Bloody relatives! I could scream

[sweetkitty]

Sorry having a rant about my mother - need advice what would you do?

We had a complete nightmare relocating back to Scotland a few months ago, basically our house sale fell through and because we had already put in an offer for one in Scotland we've had severe financial penalities and bacause of it all we have lost at least 18K we couldn't afford to lose. Anyway DP started his new job in Scotland before we could move so my mum put him up for a month then DD and I moved up and we moved into my Dads flat for 3 1/2 months so were paying the mortgage on on flat, in essence the mortgage x 2 on another, my dads rent and DPs travelling expenses. When we eventually moved into this house it cost us every penny we had and didn't have we have huge credit card bills, we had to buy essential things like a washing machine and fridge etc.

Anyway the point is that I got made redundant and got a nice pay out and said to my mum as a thank you for putting DP up for a month I would buy her new carpets for her living room/hall that she was desperate for (she and her DP are always skint) but moving has completely cleaned us out, all my savings, redundancy and we had to borrow a bit on the credit cards so now we don't have the money to give her until after Christmas, she phoned me yesterday and asked for the money on Sunday when she comes to visit. We don't have this money (I'm also pregnant and due in January and need to find money for a double pram/cot) for the new baby.

I know if I phone her and say you can't have the money till January she's going to get all "well you promised me it" we will give her it but not till after Christmas. I don't get on with her at the best of times either.

What would wise mumsnetters do/say?

[koalabear]

did you tell her when she could have it to start with?
has she already bought the new carpets?

[sweetkitty]

she said she didn't want them to Christmas at least as she had to paint first (this was at the summer)

no she can't afford to buy them herself

[saadia]

Say that you're sorry but you just can't afford it right now because of the financial difficulties that you have listed.

Can't believe that a mother would put this kind of pressure on her own kids. However desperate she is a new carpet is not an essential. I think it is expecting too much that you borrow and pay interest so she can have her new carpet.

[expatinscotland]

If you don't have it, you don't have it. It's honestly that simple.

In the future, don't promise away money. Wait till you have it in hand and then surprise the recipient.

[eefs]

Did you give her a date for the carpets? It's not like you are going back on your word, just delaying it because you have no choice.

she's unfairly making you feel guilty about a nice deed you are doing - and as your mother she should be trying her best to help keep you solvent, not put you more in debt. You need to tell her soon though, and brace yourself for her reaction.

[eefs]

x post - you said christmas, not it's likely to be January, she's expecting the money in October. Think she's being a bit presumptious.

[sweetkitty]

I know I should never had said anything but I wish I had given her the money at the time when I had it. But she didn't want it then as she said she had to wait til she had painted before buying them and not to give her it as she would only spend it.

The thing is we did have it but the house move cost us way more than we ever imagined (they bumped on laods of additional legal fees as well) and to save ourselves from bankruptcy the only way was to use everything we had.

[SoupDragon]

Just be honest with her about not having it til after Christmas. What can she do? If you don't get on with her at the best of times then you don't have a lot to lose and you already know she's going to get huffy so grin and bear it. You can't give her what you haven't got.

[sweetkitty]

I suppose I just wish I had kept my mouth shut and bought her some flowers and chocolates as a thank you.

[seb1]

I would ask her to wait until after xmas but if you feel you have to do something Behar are doing 0% finance (they are at Hillington) I'll do a link

behar

[sweetkitty]

thanks seb and others, feels nice just to have a wee chat and moan about it on MN this morning, of course behar will have nothing she likes anyway!

[QueenVictoria]

I dont think her mother has done anything yet to make SK feel guilty yet eefs. You cant rest the financial woes of an adult child on a parent either IMO, they may be their child but they are a grown up too.

I have to say that if you've already offered it to her, i imagine she would find it hard to swallow that you now cant. In hindsight (such a wonderful thing) you ought to have put the money aside so you didnt spend it either. To promise someone something and then say "well actually...." is a little bit unfair and she will wonder why you didnt just say you didnt have it (yet) when she phoned.

Dont get me wrong, i do sympathise with your financial circumstances completely. However, your mum has been unquestionably generous putting up your DP (whatever your past history which ought to tell you something), and she may be relying on this money as much as you. She seems quite reasonable so I would suggest you talk to her about it on the phone before she turns up on Sunday expectantly. Hopefully she wont object to waiting a bit longer. Let us know how you get on.

[sweetkitty]

hi I spoke to her just now and she it was long pause disappointed but even she admitted there was nothing that could be done.

QV - yes I should have put the money aside but when you are facing bankruptcy every spare penny we had had to go to preventing that. She will still get the money just not right now. I have never asked her for a penny in the past nor any babysitting for DD either. My brother on the other hand comes over and empties her fridge on a regular basis even though he and his girlfriend are working and if he says mum I'm hungry she gives him money for a Chinese.

I have bought her chocolates, alcohol and taken her out for a meal as a part thank you for putting DP up for that month.

[Stilltrue]

I must say that, looking into the future, if any of my by then adult children were to offer me a similarly substantial gift, whether as a "thank you" or not, I would of course be delighted. However if their financial situation then became as tight and stressful as sweetkitty's, I cannot envisage any circumstances whatsoever in which I would then put them under any pressure at all actually to come up with said gift, whether by expressing disappointment, going quiet on the phone, never mind actually asking for the gift on a certain day. Could hardly believe that one!
Or is it just me?

[QueenVictoria]

Glad u got it sorted Sweetkitty.

[ravenfern]

Hi i haven't posted in a while and when i did it was on breastfeeding,but i just saw your post Sweetkitty and all though its not alot of help with your problem i thought i would mention freecycle.
For those who don't know its a site where people give away things they don't want/need any more. Most things are in very good condition and range from baby things to washing machines.
Its all free and there are ones all over the country/world.You just do a web search for freecycle,its a yahoo group you email to join.
If you don't mind second hand then its a great place to look.
Best wishes.