Is my DH just being a knob or is he acting like this due to stress/depression/something else? Help please!

[mum295]

(Sorry, long!)

I want to say first of all that DH is normally lovely, and is outwardly very easy-going and cheerful. But he can be quite grumpy, tends to bring work stress home, and it's me that bears the brunt of it.

He is NEVER violent, just grumpy and sometimes angry (not directed at me/DD). He is just the kind of person who externalises his feelings rather than bottling up (which I do). He is also the kind of person who blames others for things going wrong and rarely holds his hands up and says "I'm sorry, that was my fault". He is also not very perceptive of others' feelings and tends to think the worst of people.

Every 4-6 months it seems to bubble up and he 'snaps' saying nasty things and trying to goad me into having a major row. I'm trying to work out whether he's just being a bit of a grumpy old sod/knob or whether this is a sign of something more worrying related to work stress or depression or something else.

For background info, he works very long hours in a well-paid but highly-stressful environment. He moved to his current job out of his choice as he found his old job too boring. He also has a commute either end.

I am a SAHM by default, having been made redundant a while ago. I am currently pregnant with DC2 and have had worse morning sickness and tiredness than with DD. Before getting pregnant I was diagnosed anaemic (and was exhausted) also DD didn't sleep through the night for almost a whole year, and I was the one getting up with her so that DH could sleep, even at weekends. I don't particularly enjoy being a SAHM and will be returning to work once DC2 is old enough. I don't like relying on DH for money as I know it puts undue pressure on him. We decided I would take a career break to sort out our new house and have another baby.

DH comes home from work most nights around 9pm and has a big moan about his work, rarely asking how I am, although he does ask about DD. He is a great Dad. At weekends he is exhausted, sleeps loads (he has always needed his sleep), and always "needs" to work, checking his Blackberry constantly. We probably get a few hours from him at most, and even then I'd say his mind is elsewhere.

(Before anyone says it, he's not having an affair - he really is too knackered!)

He's been ill for the past couple of weeks with a cough/cold but has refused to get medical help from GP/walk-in centre and both past weekends have been all-but wiped out as a result. To be fair, I haven't shown him much sympathy because he refused to go to the GP and get antibiotics when he clearly had a chest infection, so I basically told him he only had himself to blame. I have told him that as I am looking after the house, DD, myself, (and am feeling lousy due to pregnancy), I just don't have the energy to look after him too at the moment.

Anyway, he snapped at me at the weekend, saying some nasty things about how he should just pay his salary into our account and get a flat by his office for during the week (he pretty much is just a weekend dad). He also kept goading me saying that I'd been biting his head off every time he opened his mouth, and (as on previous occasions) keeps saying "you need to tell me what's REALLY wrong/on your mind" as if I'm the one with the problem, like I'm going to tell him I want to split up or something (I don't!).

I realise that I probably have said some things that have riled him, and am part of the problem, but I have tried to be more careful about what I've said, treading on eggshells, so I really do think that some of it is in his head, or he is hearing what he wants to hear. Also, if he says something inflammatory/critical to me, I don't see why I shouldn't be able to explain myself in response, but if I do so he bites my head off.

I really hate it when he's like this and I try to just walk away from it/brush it off. Most of the time he's lovely and as I said, is a fab Dad. We were together for several years before starting a family, and our children have been very much planned and wanted (took us a while to conceive). I think part of the problem is that he was the centre of my world until DD was born, and has been pushed to one side, and it's been worse for the past year with me being tired/ill.

But I can't work out if he's being a self-pitying idiot or if this is something more serious relating to work stress or depression, for which he should be seeking help.

I would appreciate your thoughts, although I should make it clear that I am not going to leave him, he's not being abusive or having an affair, so any advice of that kind will be ignored!

Okay, thanks for all your comments but really, it's not what I'd call "abuse" (that's not what I meant by "something else", I really meant exhaustion), he is a lovely guy most of the time. I am certainly no doormat and if I perceive any danger to myself or DCs will be out of here like a shot.

As for "nasty aggressive pig", thank you for your interest in my thread, but he's my DH, you don't even know him, and he really is nothing like that.

