DD found Drugs in Ex's bag

[SebsPrincess]

God do I need some advice, My 11yo DD has been having a very rocky relationship with ex (dad), he seems to have totally lost it, he has never been the dad I hoped but always been around when it suited him. I have let them have a relationship because I never wanted for it to be an issue when she is older, always thought she would make her own choice when she was ready, and now it seems she has. She has been really down and quiet recently and I finally got her to talk last night, turns out she was in the pub with him and he got pretty drunk and attacked his ex GF in front of her just before xmas, my DD is 11 and she got in between them and split the fight up, he made her promise not to tell me what had happened, so the next week she went to stay and he got drunk and started calling me and his ex all the names under the sun, in front of DD and the pub, DD called me and I picked her up, she told me some things but not everything. She refused to see him again until this sunday, I let her go, made sure she had phone credit, all numbers and so on, she text a few times to say all was well and they had been swimming, thought to myself ok, he's not drinking around her she's happy everythings ok. I picked her up last night got 1 min down the road and she handed me a bag of what I think is cocaine! it was in the swimming bag. She is in bits, thinks he's going to die from drugs, we sat up half the night and all sorts came out. He's been smoking weed in front of her, drinking all the time, been violent towards his ex numerous times, then cries and begs DD to understand and not tell me. She's 11. I have tried to tell him what he's doing is wrong and he needs to get help or DD won't see him anymore, I won't make her or encourage it now I know whats been going on. How do I fix my little girl? She is hurting so much and it's breaking my heart

I would stop her seeing him NOW, no more visits for the foreseeable future.

There are too many serious incidents already in the above? I am sorry but no matter how much she wants to see him, she is being put into situations that are well beyond her control, and her safety is at risk.

Cocaine isnt usually in bags, it is in small wraps, so not sure if what she has found is coke, but thats an aside really, it is not going to be anything innocent, thats for sure.

I dont think you should protect her from the truth, and try to be any sort of peacemaker. I think you should let her see how furious you are with him.

She will fix in time, but I truly think that will only happen if she is kept well away from him.

Yes, Dads have rights, but when they abuse their rights in this way, they should forfeit any chance to see their kids.

My gut instinct is to keep her well away, I know he's going to get nasty, but have decided if I am going to fight I will fight for her. she is so amazing she just came and hugged me and told me not to worry, she'd be ok. He can do what he likes to himself but he's not going to hurt her anymore, going to make appointment with a solicitor tomorrow and check rights and so on.

Sorry to hear you and your daughter are so upset.

However if there is any question of him being in possession of drugs or suffering from alcohol dependence, you have to stop any contact at the moment. I work in drug intervention and if he is known to drug services, police or probation your daughter will end up in the middle of a safeguarding case if he's allowed unsupervised contact.

Thinking of you both at this difficult time.

Whats a safeguarding case? I don't think he's been in any trouble with the police, but can't be sure, It wouldn't be a shock to be honest with all the stuff that I have found out this weekend.
I spoke to her teacher briefly this morning, telling her roughly what had gone on, and DD said she spoke to her today.

Part of me wants to take her and run away, I really don't want to be bumping into him in tesco or anything, he's likely to kick off judging from the messages I have been getting, I am not responding to them as I think it will turn into a war.

The violence she is witnessing would actually worry me more than the drugs to be honest.

An 11yr old child should never have to stand in a pub to try and break up a fight between two adults. That is despicable.

Keep her away from him, for her own safety.

I know, bubble, she's so upset by it all. I think she held in all the other stuff because she thought I would go mad at him and he'd start on me, but for her the drugs were the last straw, 11yo shouldn't have to deal with this stuff. The more I think about what he has done to her the more angry I get. I am trying so hard to stay calm and let her talk. Just booked a wknd away at the coast for us both to try and give her some space to think sort it out in her head. She is so worried her dad is a drug addict and is going to die.

FYI, since the teacher knows, the teacher is duty bound to inform the member of staff whose remit is Child Protection, typically a Deputy Head. The school is bound by law to inform social services in a scenario like this. Please don't be afraid. They are in the position to seek help for you and for your dd if you work with them (the school).

I'm not afraid, the school are brilliant, and if social services can help I will be more than grateful. I just want my DD happy. I have told her we will do everything at her pace, I got her to ring the Frank helpline so she could ask questions and get the correct info, I don't want to be giving her the wrong answers to her questions, I spoke to them to and they seem to have helped us both understand a bit more about drugs. The violence is an whole other issue, I can't tell her why he's like he is. I am trying my best to make her feel safe and loved. If the school can help make her feel safe then I am all for them notifying social services. Maybe if they are involved he might realise he's really messed up this time and sort himself out

Yes, foxytocin is right: safeguarding and child protection are the same thing. The teacher will have to make the designated CP person on the staff aware, but I'd echo foxytocin's advice not to be afraid: the agencies are there to help and of course your parenting is not in question.

Sorry: x post there.

Remember that SS are there to help you in a case like this, which means they will be able to help with getting legal authority to keep this fuckwit man away from you and your DD. You will be able to forbid all contact unless and until he is drug-free and you will be able to insist on regular drug tests if he wants contact.
YOu can tell your DD that some people are just badly messed up and can't sort themselves out, that her dad does love her (in his own way he does love her, it's just that his head's up his arse) but he is too messed up to be much use to her at the moment and that none of it is her fault. Or yours, for that matter.

Gosh Sebs, that sounds awful. I totally echo what other posters have said, stop ALL contact. Even, for now, telephone contac. You have no idea what he is likely to say to her on the phone, or the pressure he will put her under. He has caused enough damage that you will have to work to undo.

If you have a court order in place re contact, make an urgent application to vary it.

If there is no court order just stop contact, stop communicating with him if you are scared of him. Text him to tell him that your dd will not be attending contact this weekend (or whenever she usually sees him) and leave it at that for now. Due to his violent behaiour I would phone the (non emergency number) police and log the abusive texts with them, and explain the position re contact and the things your daughter has witnessed. This log is important because if he does turn up at your house, and you have to phone 999 the plice will know about matters and you will have stored the evidence for use in any subsequent court case.

You can always offer contaxt by way of letter for the time being, allow him to write to your daughter (censored by you) and her to him, perhaps even by email. It is importnat that she still has some contact with her dad (provied she wants to) because she will be having very mixed feelings at the moment. I dont think it will be wrong for you to sit her down and explain that you will not be letting her see dad for the minute because of how he has behaved, and that might change in the future, as she is older and can be expected to look after herself, but for now it is just through writing etc - if he takes matters to court for more regular contact, then other people (ie CAFCASS) will make this decision for you in any event and will seek to protect your daughter.

If e continues the harassment of you, or ups the threats, do see a solicitor about getting a non-molestation order (injunction) against him to protect you and your daughter from any further communication from him (breach of that order is a criminal offence and he would be immediately arrested)

Well done though, both you and your daughter sound incredibly brave and grounded people, I'm sure this trait will stand your daughter in great stead in the future when dealing with all of this.

Sorry you said messages and I read that as texts. Whatever they are, I would still suggest you log them with the police