Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Flip

Original poster

Please can someone help me I cant deal with this anymore.

25 replies

Confusedanddesperate · 07/02/2011 10:14

I am bipolar about a year ago I went manic. During this episode I clung to my best friend of about 5 years he has known me since I was 17. He also knows that when I go manic I hear voices telling me to sleep with people that I dont want to sleep with, he knows when I was 13 I slept with a 23 year old man who my close friend had attempted to have charged with rape. She withdrew the allegation and I had my first manic episode I heard a voice telling me that I was a angel and if I slept with him he would be punished, so I did. My friend was very angry and understandably never spoke to me again.

I had a partner just before I met my friend who would rape and abuse me, so when my friend met me I was pretty messed up.

Fast forward I have a wonderful partner and two children my partner was the only person I had slept with since my ex partner. When I went manic my friend kept telling me that I should listen to the voices, and that I wasnt cheating because when I slept with someone while manic it wasnt for sex but to punish bad people so it was ok to do this.

I ended up sleeping with him, now a year on and I still have flashes and I vomit when I do. I scrub the areas he touched till they bleed, I cant speak to him if I bump into him I feel frightened and I start shaking and having difficulty breathing and I flinch away, When I get these flashes of him touching me I start to have a panic attack, vomit and cry. Why do I feel this way? I need to know because the way I feel is so hard to deal with and I just want to end my life sometimes so I dont have to live through another uncontrolable flash back intruding my mind. I just cant take this what is wrong with me, and why did he keep telling me it was ok he knew it was wrong and normally I would not have slept with him.

My partner makes things harder because he will not blame me and just holds me while I vomit and shake and cry he sais anyone who sleeps with a woman who is screaming at voices to shut up is a bastard and he refuses to blame me or shout at me or get angry, I could feel less guilty if he did.

I have felt this way before and that is why I am so confused, please help me I know after what I have done I dont deserve your help, but I am not being a good mum while all this is going through my head and I am hurting my partner by my inability to move on.

OP posts:

bubblewrapped · 07/02/2011 10:18

You dont mention a doctor at all in this. Do you have anyone qualified who is helping you at all?

Thingumy · 07/02/2011 10:20

I think you need some professional help to deal with these flashbacks and guilt.

Are you having any therapy?

You partner sounds a wonderful support for you.

loopylou6 · 07/02/2011 10:22

Oh you poor love :( your dp is right, its not your fault You feel so bad about your twat 'friend' because deep down you know that he preyed on you, he took full advantage of your illness and he abused you. You keep bad because you trusted him, its not a bad thing to trust someone, it is bad when your trust is abused. Are you on meds?

Original poster

Confusedanddesperate · 07/02/2011 10:22

I have a consultant pysciatrist, I am seeing him next on the 14th.

OP posts:

loopylou6 · 07/02/2011 10:23

feel not keep.

Sarsaparilllla · 07/02/2011 10:27

Your partner sounds very supportive which is great.

He's totally right, it's not your fault and your 'friend' is indeed a complete bastard for taking advantage of you when you were ill. Please don't blame yourself, you've done nothing wrong at all.

Are you on any meds at the moment, do you feel they are helping you?

Original poster

Confusedanddesperate · 07/02/2011 10:28

I feel like my friend just pretended to be my friend and got close to me only so he could sleep with the manic girl. Like I was some acomplishment, something a bit different, and I hate myself for having this illness that makes me so weak and easy to take advantage off. When normal I am such a strong person, and then I beome so weak.

OP posts:

VeggieReggie · 07/02/2011 10:30

Poor you, you are in a horrible situation, and none of it is your fault.

None of us are going to be able to offer expert help on here, but keep talking, because you are a human being, like everyone else, not the monster, outcast and freak you seem to cast yourself as.

Why do you feel like this? Because you have been used and abused when you were very vulnerable. As well as your mental health problems, that kind of treatment will undermine your sense of self-woh and give you emotional and psychological problems.

AS well as the mental health support you receive from your psychitrist, it may help to alos look at psychotherapy support to help you with these other issues - which are not actually about mentahealth - many many women would be affected like that by such horrible experiences.

Please be kind to yourself. You have found a wonderful DH, he loves you, and with good reason - you are a good person.

Love and strength to you, and I hope your psychiatrist can help - ask about psychotherapy to deal with the rape and abuse.

Original poster

Confusedanddesperate · 07/02/2011 10:30

I am reciving treatment and I feel it is helping, I have no other friends though because I was always scared who I let in in case they hurt me.

OP posts:

Original poster

Confusedanddesperate · 07/02/2011 10:36

VeggieReggie You are right I dont really talk about this because this is not part of my illness because this is how I feel when normal, I had therapy after my ex partner I think maybe I need to go back.

This inident has put me right back to how I felt then and that is confusing for me. Thanks all it helps just to get this out as I dont like to speak about it to my partner because it hurts him.

OP posts:

VeggieReggie · 07/02/2011 11:50

I can understand your dilemma re talking to your partner, and also difficulty with trusting friends, after being let down badly by two people you should have been able to trust.