I suppose what these types of comments have helped me to conclude is that my DH isn't all that bad compared to some of the stories I read on MN, and I do now feel really sorry for him and want to help him with whatever's going on.

I'm also going to think twice before posting any more threads on MN.

Sorry, that last sentence was unnecessary.

I've actually found the information given by you guys on depression to be very very useful, so thank you for that.

I'm not saying 'abuse'. He may not be that bad compared to others. I personally don't use other people's abusive relationships as a measure of my own, but whatever...

I just read your post and saw - from what you said - a woman who is tired, anaemic, stalling her career to do up a new house and bring up two young children, and has a 'grumpy' DH who doesn't seem to be treating her that well. if I got that wrong, I apologise.

Working for a living - working really hard, even - isn't an excuse to be rude or offhand with your partner on a regular basis.

Has he been diagnosed with depression? It might explain but still would not excuse some of his behaviour. I'm sure it would help to have a diagnosis to blame for his grumpiness.

But if he doesn't have depression and is still snapping at you/biting your head off/saying nasty things/making out that everything is your problem/not helping you when you're ill despite you looking after him when he needs you/etc. and you have nothing to blame this behaviour on, what would you call it?

I don't see in what way you can describe someone who treats you like that as lovely at all - even if he's nice some of the time. And why were you the one getting up every night so he could sleep when you were anaemic and exhausted?

Mum295 - what a situation! You're married to a workaholic, who vents all his emotions about work on you, who is grumpy and tired and stressed, who directs his attention not on you but on his Blackberry etc, who sleeps in the weekends because he's tired. He's very self-centered (perhaps unintentionally so). Doesn't seem at all interested in your feelings and what you've been up to.

I have no advice (sorry), but I am exhausted and sad on your behalf. A horrible situation for you to be in.

And I agree with BeeBox - working really really hard is not an excuse for your DH's behaviour. Many of us on MN work extremely hard/long hours and are married to spouses who do the same but do not behave in the ways your DH does.

It may be depression, it may be stress, it may even be an affiar, but I suspect your DH had simply begun to take you forgranted.

See I don't get this at all.

I have had depression for years and years. I have NEVER taken it out on anyone, only myself.

Is depression different in men then?

I work all the hours, have done for years, every day, few breaks, as am self-employed and if I don't work I don't eat.

I may get a bit grumpy sometimes when I am really tired, but the only person who suffers from my depression is ME. It's like lugging a concrete block around with me.

If an adult is so stubborn as to not go to the doc's when they are ill, and to not help their pregnant and tired wife out a bit, well that's not depression.

And it's not the wife's (or general partner/ husband etc) job to take all the responsibility on themselves to make everything hunky-dory in the relationship.

Of course one looks after one's partner if they are ill, but that works two ways. And it sounds all very one way in this OP's posts.

Yes, depression is very different in men.

From a report (Delivering Male) published by Mind recently,

"Men self stigmatise and many are embarrassed to admit to themselves or others that they have a mental health problem.
This makes it much harder for them to ask for help for example from their GP or friends and family.
Men often don?t display the traditional symptoms of depression (sleepless nights, crying, feeling low) and are more likely to ?act out? (taking drugs, drinking, being aggressive) which means their problems can be overlooked or misdiagnosed."

A depressed person is not stubborn, they often don't realise that they are ill, and even when they do there is such a stigma attached that they don't want to reach out for help. Not to mention they have little motivation or physical energy, they are just not able to do things. That in itself does not make them bad people.

But, that is not to say that the OP should feel obligated to put up with this behaviour, but she just wanted to understand whether his unusual grumpy behaviour could be caused by something other than a midlife crisis and how she could help. And she can by encouraging him to go to his GP and getting a diagnosis, so she can make an informed decision on what to do next.

Just picking up on gettingagrip's comments: I used to suffer from regular bouts of depression and I would take it out on my partner. I would be unhappy for weeks/months and then fabricate a reason for a row and everything would blow up.

It wasn't intentional (although I can see it exactly for what it was now, after lots of therapy), but it was my way of creating a release for all the negative thoughts and feelings I'd had for months.

