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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Stay or go?

42 replies

fairycakesandsprinkles · 08/02/2011 22:43

I have a 3 month old DS and my DH has been emotionally abusive since I fell pregnant but now it is becoming physical too.
I love him so much but he is so different from the man that I married and I am worried what he is going to do next.
I don't want to break up our little family.
Have only been with DH 2 years and I feel like such a fool but when he punches me when I am holding our son surely things have to change?
I posted a thread on here about 10 days ago. Since then it was like he had flicked a switch and changed completely and I was so happy, I thought we could get through it together and it would be ok. We spent time together and went to his parents last weekend where we had a lovely time. He has also been very attentive and caring.
But today we had a row over what I had cooked and it was so silly but it escalated and got worse and worse and he ended up punching me in the face while I was holding DS in my arms.
I rang my friend in tears she has told me to leave but I just don't know where to go, what to do.
Part of me still hopes that when I tell him I am leaving he will wake up and realise he has to change and get help.
Do you think we can get through this if he admits what he is doing is wrong and goes to counselling or anger management?
Or do I get out now?

OP posts:

pickgo · 08/02/2011 23:10

Our local police DV unit have a policy now of removing the perpetrator (your H) not the victim.

Don't be afraid of ringing the police they are there to help in cases like this and have specially trained people. They can also bring in other agencies to help you.

I'm very sorry but you need to act now because if you don't it will just get worse. You need to protect yourself and the baby right now in case he comes back and is violent again.

Ask your friend to come and be with you while you wait for the police to come.

K1t · 08/02/2011 23:13

Please leave him do you really want your son to grow up thinking it is normal to beat women?

Your priority is to your son, to keep him safe as well as yourself. You are no good to him when your DH one day goes too far with the beatings.

Please let us all know how you get on and be brave x

Original poster

fairycakesandsprinkles · 08/02/2011 23:29

Now leaving, have packed enough for a few days and friend is here.
He is still not home.
Not got a clue what will happen but need to get out of here. Will update you if and when I can.

OP posts:

googoomama · 08/02/2011 23:35

All my love fairycakes. You and your baby deserve love and care, not this. I feel so sad for you. Never, ever forget that he punched you when you were holding your baby. That is beyond reprieve. Stay strong and call the police. Let your friend take care of you and your little one. Much love xxx

monkey9237 · 08/02/2011 23:36

Its the best decision OP. You take care and protect yourself and your little one. Dont look back. Take care x

bubblewrapped · 08/02/2011 23:38

You will be fine. Well done for being brave and leaving.

And if anyone asks you why you left be damn sure to tell them the truth. Dont protect him, you have got nothing to be ashamed of.

gettingeasier · 08/02/2011 23:40

fairy sending you strength and hugs , see it through

JustForThisOne · 08/02/2011 23:43

that is a relief to know you and your ds are going to be safe tonight

once you are at your friend house call Women Aid for advice its 24x7 - 0808 2000 247

cestlavielife · 08/02/2011 23:45

glad you going. you still need to report to police. good luck.

coldtits · 08/02/2011 23:45

he could have missed, and hit the baby by accident and fractured his skull and killed him.

Luckily, that didn't happen. He 'just' punched you.

Don't let there be a next time. He hit you while you were holding a baby. Go to your friend's and then CALL THE POLICE.

pickgo · 09/02/2011 00:07

Well done fairy cakes, you're doing the right thing for and your baby.

But please make sure you call the police as soon as you can so they at least have him on their radar in case he tries anything else.

Take care of yourself x

realrabbit · 09/02/2011 10:37

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

waterrat · 09/02/2011 11:02

fairycakes I was worried about you when I read your last post - worried that you wanted to trust this man who sounded so dangerous. I am so glad you have got out - please please don't ever go back to him. Take all help available, friends, family, womens aid. Do not go back- everyone here will support you x

JustForThisOne · 09/02/2011 11:54

Fairy hope you are getting pampered and have called police/women aid
You have done the big first step in the right direction and hope that you feel safe where you are
Get all support you can, and that is available to you
Hope to read some good news from you

Original poster

fairycakesandsprinkles · 13/02/2011 21:22

Update..
Still staying at my friends house, decided against getting police involved as the likelihood is he would get a conditional discharge as never been in trouble before.
Well that and (stupidly you will probably say) I still love him.
He texted and called me dozens of times wednesday and thursday but I didn't answer.
Friday night he called me again and I picked up.
He was in tears telling me he had made the biggest mistake of his life and he didn't know how he could live without me. I told him it wasn't enough after what he has put me and DS through and I didn't want to hear it.
He said sorry and asked me to bring DS to see him so I agreed to go round there yesterday against my better judgement and the advice of my friend.
Sat round there for an hour yesterday talking about DS, letting him hold him and feed him.
Then he asked me to take him back.
As you can imagine the answer was no way. I was worried it might have escalated from there but actually we managed to have a very reasonable civilised discussion.
Apparently he has already made an appointment to see a counsellor and I think he thought that this would have me running back to him
I said good for him, he obviously has some serious issues and I'm glad he is taking steps to sort them out.
I think I surprised myself and him because I expected to crumble but didn't.
He asked if there is any chance of me ever going back to which I said he needs to work on his problems before I can even contemplate it but meanwhile I hope we can get on for the sake of DS and behave like grown ups.
So thats where we are. Where we go from here I have no idea

OP posts:

itsohsoquiet · 13/02/2011 21:47

Its understandable that you still love. No I don't think you are stupid.
It has been a very short amount of time and he is you husband.
But be very careful about telling him there is a possibility of you getting back together when you have no idea if he is capable of changing.
Sadly I fear not

itsohsoquiet · 13/02/2011 21:48

*still love him

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