in Relationships it can trigger dreams and feelings which make me feel the same way -that DH is messing about. He got drawn into a situation with a friend of mine a few years ago which could be interpreted as an EA although she manipulated both of us at the time.
At times like this I have to face the evidence - that he isn't and that I am letting past insecurity get to me. Maybe your recent move has done this to you?

Maybe you're generally feeling that you are an appendage of your H's. You've recently moved to another country with your children, apparently not for the first time, and because of your H's job too, not something you directed or because of your career. He has his life all arranged for him by the company, with the phone and the flat and the working away. You tag along. Do you feel he could do without you and his life wouldn't change all that much? Has some little thing made you wonder if this is all there is to life and if this is the best that the world of relationships has to offer -- a long ride in the passenger seat?

Maybe you resent the fact that he could do an about turn wrt his own child, whom he treated badly for the first ten years of her life -- do you feel residual anger on behalf of your child? Sometimes when someone changes for the better it's still not enough because there's a part of you wondering why the partner could have been such a moron for so long, and if change was so easy, why couldn't it have happened ages before.

Just some random thoughts.

make that 'a long, bumpy ride in the passenger seat'