Feeling very very low today

[OhWesternWind]

Hi everyone

Ex-dp left us very suddenly almost two weeks ago now so it is just me and the two dcs age 8 and 5, who are the only thing keeping me going at the moment. I have been coping pretty well, just getting on with things with the children but today I am feeling very down, very low and tearful. I am so frightened about the future and what it will hold for us. Children have been talking about holidays as we had said we would go for their first holiday abroad this summer, so have had to let them down about that. Don't even know if we will get any sort of holiday. Don't know if we will even keep the house. Don't know if they will be able to carry on with their hobbies and clubs.

It has only been two weeks and already I am so fed up with being on my own with no adult company. Evenings when the children are in bed and weekends are so hard. I do see people when I can and/or phone someone most nights but I feel so lonely and empty. Everyone else seems busy with their own family and lives and I don't want to intrude where I'm not wanted. I am putting a brave face on it most of the time so I can keep going but it is so hard. I can't hold a normal conversation with people because I have all this going on in my head.

Oh, you poor thing, couldn't see this and not post

2 weeks is very, very, very early days

No wonder you feel so lost and bereft

the financial worries can be crippling too

have you taken advice re. any financial help you may be entitled to, if he is no longer resident ?

I am pretty sure you would not be considered a "burden" to family and friends....this is a very rough time for you x

I'm not surprised you're feeling like this.

Let's break it down into manageable chunks. Have you been to see a solicitor yet about the financial arrangements?

Have you told work what's been going on, so they can cut you a bit of slack at the moment?

Is there any workplace counselling available, or financial advice?

With friends, how would you feel about choosing the one you feel closest to and ringing her and saying you need some support at the moment? Most friends will feel flattered at being asked and will be only too happy to help, but a good tip is to ask that friend how much time she can give you right now. Urge her to be honest and take no offence if it's not as much as you're going to need. Most of us have some capacity in our lives though, to help a friend in need.

Next, the holiday. Once you know what the finances are going to be, work out what you can afford. I'm sure that by the summer, you're going to need a holiday and it can be a liberating experience too, knowing that you can do this on your own. Don't under-estimate how looking forward to and planning a holiday might be a great distraction at the moment for you and the DCs and it doesn't have to cost a fortune. I think you'll get more fun out of having a holiday than just the holiday itself, too.

Start writing a journal about how you're feeling. This will help you to process your thoughts and in time, see how far you've come.

Having read your other threads, start to project how much better off you're going to be, now this man has gone. Recall what you were sacrificing for this relationship and what a drain he was. You're free of that now and he's someone else's problem.

I haven't seen your other threads, but WWIFN's practical advice sounds excellent

No wonder you feel low. Its not you -its the situation and everyone feels like ghis. Its so painful(())

Get all the support you can. Concentrate on looking after DCs - try to eat. If you cant eat - try to take soup and drinks. How is your sleep?

If you feel you cant cope please see a doctor and get some help - either counselling- there may be a wait for this or some women find anti depressants helpful. They can help you cope with the terrible pain and sadness.

As someone else said to me just breathe, get through each hour to start.

YOu will get lots of support on here so keep posting.

It doesnt feel like it now but it will get better - slowly -over time

Hi both of you and thanks for replying.

I have spoken to a solicitor and I am seeing my financial advisor tonight to see what my options are re the house/raising more money. Maybe that's one of the things that has triggered my low mood, as I'm feeling a bit of dread about it. I am also having the house valued on Thursday, so by the end of the week I will have a good idea of the financials. So that is all moving on although I am not really looking forward to the outcome

I have told my line manager and friends at work. My manager has referred me to occ health so hopefully I will be able to get some free counselling. Bit of a slow process this being a big organisation with lots of red tape!

I am worried about the holiday as I don't like driving and ex always used to do the driving on holidays. Now I will probably have to tackle motorways and all that as well which I am honestly dreading. God I sound like such a blooming wuss. I think the dcs are really disappointed not to be going abroad and I feel like a right old failure not to be able to sort it out for them.

My closest friend doesn't live locally although I speak to her on the phone a lot. I don't have any family locally either. Although I have quite a few "friends" round here I don't know how good friends they are as I've never had to really ask them for help or major support and I feel really awkward doing so. I am quite very shy underneath and I do find it difficult to do this sort of thing and feel very lacking in confidence at the moment.

I just feel really lonely and sad at the moment. Logically I know we are better off without him in so many ways and I don't think it is actually him per se that I miss, more the idea of him and how he could be when he was being nice, which sounds a bit odd I know. I will have to start up a journall, that's a good idea thanks! I will also do a list of good things about him having gone and see if that cheers me up.

Thanks again for taking the time to reply.

Re. the holiday

Would it work to invite a friend/family member along for some moral support/share the driving ?

