Is my life my own business,or everyone's?

[piranhamorgana]

Pleased help me gain some perspective on this.Particularly if you have a healthy relationship with your parents.

I have toxic parents.I am moving house,relocating,with my 5 dc link here to details

One of the benefits will be the distance from my parents,who will be unable to visit without complicated arrangements first - no turning up unannounced,too far for a days journey and they don't do overnight stays with anyone.

(My dc don't want to lose contact with their g'p's)

My brothers and their families live near my p's and refuse to speak to me - I am the scapegoat,they share my p's view that the only problem in our family is me.My mother (narcissist) has most of the family "on her side",believing she is sweet and harmless,and that I have caused her endless grief.

She has spoken to dd 3,8yrs,over the phone and has found out the town we are hoping to go to.I know this because I have started getting emails from distant family and friends telling me I am making a huge mistake,that I am disrupting the lives of my dc,that my m is heartbroken and haven't I caused enough worry for my p's (I am 42 !!!!!)

Question - How do I respond to emails/phone calls from these (well meaning) people who see it as appropriate to act on information about my life that I have not chosen to share with them?
I genuinely like and care for some of them,but they do not see my m as I do.

I do not want our new address - or indeed any more of my life details "shared" with anyone,without my consent.My mother denies she does this,or says she has a right to discuss her feelings and/or news about her chidrens life with whoever she chooses.

Stop phone contact til you are there and settled. Not much anyone can do then

I'd be tempted to ignore all relatives

"I have started getting emails from distant family and friends telling me I am making a huge mistake"

Do what politicians do: don't answer the question asked, but the question they wish that you had asked.
Send back a lovely e-mail thanking them for their support and best wishes. Include a bit of blurb about why the move is such a fab idea (because they will have heard a skewed version of events)

Is our new address public information?
My brothers send cards and presents to my dc,(although not to me,or to dc5 who they wont acknowledge)I have tried to build bridges with my b's but they have made it clear they are not interested. They do not acknowledge letters,emails,texts from me.

They will be waiting for my m to give them our new address so they can continue this.

Am I wrong to resent this,and to want to tell my m not to pass my address on to anyone?

She will see it as her right to do as she wishes.They all see it as their right to have a relationship with my elder dc that excludes me. They will say it's the dc's address they want,not mine.

Your DC might want to continue a relationship with their GP, but are you sure it is in their best interests? It's not just your mother - nice/normal/healthy people do not try to stop people moving house and do not try and punish people through their children. It sounds to me like the best thing would be to cut ties completely. If you want to see your mother/your DC to see them, visit your home town. If you block email addresses, phone numbers and texts you won't have to listen to their opinions. Who cares what they think?

You can't stop your mother giving out your address if you have let her have it. In fact, asking her not to gives her more power.

Re the cards/presents etc, is there any way you can return these unopened? I just would not stand for someone refusing to acknowledge one of my DC. It is so damaging for ALL of them.

Have you already given your mother your new address? If not, don't. Can you set up a PO Box so that they can write to your DCs without having to know where you live, as a compromise?

what senua said
I would also say that nothing is definite as yet
Than get a PO box and give anybody who wants to send gifts/card that address

How is the sale on your beautiful house going?

I wouldn't give her your address.

Why do you want your children to have a relationship with her when she behaves so badly towards you. What they will learn from her is that it's OK to belittle you, disrespect you etc. Stand up for yourself, they are your children. Especially if they ignore one of them.

Start a new life, send them a card at Christmas, maybe answer emails. Make sure you're ex directory.

Thank you so much for validating all this.I really have no experience of normal family behaviour,and my p's truly believe they are normal,as do all the other family members.

I have just had a phone call from my Uncle in Australia asking what on earth is going on and "Pointing out" all the "obvious mistakes" in my plans.I politely pointed out that he must be reflecting my m's opinion,since he has no idea what is going on in my life.He continued to express the same views,as if they were his,claiming he "couldn't understand me at all".

No one has our address yet - we haven't sold or bought,it is all up in the air.

The Fastmovers are hopeful of a deal on my house this week.The house I want have accepted my offer pending my being able to proceed within 3 weeks.

The family are making the most fuss about the commute I will be taking on - an hour an a half at most,and I am hoping to go part time to a three day week,or finish at 3pm on 5 days.I am worried about this,so they are pushing my buttons quite effectively there.

They are not concerned about the commute, they are trying to bully and coerce you into doing what THEY want you to do so they can carry on enjoying treating you badly. Who cares what anyone else thinks of yoour commute - you're the one that has to do it, and it's your job and your life. You don't need to justify yourself to anyone - it is none of their business. You are allowed to tell them to butt out and you don't have to lsiten to them. Believe that and they will lose their power over you!

