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Original poster

Advice on dp? I feel so torn..

28 replies

fluffy91 · 07/02/2011 15:17

He treats me wonderfully but he doesn't seem to have much compassion for anyone else that isn't connected to me.

Not bothered about charity/helping people in need/animals etc.

I'm a very compassionate person, can't stand cruelty and injustice. I will always help people out and im a big animal lover whilst he really dislikes them.

Am i overreacting here?
Being compassionate and having sympathy for other creatures is so important to me and I feel so torn because he's otherwise so perfect and so nice to me. But what good is being nice to me if isn't kind to others?
:(

OP posts:
Tortington · 07/02/2011 15:26

its not that he isn't kind.

he isn't cruel either

he has different priorities that's all. its a good lesson to learn early on, is that you are allowed to be different , like different things, appreciate diferent things and still loe each other and be happy.

you have to accept difference - you can't assimilate other people and make them into you

good luck

StuffingGoldBrass · 07/02/2011 15:31

There are a lot of good causes in the world. No one can devote time and money to all of them so most people pick the ones that mean the most to them, whether that's kids, the elderly, animals, developing countries or abortion rights.
Few things are more irritating than a self-righteous whinyarse who condemns someone's efforts for charity because the whinyarse thinks that his/her own pet charity is 'more important'.

Original poster
fluffy91 · 07/02/2011 15:32

I don't mind him being different and I wouldn't like to mould him into a little me.

I've just never come across anyone like that, all my friends are the hippy sort like me that like charity, volunteering, rescuing birds with mangled legs etc.

OP posts:
Ephiny · 07/02/2011 15:33

I think you can tell a lot about someone's 'true' character by how they behave towards people they don't need to impress, i.e. people other than their boss or a new/prospective partner. And most of all by how they behave towards the most vulnerable and voiceless like animals.

Have you been together long? Would be sceptical about how long the 'being nice to you' is going to last.

Original poster
fluffy91 · 07/02/2011 15:33

I hope your not calling me the whinyarse Hmm

OP posts:
Original poster
fluffy91 · 07/02/2011 15:34

Just over 6 months Ephiny.

OP posts:
HelenaRose · 07/02/2011 15:42

You say you love animals - do you want pets in the future? What happens when he doesn't want them?

I had an ex who was lovely to me but very short-tempered with others, nasty to shop assistants, etc. I wasn't at all comfortable with his behaviour; it was a contributing factor when I decided to leave.

Original poster
fluffy91 · 07/02/2011 15:47

I want to take in lots of rescue animals.
He knows this and very begrudgingly sort of
accepts it but wants to compromise and have less.

Which brings to me to wonder again, am i overreacting? It is that time of the month after all and i probably am a bit hormonal Wink

Maybe i'm just shocked and finding it difficult to accept because i've never had a partner like that?

He isn't nasty to others, he's very polite in fact.
He just doesn't care which is what 'gets' me because its how i'm used to behaving.

OP posts:
kepler10b · 07/02/2011 17:26

taking in rescue animals and having pets doesn't necessarily mean you love animals more than the next person. many would see the pet trade (and rescue centres and an 'enabling' spinoff) as part of the reason for a lot of animal cruelty.

true love for animals for me means respecting the environment, wanting to keep natural habitats and the natural distance between humans and other species.

Ephiny · 07/02/2011 17:52

There are different but equally valid ways of 'loving animals', sure, but it could be a bit of a problem if the OP wanted to get a pet in the future! Would literally be him or the dog maybe?

For animals like dogs and cats anyway, there is no real 'natural distance' between them and us. They're not wild animals, they've been bred and evolved to live alongside us and don't really have a 'natural habitat'. Whether we should ever have 'created' them in the first place is a different question, of course, but the fact is we did. I do tend to be in favour of non-interference when it comes to wildlife, though even then you have the complicating factor that often the injuries and problems they encounter are caused by us, so maybe we have more responsibility towards them in those cases...

StuffingGoldBrass · 07/02/2011 18:21

Oh bloody hell, wanting a fecking houseful of cats and dogs (probably with behavioural difficulties and all sorts) would make me dump someone.
I don't 'do' pets, and am only really intersted in animals when they are a) frolicking in the wild and improving the view or b) on a plate with spuds and gravy.
This is at least partly because I am allergic to everything with fur.
Being uninterested in animals doesn't make a person bad, or cruel and it certainly doesn't mean that such a person would mistreat or neglect an animal, just that the person has other priorities. FWIW I'd much rather have someone around who is uninterested in charity but kind to friends and family, than the sort of wanker who never shuts up about charity but can never be arsed to do a mate a favour or even sympathise with a friend or relative's upset over, say, being dumped or not getting a promotion but instead goes 'Stop feeling sorry for yourself, think of the Haiti earthquake victims/endangered polar bears/babies with cancer or whatever'

Basically OP I don't know if you're a self-righteous whinyarse or not. If your yardstick for a Good Person is that they have to support the same charities as you and make a lot of noise about it, then maybe you are heading that way.

pickgo · 07/02/2011 18:30

Six months isn't enough time to take his being nice to you at face value. IME we can all keep the 'nice side' presented to a new partner for longer than that.

If he's polite,/kind to random others that's a good indicator. The pet thing is a side issue really - unless you are so devoted to the idea of a house full of animals and he evidently is not, that you can't compromise.

Go with your instincts - isn't that he just doesn't share the same interests, or is it that he's just not an empathetic person? If the later that will eventually 'out' with you and I'd be far more concerned about that than whether he wants to stroke the nearest pussy (every pun intended Grin).