I really feel for you - I know it's overwhelming, especially as it happened very suddenly.

The first few weeks are obviously going to be the worst and you've got through the first two.

My h left suddenly mid December and already things are easier - now I've got over the shock. I do feel anti-depressants have made a lot of difference.

has he given you any explanation for leaving?

Sorry I haven't got much advice for you.

Hi Mumfun - you posted whilst I was writing my other reply. Thanks for responding.

I am sleeping fine and my appetite is not too bad either! Takes a lot to put me off my food. The children are really keeping me going at the moment although dd had a big wobble last night and was very upset which I find really difficult to deal with as there is nothing I can say to make it better. She is sleeping in my bed and ds usually ends up in there too at some point during the night. Good job it is a kingsize

Hopefully I will be able to get some counselling through work. I have been referred but there is all sorts of paperwork to get through. I don't actually think I am depressed as such, it is just a response to this awful situation, if you see the difference.

I am worrying a lot about the future and it all seems so empty and difficult and very very lonely.

Hi AnyF - I am thinking of inviting my mum to come on holiday with us (but that brings its own issues . . .) I might speak to her tonight about it and maybe get my sister and her son involved too and have a big family holiday. Don't know if they will be up for it though but I suppose I can only ask.

WhereCanIHide - he hasn't really given any explanation apart from he doesn't love me and wasn't happy and wants to start a new life (!) He would not talk to me at the time and has literally run out of the house when I tried to get him to talk later on. It was a total shock to all of us especially the children. It does not help that he is living the life of riley, treating his mum's house like a hotel and being waited on hand and foot, no bills, no chores. Bit of the old green-eyed monster there I think. I am so sorry something similar happened to you. We were together for 17 years and it is shock to realise how little I knew him after all that time.

I think what you're facing is situational depression, which is perfectly normal under the circumstances and therefore not related to a chemical imbalance. Hence, talking therapy might be better than ADs, but keep an open mind. You might find some herbal remedies helpful at the moment.

You are not a wuss at all. I would hesitate from including your family in a holiday, if that might bring its own problems. This needs to be a break for you too, without any family tension hanging over you. If you don't want to drive, then don't. Take that pressure and dread away from yourself.

Find a holiday where driving is not essential and make it part of the holiday to use the cheap local buses and trains. Most kids of your children's age don't like to spend time in hot cars anyway on holiday . Present it to them as a positive, especially as they probably have memories of your DP's grumpiness while at the wheel!

Continue to allow the kids into your bed and treat it as the 3 of you being a team, all needing support and cuddles from eachother. Don't view this as a negative; it's a perfectly normal response from them. Have you thought about asking them to help you choose some new bed linen, so that it's yours from now on? You might have enormous fun choosing something he'd have hated .

WRT local friends, you might be surprised at what gems you'll find. People become closer when one of them admits vulnerability. Don't be afraid to tell people what's going on and admitting you are finding it hard. I think your DCs' friends' parents might be only too happy to help, just as you would if the situations were reversed. Most people are kind and generous if they are given a chance to be. Take a little risk there.

Thanks for your reply. It is lovely to get support from all of you on here.

It's a good idea about getting some new covers for the bed. We might go really girly (unless ds objects)! I should have some birthday money to spend by the weekend so that could be fun. I must admit I do like having the children in with me, we are a great "triangle" and help each other out, the children just by being there.

I am finding it difficult to support the children though particularly dd who is very angry with ex both for not loving me (which is what he told her) and for leaving home/her. I can't think of anything to say to her apart from keep telling her that there are loads of people that love her, I'll never leave her and trying to find some positives in the situation for her and things to look forward to. But I don't know if this is working as she is having a really hard time and ex doesn't want to know.

I think I am a bit afraid of admitting vulnerability which sounds stupid now I write it here. I have been putting a brave face on, which maybe isn't the best thing. I still haven't cried about all this properly yet although a few tears leak out from time to time. I will try and take some risks and open up to people more.

Thanks again for your support.

My h is going through a massive midlife crisis and wants a new life etc etc - after 21 years it's very hurtful and shocking.

Is he going to contribute to bills etc? It may be galling he is living the life of riley with his mother, but atleast he hasn't got alot of rent etc to pay for...

I really do know how you are feeling.

I imagine my future to be one of loneliness and financial ruin.

Your DD is going to be conflicted though, because your exDP was pretty horrible to her, wasn't he? She certainly might be going through a phase of wondering whether it was her that drove him to leave, especially as it was so sudden. Whereas I know you've got a pretty good idea why he left so suddenly - the usual .

Have you had a word with her school and told them what's going on?