The whole object of the exercise is to 'lose' your parents. Do your children really want to keep in touch with them or are you hanging on to the idea the 'having grandparents is a lovely thing and my children must have it'?
If that is your inherited idea of 'grandparents' you know, you can realise that it is pie in the sky.
You know your parents won't change, they can't. So, if you can, move. The postbox idea is a good one.
Explain to your mother that you are doing it all for her:- if you are such a pain to her then you are removing yourself, so she won't have to bother any more.
Speak to your children about what is going on, apart from the baby they are all old enough to know what is going on.
As for the rest of the family, uncles in Australia and all, say that you are grateful that he took the trouble and say you will reconsider. Then DON'T

Are you absolutely sure the interfering relatives are well meaning, or are they just better at hiding behind a mask of concern? You can fool all of the people some of the time; your mother is quite good at that.

I'm quite surprised your DCs are keen to continue a relationship with the toxic GPs. They were there that time your parents and XP did a three-way rant at you in your own home, they saw how the old monsters behave. I'd think they would be rather wary of continued closeness following such horrible incidents. Mind you I don't blame an 8-year-old for telling her granny the family news, that's just going to happen I suppose.

Legally I don't suppose you have a right to stop your mother finding out what your address is and then publishing it to everyone she knows - probably, not sure on this - the Information Commissioner might be able to shed light on your rights in this area. There's nothing wrong with asking her not to as a matter of courtesy, except of course that she doesn't do courtesy. However, there is also no right on her part nor obligation on yours to give out the address if you don't want to. Her legal right to interfere in your life ended 24 years ago.

With regard to the "right to a relationship with the older DCs" thing, well if said DCs are over 18 they can please themselves (with due regard to the rules under your roof). If they're under age, you and anyone else with parental responsibility (that would be their father, not their grandmother!) have not only the right but the duty to decide who's good for them to be in touch with. It seems fair enough that any relative who is not an actual danger should be allowed contact but there is no reason why this contact should have to be direct, as long as they've got a way of getting in touch. Thus, if the children have mobiles, why shouldn't they speak to Granny on those; and if GPs want to send presents, why not send them to their father's house for forwarding? They could even go and stay sometimes, and as long as you have a mobile too (a special one for the purpose perhaps) so you could be contacted in an emergency, it doesn't matter whether they know where you are or what your landline number is or anything else.

No right on her part to demand you give out the address, I meant.

Oh,I really want to get a grip on this.I can't pin down exactly what is stopping me.

My m rang after lunch today."Nice old lady" voice,but barbed chat - "Im sure you're too busy packing to talk,I won't keep you"

"Yes I am very busy"- that was ignored.
She rang to ask baby dd's real name (we use the shortened version) and date of birth (she claimed never to have been told,wtf??) as she is stitching a sampler for her - she does for all the g'dc.

So,although she is being deliberately bitchy,it is hard to confront,as it is dressed up as a nice ,sweet act and delivered in her helpless victim voice - expecting me to have a go at any point.

Baby cries in the background she says she will let me get on and see us on Wednesday,hangs up.

I ring back and ask what about Wed. Apparently she arranged with dd3 on the phone,and promised to bring a chocolate cake as it is dd's birthday,plus presents.Gives me no space to answer,says got to go,father is calling her and hangs up.

I know I should ring back and say it's not convenient.But until I tackle this once and for all,she will continue to do this.And I don't know what is stopping me.

More than anything,it is the weird,alternative reality they control,in which I am a useless nuisance and they are victims of me.sweet little old people who do their best despite my awfulness.

I do believe they really have no insight and believe their reality.The trouble is,so do others.And I have grown up believing it ,too.It has only been my experience of an abusive, narcissistic now-ex partner that has shown all this in it's "true reality".

They often come on a Wednesday though, so could you not take it at face value that they would really come to celebrate dd3's birthday with presents and cake? If it really is not convenient then you will have to say so, but if dd's birthday falls on Wednesday then, well, I could possibly pretend that she was a sweet old lady wanting to do something nice. After all chocolate cake? And a sampler. Well how nice? Just pretend?? Don't feel guilted into reciprocating their 'niceness', just thank you very much that's very kind.
And I think I would have a little chat with dd3 to say that IF she makes arrangements with Granny to visit, you would need her to come and ask you whether that is convenient before she makes the arrangment with Granny, chocolate cake or no chocolate cake.

Thank you,DO,that is what I usually do.And try to ignore,ignore,ignore if/when the terrible remarks are made.

The sweet g'p's bit is what the dc want.Even though the older ones don't really get it now that they are older - and answer back,they do have a memory of sweet ,old granny and grampsie from when they were tiny.They find it hard to witness the weirdness and hard to reconcile the evidence of their eyes and ears with their "granny".

That is exactly why I find it so hard to cut all ties.That,and my dear old aunt with Down Syndrome,who it would be virtually impossible to see or even keep in touch with,unless through mother.