Do you have any female friends?

Original poster

Confusedanddesperate · 07/02/2011 12:13

No I dont have female friends, after I came out and said about my ex raping and abusing me some of my female friends said that it was because of the way I act and dress when manic, after that I cut myself off my current partner and that friend were the first people I had let in.

I am also concerned about my partner because he blames himself. He said he should have protected me when I was weak and got me sectioned but he was scared that I would be hurt and angry if he did that. I have said he is wrong and none of this is his fault, that this was the first time he had dealt with me being manic and he handled it brilliantly but he wont listen .

OP posts:

jesuswhatnext · 07/02/2011 12:48

you poor little love!!

there are some wicked people in this world and unfortuantly one of them found and used and abused you - IT WAS NOT YOUR FAULT!!

you plainly need professional help, in fact, both you and your dp need expert help - your dp sounds a lovley kind man, talk to him!, he may be in a better position than you are right now to find the help you both need!

my love, you are poorly, not mad, or wicked, just poorly!

humanheart · 07/02/2011 12:48

I'm so sorry you're having such a difficult and painful time confused. Your partner sounds wonderful - I think he may need some professional support too. are there some bipolar support groups you can (both?) access? you wouldn't be the first to get involved in things whilst manic that appal you afterwards - it's good to be with people who understand and don't judge, know what it's like. go easy on yourself eh confused (hug)

VeggieReggie · 07/02/2011 12:53

In truth, it sounds as if professional help will be the most effective help, and that friends are best kept for more humdrum aspects of our lives.

Original poster

Confusedanddesperate · 07/02/2011 13:12

Thanks all I think I will seek some therapy for this because I am strugeling.

I am also going to suggest to DP that perhaps we can find some support for him there must be some available considering how hard it can be for a partner. I will ask my mum my family are good at this sort of thing as my uncle is scizophrenic and they are used to helping him.

Looking up some group meetings sounds good and I would not need to fear judgement or lack of understanding. MIND also run coffee mornings by me, and drop ins I have been to one or two but I stopped going I might start again there and ask DP to come with me.

OP posts:

VeggieReggie · 07/02/2011 21:00

That does sound like a good idea, it's easy to lose all perspective and get worse if you don't see other people struggling with similiar things. Thnose gorups would give you a good support network.

It's really good that you recognise that you are struggling and need help, too, and helping yourself to find it.

Keep posting on MN on different threads to remind yourself all the ways that you are a normal woman with plenty of usual things to chat about, too.

Original poster

Confusedanddesperate · 08/02/2011 09:06

Thank you I will keep posting

OP posts:

EricNorthmansMistress · 08/02/2011 11:50

:( Poor poor you. Maybe this word is too strong for you to accept but I think this man raped you. It was not your fault. I hope you get the support you need, your DP sounds like a diamond. Take care of yourself.

ItsGraceAgain · 08/02/2011 12:38

No, that man is not your friend. He abused your vulnerability - in fact, what he did was worse than that. He worked to make you even more vulnerable for his abuse

I'm so happy your partner gets you and supports you. When you see the shrink, please ask for a therapy referral. You're not bad, you didn't do wrong, and you will benefit from some proper help in understanding this.
Hugs :)

SenoritaViva · 08/02/2011 12:41

Poor you, your partner sounds lovely and I am glad you are together. I do hope this can resolve itself and you can forgive yourself, it was NOT your fault.

ChickensHaveNoEyebrows · 08/02/2011 12:43

This 'friend' is a complete arsehole . I am so sorry that you are having to deal with the legacy of his criminal behaviour. Not sure how you feel, but have you considered reporting this to the police?

livinginazoo · 08/02/2011 13:43

You do realise that what your 'friend' did was rape?

coldtits · 08/02/2011 13:45

a) you were raped
b) you were raped
c) you were raped.

That really is all there is to it. You are not to blame, and your husband is right to tell you this.

Original poster

Confusedanddesperate · 08/02/2011 13:58

Thanks again for all replies.

Ericnorthernsmisstress while the word is strong it is one that has confused me while manic I gave myself willingly, but since my episode ended I have been left with feelings similar to when my ex partner raped me, I have been confused as to whether I feel that way because the event evoked similar feelings or if the event brought back my old feelings from the abuse I previously experienced.

ChickensHaveNoEyebrows, I have not considered it until I read your comment, however I have no proof he did this and it would be my word against his. Secondly a jury picking over my manic behaviour I feel would be unlikely to understand my illness and find many flaws with my behaviour. Thirdly I have pychotic symtoms and that includes visual hallucinations of a rape nature (thanks to my ex) so my word alone would be unreliable. It would not even make it to court.

My partner is indeed fantastic I have been on bipolar partner forums and the pure hatred and lack of understanding many of them feel is overwhelming, my partner has accepted my illness and always been supportive, he has also read up on it to understand, he is brilliant and I am very lucky to have him

OP posts:

Flip