I also think that in this case, when his true reasons become apparent (as they will) it wouldn't be a bad thing for your daughter to know, because this wasn't about her at all - or you for that matter. For now, it might be worth reassuring her that this isn't actually about any of you and you can all hold your heads up high. Keep praising her and telling her how loveable she is - and tell her that you are taking your own advice, because you also know that you are loveable and didn't deserve to be treated like this.

And yes, show your vulnerability. I don't think you'll regret that with some people.

That sounds just like my x. He is 42 now but has been having regular midlife crises every two years since his 30s. I have supported him through all of these, and put so much time and energy and money into helping him in so many ways and I feel like he has just kicked me in the teeth.

I bet it is very much the same for you. I can sympathise so much, it is a horrible place to be in, isn't it, and the future frightens me witless! I am really hoping that time will help heal things and that some positivity will come back into my/our lives before too long.

Whenwill - thank you for your wise words.

I have spoken to dd's school (and ds's too although he is coping very well at the moment). I've tried to reassure her that it's not her fault in any way but of course she can think back to all the arguments and trouble she has had with ex and feels that he doesn't like her. I have not said anything to her about the possible OW as she is so young and also nothing has come out into the open yet. She was great the other night though, she said "It's not our problem, it's his problem" and I felt so proud of her

I don't think I am loveable, though, that's a huge part of the problem. My self-confidence is absolutely shot to pieces.

I will have a think about some friends I can open up to a bit more and see how it goes. It is going to be difficult though as I have always been the one who can cope with everything and am used to supporting other people rather than the other way round.

Oh you are loveable alright. It shines out from your posts . Your only problem was that you "loved not wisely but too well" in that you bailed that man out of more crises than a human being deserved to, including his many previous indiscretions.

Let people prove how much they like and love you now. You don't have to be strong for anyone but your DCs. And keep posting.

I see it shining from your posts too

You sound like a wonderful mum, and someone who deserves love in her life

Take it in spades from your family and friends at the moment. You sound like someone who has given it out in shedloads in the past...you deserve some time to be just you now.

OWW, am reading and feel for you. Do you think you can give yourself permission to just survive, for the moment? When I found out about H's affair, I just collapsed. The DCs did nothing but watch cbeebies for most of Nov/Dec while I cried upstairs! They were fed, changed and sometimes dressed, but that was about it. I felt awful that I couldn't be a proper mum for a bit, but it was not my fault, and mum and other people really stepped in.

And after a few weeks it was much better, I feel stronger every day and we're nearly back to normal, doing lots of activities and getting outside every day. It was such a short time that I hope won't have damaged them at all. It sounds like you are doing amazingly, much better than me, but don't feel like you have to be super-mum. Treat yourself and your children and accept and ask for as much help as you can. Good luck :)

OhWW You do sound lovely and I really feel for you.

As someone who was left alone with 2 young DCs 8 years ago you wonder how you're going to cope. The DCs slept with me in my bed for a while until things moved on. Just do what you need to to get through this.

WWIFN's advice about not driving was good, don't feel under any obligation to do it until you're ready. However, I drove 7 hours to Wales on holiday-the furthest I'd ever driven, as my DP always used to drive. You can do it, just stay in the slow lane and don't feel pressured by anyone else. Unfortunately I hogged the middle lane, at a fairly average speed. My friend found it hilarious that I was completely oblivious to the lorries who were driving right up behind me trying to intimidate me !

This really struck a chord with me :
I just feel really lonely and sad at the moment. Logically I know we are better off without him in so many ways and I don't think it is actually him per se that I miss, more the idea of him and how he could be when he was being nice.

I think sometimes we cling onto a few treasured memories of the person we once knew or to the dreams we once had rather than the reality of the twit involved. Your DD sounds so wise saying "It's not our problem, it's his problem", what else is there to add really ? She's summed it up in one sentence!

You also just need to let people know that you need their help now. If you asked someone in a similar position how they were and they kept saying they were coping fine you'd probably believe them too and leave them to it. If they just looked a bit sad and said that actually they were finding things a bit difficult at the moment, you would probably start thinking of how you could support and help them. So you just need to let people in so that they can help you.

I hope you're feeling a bit better

I second the idea of showing your vulnerability to people. I have always wondered why I didn't have many people I could call my friends, but since H left in August my social life is unrecognisable from the one I had when we were together.

People have been absolutely amazing, and I now have quite a few close, really good friends. When you reveal something quite personal about yourself to people it helps move past that superficial making-small-talk relationship that you tend to have with most people. If you don't give them a little something of yourself, you'll never scratch the surface. Wish I bloody knew this 10 years ago!

Six months on and my life is pretty great. I know you probably don't believe it, but it WILL get better.

Thank you all so much for your lovely posts. You have made me cry (but in a nice way for once). It is wonderful to know that there is so much support on here and it's really helped. Thank you again.

I'm going to really try to open up to some people and see where that takes me. Wish me luck!