Original poster
fluffy91 · 07/02/2011 18:32

What a sweet, polite and lovely person you are stuffinggoldbrass Hmm

Hardly surprising a lot of people view MN as aggressive and full of bullying.

Would it have killed you to have responded with a bit of sympathy? Or an opposing view bar the aggression and insulting tone?

If you read my post you'd see i never said to support the same charities as me.

What i actually said was he lacks compassion for animals and people not connected to me.

I don't go on and on about charity, i'm constantly helping out and doing favours for people. I never asked him to make a load of noise about charities.

Read the actual post before you respond with incorrect assumptions about me and quit being such a bitch.

OP posts:
StuffingGoldBrass · 07/02/2011 18:44

Well you start out by telling everyone how wonderfully compassionate you and all your hippy mates are to the ickle birdies. It's not actually clear whether your chap is in fact a bully who's only being nice to you because he wants a shag, or whether he's a perfectly OK bloke who's just less of a hippy.

Original poster
fluffy91 · 07/02/2011 18:50

Well you start out by telling everyone how wonderfully compassionate you and all your hippy mates are to the ickle birdies

Obviously, the whole post was about how i'm compassionate and he's not...?
So it would be, and with the rest of what you said, thats why i posted in the first place. For advice.

OP posts:
UnlikelyAmazonian · 07/02/2011 19:05

I wouldn't trust anyone who doesn't like animals. HTH

piratecat · 07/02/2011 19:21

If he lacks empathy maybe he has some form of sn? In his way of dealing with or being actually able to care as you put it.

If it is a big issue for you, then i don't see the point of being with someone who over yrs will surely never change and therefore who you will not have a full relationship.

HHLimbo · 08/02/2011 00:35

I agree with SGB.

Is he nice to people like waiter/esses, people in shops, etc? Thats perhaps a better indicator of if he is a nice person or not.

spidookly · 08/02/2011 00:47

I wouldn't trust anyone who described themselves as compassionate.

Your post basically reads "I'm a really nice person, and so are all my friends, but I'm a little worried that my boyfriend isn't as nice as I am."

I've never met anyone who was sure of their own niceness that had an accurate assessment if it.

e.g. blokes who blame the fact that women won't go near them on what a supposedly nice guy they are.

SunRaysthruClouds · 08/02/2011 10:34

My (blokes) pov is that your (OPs) fluffiness and love for other living creatures appears to be more important than your love for him.
If he knew about this from day 1 and you both disagreed then you shouldn't be together, if your feelings are more important than his.
If he didn't know from day 1 and is just finding out then if I were him I would bale out now anyway.
I suggest you should think about what is actually more important to you, and go that way.

You probably need someone who is happy from the outset to live in a menagerie. I am sure there must be a specialist dating site somewhere.....

Anniegetyourgun · 08/02/2011 11:11

I reckon if you're thinking about being with someone for the long haul it's important to have similar values, or at least be able to respect each other's values. If his lack of interest in other people/animals is not something you're comfortable with - or he does not respect your interest in them - it doesn't mean one of you is necessarily less nice, or the other one is too soppy, it just means there's a compatibility issue. Doesn't mean the relationship is a non-starter but it does mean that when it is weak in some areas it needs to be very strong in others to compensate. As Custardo rightly says, people are different and you can still be happy. The question is which differences would spoil the whole package for you.

Don't worry about SGB, btw. She has a robust way of putting things, but a heart of solid gold, er, brass!

JockTamsonsBairns · 08/02/2011 12:04

OP, I do get where you're coming from - I didn't read your op as you saying he had to support the same things as you. I think it's for you to assess the importance of the differences between you, and whether it constitutes a deal breaker.

My DH sounds similar. He's lovely to me, and to those around him, polite to waiters etc. He just doesn't see the 'bigger picture' as being something that he neccesarily needs to worry himself about. Me, I'm the opposite. I cannot bear poverty and starvation, for example, to the extent that it the injustice of the world can really chew me up. Whilst my DH, I'm sure, would prefer it if poverty didn't exist, he can carry on with his own life without giving it too much of a thought. Sometimes his lack of compassion, as I perceive it, does irk me. But I do envy him in a way, being so unaffected.

We've been together for the best part of 20 years, so its not a deal breaker for me. He's lovely in so many other ways, so I just accept that we're made up differently. And, I'll be the first to admit, my churning up is not achieving a thing in terms of the eradication of global poverty.

Original poster
fluffy91 · 08/02/2011 12:08

'e.g. blokes who blame the fact that women won't go near them on what a supposedly nice guy they are'

I'm not like that at all.
I can sort of see where coming from and how you got that idea but that really, really isn't me.
Men don't stay away from me because i have a reputation like the men your referring to, me and dp are very happy on every other area.
I don't bully him or manipulate him or be mean to him or anything like those men behave to their partners.

I don't love animals more than him and he knows that. He knows I want animals and I love animals. There is a BIG difference between liking and wanting animals and loving them more than a partner.

I never suggested in any of my posts that i was going to leave him or that i didn't like him as much as animals or anything like that.

All I said was he doesn't seem very compassionate to other people and animals and that makes me uncomfortable because I am.

Thanks to all those who gave sensible answers.

OP posts:
Original poster
fluffy91 · 08/02/2011 12:11

JockTamsonsBairns
That is my dp exactly.
Thank you very much
[happy]

OP posts:
Original poster
fluffy91 · 08/02/2011 12:11

Oooops Smile that should have been.

OP posts: