Does anyone else feel like they're being torn between their DH and their mum?

[Capreece]

Been with DH for six years, married for two and my mum seems to have trouble seeing me as a wife with priorities to my own family, rather than just her daughter. I love her dearly, but I feel like I have to lie or make excuses when it comes to a situation where it appears (or I actually am) putting DH first.

I don't want to hurt her, esp as she doesn;t always get huge amounts of support from the rest of my immediate family (sister, dad etc), but I do have commitments to in-laws now as well - they're now my family too.

Anyone else having trouble with these sort of transitions after so long? Make me feel better please.

Nope. Sorry.

You have to be straight with her. No lying. No excuses. You are just extending the situation by pandering to her.

It has been six years, if you had put your foot down and been straight with her right away, she'd now be used to it.

However, since we have yet to invent the time machine there's bog all you can do about that.

But you can stop lying to her.

And you can stop making excuses.

And you can become assertive.

And you can do all this while still being loving and supportive and keeping a place for her in your life.

But you have got to take control.

She won't see you as an independant adult with your own family, different priorities and committments - until that's how you see yourself!

Capreece - Serious point - don't forget to make time for YOU and YOURSELF too in all this! Otherwise you will just get worn down running round looking after everyone else and everything. Put yourself on the priority list too!

I'm not sure how relevant this is, but I had serious health problems in my late teens and had to go back home just at the point most people are starting their own life for the first time. She was my carer, essentially. I guess we developed a different sort of relationship - there was never a point where I could pull away like my sister did and now I don't know how to without really hurting her, which I don't want to do.

All very well to say don't make excuses, but it's not that easy in the moment.

londonartemis - thanks for that thought, but my mum actually tries to look after me - even when she comes to my house she ends up trying to do the washing up or make me cups of tea, which does my head in and it's very difficult to stop her w/o getting snappy.

All this makes her sound awful, doesn't it? She isn't, she's lovely and I want to maintain my close relationship with her, but I need to be able to say 'no' without her getting hurt and upset and I think that's her issue more than mine, but hell - I have a healthy (unhealthy?) dose of guilt about 'letting people down' etc and feel it's my fault.