Need a bloody rant!

[notremotelyintofootie]

Arghhhhhhhhh

Bloody 'd'h, before we had dd we had a big chat and he made it clear that he didn't want dd to go to a nursery or childminders until she was reasonably old.... Dh works shifts and I am on a full time funded phd which means I have to do 35 hours a week but it's flexible and I can do some at home and some in the office.... I had maternity leave but had to start back when dd was 4-5 months old.

Because of dh's views he agreed that we would share the childcare and I would work around his shifts so if he was on a late shift (2-9:30) he would look after her in the morning and if on an early (7-3) he would come back and then I could work and I could also work on his off days.... We realised that it would mean little time together but to avoid nursery we had to do it!

It started off ok-ish except that dh likes a lie in and so I couldn't leave to work until 9:30/10 and he wanted me back by 12 so he could get ready for work and catch the bus which is about a 20 min journey.... He would also not really come straight back after an early as it would be a stressful shift and so he'd grab a 'cheeky pint' while waiting for a bus (they come every 15
mins....) and on his days off he would need a lie in and want to pop out in the early evening and so at beat I would have 3-5 hours.... I was not getting wbouh time and some lates he would refuse to watch her as he wa tired etc so we argued as I felt I had to ask permission to work! He eventually told me that I could assume he would watch her on his lates and that I didn't have to ask.... Yeah right! Also when he does a night shift he won't watch her the day before or the day after as he sleeps before and after...

I still wasnt getting enough time so I insisted on finding a nursery - huge arguments again but I found one and put dd in for 3 afternoons a week so that

He sounds really selfish.

I am sure that you would like all these nice lie-ins too, and two hours to get ready for work with a 20 minute journey and time for "cheeky" pints.

I could not stand this. fwiw I work shifts and dh works ft days. We really do share the childcare (he has had them all weekend and is back tomorrow to do a full week). We only pay for childcare two full days per week and juggle the rest between us. Imo it can only work if both parties treat each other with respect and fair play.

In our case this includes dh doing the odd bit of tidying during the day. If I am off in the morning I might prepare some food for the day so we really do try to give and take.

Incidentally it is not "easy" for either of us at times. However he might say (for example) when I get back would I mind if he pops out for a quick pint. And no, I don't mind at all because next time I will pop out or go to town or whatever and I know it will be fine. :)

Sorry got cut off!

So that I could have some protected time to work, dd loves it! We can only just afford it, I have no spending money at all now, but it's necessary to make up some time...

However, dh seems to think that he now doesn't need to look after dd before his lates as it's a long day for him! Arghhhhh

Tomorrow I should be going into work 9:30/10 ish and dh look after dd and take her to nursery at one which is on his way to work but he's been such a dick recently that I thought I would compromise and say I would go in at 11 instead but that's not good enough and when I bring up his previous agreement and the fact that nursery was in addition to this he tells me I am not respecting him! Arghhhhha

He reckons whenever I disagree with him I am showing him a lack of respect despite the fact I get no 'me' time and he goes to pub 2-3 times a week, and in arguments he calls me a 'robot' and says I have mental issues, need help, am a psycho etc!!

I am so annoyed! I am on anti depressants because I get no support from him but he doesnt see why I need them and denies that he wants a bloody surrendered wife who submits to him all the time!

Ok, breathe, rant over! Sorry it's so long!

Hi onepiece, sorry was still mid rant! This is what I thought we would do, pull together... I also have ds who is 11 and so many times I have asked dh to hang around on a Friday so that ds doesnt have to be on his own after school before he goes to his dads and it seems such a hardship!

He does sound selfish. It is fair enough to say that your daughter is too young for nursery (although I wouldn't agree, but can understand why some people feel that way) BUT you both then have to pull together to keep her out, if that is what you both want.

He is obviously not respecting what you do or thinking it important, or expecting you to slot into the little woman role now you have had a baby. Whatever his reasons, it needs dealing with now.

Cautionary tale; I knew a woman whos husband stomped around saying 'no child of mine will ever be looked after by anyone other than their parents!' so wife duly gave up her teaching training... ten years later, he divorces her. She has nothing to fall back on and he initially refused to pay her any maintenance on grounds that she should go out and get a job... after devoting a decade of her life to raising their children.

Gosh he talks a lot about respect doesn't he? - which I find ironic considering the examples that you give about him?

I stand by my original comment that he is selfish, sorry.

What is good and positive in your relationship? (serious question btw).

From your two posts it seems as if he wants a very easy life while at the same time making various demands/requests that inconvenience you a huge amount but don't affect him at all.

"dh thinks that he doesnt have to look after dd before his lates as its a long day"
my DH comes in from a 12 hr night shift and takes DS off me so I can have a lie in. Tell your DH to man up!! selfish so and so!!!

I went back to work when my daughter was about 3 months old, husband worked a 3 shift pattern

When he was on earlies, she went to childminder, when on a 'back' shift, starting in the afternoon, he had her untl I came home and when he did night shift, he would stay up until I came home

I worked about 8am to 12.30 and was home about 1pm

What's good and positive?

When we are getting on it's great, we have good conversations, we like similar comedy stuff and have been to music festivals etc together, he loves the kids, adores dd and ds and has a good relationship with dsd(15) who he talks to 3-5 times a week...

It's been alot harder since dd and I have taken on the brunt of the housework and childcare, since she was born (14 months ago) I have however only had 2 lie ins until about 8/9am and I do all the night wakings as I bf during the night still ( she wakes 2-3 times. Trying to sleep train!) I Have told him he can give a bottle but he sleeps through it all and is bloody grumpy as hell if I try and get him to get up.... I think he has sleep apnoea as he snores badly and sleeps alot but he always tired! But he won't see the gp....

Life is a bit stressful as his dad has been diagnosed with inoperable lung cancer over Xmas and is drinking 2-3 bottles of wine a day again and dh is worried about that too...

NRIF, you find yourself compromising BECAUSE he's being more of a dick? That gets the alarm bells ringing for me. There is no balance of power in your relationship, he is walking all over you. It's bad enough that he thinks he can opt out of the childcare whenever he doesn't fancy it, but there are so many things that feel wrong here. Why are YOU paying for the childcare with basically all your disposable income? He's the one who wasn't pulling his weight looking after DD, this should be a joint outgoing.

I agree we both should be paying but he is so decking stubborn and arsey over money too! He reckons that as he works rely hard he should have around £200 or so spending money a month... He give me a set amount towards the household bills and moans about how much it is but for example our rent ia £1000 a month! We also have council tax of £130 (it's reduced as I am
A full time student even though I am paid - if I was the only adult k would have to pay it at all!)... When he wasn't working due to illness I paid for everything too and yet he has never offered to pay me back and he knows i have no money left each month as although we have the same income I make up the shortfall!

I know I am stupid to do this but the only other option would be to be split.... I have made it clear that when I qualify I will be keeping alot of my extra income to myself as he is ao bloody selfish!

I have no objection to dd going to nursery for kore hours either, ds went full time when he was 3 months old and is a lovely well adjusted boy.....

Dh has just apologised for being arsey tonight but this ia what happens.... 9 out of 10 time he won't admit he's wrong then he will but a week later he does it again!!

Sorry for spelling mistakes, blooming iPhone!