So depression can manifest itself in this way. THat said, the OP's husband does sound a little on the bullying side - she really shouldn't have to modify her behaviour (i.e. walking on eggshells) because he is incapable of sorting himself out. And, OP, that's a very dangerous lesson for your DC to learn: that it is up to them/you to make other people happy, when in fact we are all only responsible for our own happiness. That's what's most worrying about this for me, the fact that it is you that is changing behaviour/not expressing how you feel/putting up with this bullying and bad behaviour, when in fact your DH should be taking responsibility for how he feels and sorting it out.

His state of mind is not actually down to you. This is a lesson I learned - and have since taken that responsibility, had therapy and started the long, hard road towards beating my depression. I am also ashamed now of how I used to take out my depression on my DP - it is unacceptable behaviour, no matter how shitty I feel/felt. I don't do it any more.

Sorry, a bit rambling: I have much sympathy and I hope he seeks help soon.

Oh, and OP: I don't doubt your DH is a lovely man and I'm not sure this is abuse, either. But you need to set some boundaries so that he understands his behaviour isn't normal or acceptable - it may well shock him into seeking help (as it did me). If he is like me, he probably isn't aware of his actions, or the long-term damage he is inflicting. FWIW, my 1st marriage failed as a direct result of my depression. I subsequently sought help and am now married again, with a fantastic and very different relationship. But I will always regret the fact that I didn't get help earlier, and thus have saved my first marriage.

Hi All,

Sorry for leaving this thread for so long, have been spending some needed time away from MN in the real world and am actually feeling much happier for it!

On Monday night after posting on here, I decided I couldn't wait until Tuesday to talk to DH about it, so (knowing he was still at work) I emailed him a link to one of the online depression tests and asked him to take a look.

To my surprise, he did so immediately, didn't scoff at it, and then called me to talk about it.

He scored mild-moderate on the depression scale, was surprised about how high he'd scored (and actually went back to it again the next day). The good things that came from our chat were that he has no suicidal or self-harm thoughts whatsoever. He recognised his recent behaviour as unacceptable and apologised.

We talked both on Monday night and last night (face-to-face) about what's going on to make him feel and act the way he is, and what's emerged is that it's a combination of work stress and health issues, which have been exacerbated more recently by catching a cold/cough which won't go away.

We've realised that one of his main coping mechanisms for work stress in the past has been sport/running/physical activity and due to his health issues he hasn't been able to do any of those things for six months or so, which tallies in with his behaviour. He's also had physical symptoms of stress with bad eczema, which we've seen happen before. The cough/cold left him sleepless and unable to even do mild exercise. And coincided with a particularly nasty couple of weeks at work.

I already feel that we've made a big jump forward in understanding each other better. FWIW, I took the depression test myself and barely registered any points on it. It helps that DD has been sleeping better recently, the iron levels are coming good and the morning sickness (don't want to jinx it, but...) seems to be easing off this week. I have also been making a concerted effort to be nicer to DH, which has made me feel better about myself.

So, what next? Well, DH already seems like a load has been lifted off his shoulders by the talks we've had. He's been busy booking me a surprise (am thinking it's a spa day) and I, by coincidence, have been planning a little surprise for him. We've talked about the need for more family time at weekends (which he said in a very heartfelt way he wants) and we're going to give it a few weeks to see how we go.

I'm going to make a note in my calendar to remind myself to think about this again in a few weeks, and then again after that, and if things are bad again, then I will be pushing him to see the GP.

And yes, I do plan on spending less time on MN in the coming weeks (or trying hard to do so). I came back on here six weeks ago to chat to people about pregnancy-related issues (as I was in first trimester and unable to talk to friends IRL) and have been sucked in to spending too much time on here, neglecting my lovely family in the process, so will be making a concerted effort to kick the habit!

So, I want to sign off on this thread on a positive note. Thanks to the advice of some of you on here I've learned that my DH might be suffering from depression, and he now realises that too, and we both know the symptoms to look for. We know for sure that he is suffering from work stress, and we've recognised some of the key reasons why, and the likely triggers. And in the past 48 hours we have regrouped as a family "team".

Thanks for listening - sorry this was so long.

Bye for now.

Very nice reply. Thank you. Good luck - hope things work out well for all of you & your coming baby :)

You sound really positive, I am so pleased for you. Good luck!