What to tell young children when you've split up

[Feelingthepressure]

This is not for me but a friend of mine: She was living with her partner who has 2 young children 5 and 7 (she's not the mother, the mother died) but they've now split up (his choice not hers, she still loves him but she's had to leave the family home and they will not be getting back together). She is so distressd as she loves the children as if they were her own. She wants to see the children, the father wants her to see them too. The question is what should she tell the children? They keep asking their dad where she is, when is she coming home etc but he hasn't told them anything yet. She doesn't want the blame for the break up and she doesn't want to say their daddy doesn't love her anymore as they might think they shouldn't love her either as they'd want to be loyal to their daddy. What do you say to children in this situation?

Please - can anyone help? My friend needs to talk to her ex partner on the telephone this afternoon and they want to agree on what to tell the children but she's beside herself, she doesn't know what to do/say.

It must be really hard :( Most important thing is to reassure the children that both adults still love them. It's also good to emphasise that it was a grown-up issue, that sometimes grown ups don't get on together and make each other sad, and that it's better to be happy and live apart than be sad together. I don't think saying that they fell out of love is a bad thing. I know she doesn't want the "blame" but maybe try to keep it neutral, not blame anybody, and just present it as something which happens, but is okay.

Hopefully it's an amicable break up (as much as can be?) - the children need lots of reassurance the other parent/adult still loves them and they are still able to see her, talk about her etc. I expect it will be harder on them having lost their mum already :( but they may well have experience of friends' parents being separated or divorced etc.

some ideas on relate site

www.resolution.org.uk/site_content_files/files/separation_and_divorce_helping_parents_to_help_children_2.pdf

www.relate.org.uk/common-problem-details/237/index.html

www.partnershipforchildren.org.uk/resources/my-child-is-worried-about/divorce-separation/how-to-help-children-adapt.html

american site
www.helpguide.org/mental/children_divorce.htm

Thank you for your replies.