Any advice about trial separations please?

[thewasteland]

Just as the title suggests - can anybody give me their advice/experience about trial separations?

My dh has not abusive or anything like that, in fact, he is very loving and supportive and desperate to make things work. I am the one having problems due to various things that have happened and are making me requestion my life. We live day to day fairly amicably but I desperately need my space and, after several months of trying other things, dh is reluctantly agreeing this could be the way forward. He will not agree to move out at the moment and I can't blame him for this as I'm the one instigating the separation. We have a 10 year old daughter and we share childcare. Obviously I am extremely concerned about the effect on her.

I am looking to rent and the idea would be that our daughter would spend time with both of us. It seems such a drastic step to take and although I am keen to proceed, can't get my head around all of the emotional, practical and financial implications. We will just about be able to afford the mortgage and rent for another property and we earn similiar amounts. Its just the whole notion of setting up another, completely new home, and the fact that I'm leaving the marital home. I just keep thinking that even though this is such upheaval, it will, ultimately, give us a way forward whether that be together or apart.

I would appreciate any experiences, tips, advice to do with this.

Are you secretly my H posting?

no I am definitely a woman! Sorry to hear you are going through it all as well.

It's ok. My h is having a major mid life crisis and he also 'needs his space'.

My dc (and I)have been devastated by it. They are hurt, angry and confused.

How much of a 'trial' will it be? It'll be very expensive - I obviously don't know your financial position.

Just don't think, if you leave the relationship with your daughter won't be effected (assuming she'll remain in the family home).

I know wherecanIhide. Perhaps it is the coward's way out. Its not a sudden thing for us (sometimes I think it happens when someone has met somebody else) but something that in some ways seems harder to fix, because its difficult to pinpoint exactly why its not working.

I can see the downsides to it. A good friend of mine suggested it as the lesser of two evils. Even though in the short term it involves so much upheaval, it would hopefully lead to some kind of solution in the long term.

If you went for a permanent separation would you expect to gain residential custody of your daughter? That could be very difficult to take through the courts if you are going to leave her behind now.

Is it definately your relationship you are unhappy with? (sorry if this seems a stupid question)

bubblewrapped - we would share custody. Due to our jobs, we do an equal share of parenting now and would make arrangement for this to continue as far as we can. Our daughter is obviously old enough to also state her wishes. I would also obviously like to spend time with her/share parenting during the trial separation but I can see what you mean about leaving the marital home. Because dh hasn't actually done anything, I can't see how its fair to expect him to leave. Its so difficult.

wherecanIhide - thats a tricky one. I am certainly questioning my relationship and my feelings for dh. Whether that comes from me being unhappy in other areas is difficult to say. I have been having counselling on and off, but find it difficult to do so, then actually live day to day with dh, when I am trying to get my head around what the counsellor has said? I would hope that during the separation, dh and I would have counselling together regularly, but then we would have our own space to reflect.

Renting a flat is a permanent arrangement rather than a trial one really. Would it not be possible to stay with a relative, or even just get a room in a shared house.

I left my husband, I needed space, and I walked out.. lots of reasons.. and realised very quickly that walking out was not the right thing to have done.. I could have and should have dealt with it in a different way.

Luckily it all worked out for the best, and we got back together after 4 months, but it took many years for that to heal. Even now, occasionally he will mention something and say "oh it was when you werent here" and that hurts me. He hadnt been an angel, and will admit he drove me to leave, but its certainly a big decision to make and we didnt have children involved.

At ten your daughter is old enough to understand, but it will still probably confuse her and will certainly affect her.

I suppose by just renting a room/staying with a relative, I then won't be able to have dd with me overnight at all. Wouldn't it then seem like I was completely deserting her?

I do understand bubblewrap, thats its such a big move (excuse the pun). I just can't see another way around it. dh is trying to give me space day to day, but its impossible when you live under the same roof. I also think that dd is picking up under the atmosphere. We have rarely rowed, but obviously things are not right.

Can you pinpoint (even if only to yourself) what the problem is?

Moving out (and away from your child) is such a drastic measure. I would be terrified that my 'reasonable' husband then said I wasn't going to have the access I wanted. I wouldn't want my child to grow up in a home other than mine.

Is there anything at all that you can do to get yourself more space. Space to do what? What will you do with yourself when you are on your own? Do you have plans?

I think, if you look on it as getting away just for a couple of weeks, and see how that goes, just that amount of space could be enough to do some thinking and both of you re-evaluate. A bit of a Shirley Valentine moment. If you can, book yourself on a holiday, go somewhere that all you need to do is chill out all day, and think.

If that doesnt work, then perhaps think about the next step of actually moving out of the home.

I can truly say that is the way I would have done it now, rather than pack a suitcase and leave my key behind.

Having your daughter overnight doesnt need to be a priority if it is only short term. If anything, I think it would be better if she didnt stay, simply so that her own normal routine is not disrupted, and she doesnt get stressed about leaving her home and her dad behind.

If it was going to be a permanent split, that would be different, but I think as it is only intended to be a trial, try to keep your daughters life as normal as possible, so that if you do sort it out, she wont have been traumatised by the upheaval.

Hi there, me and my dh are currently on a trial separation (I think??) Its been like that since October. Things just got unbareable and I went to stay with his parents for a few days and dh thought I had left him and he refused to let me back home. I am now in a rented house until the lease runs up in May. Its not been easy to be honest and we havnt had any communication since nov 5th (his choice) I think its brought us further away and if anything confused the hell about of me, until about 3 weeks ago I would have done anything to have him back, but now i dont know how i feel. I feel hurt that he hasnt asked me to go back and am simply functioning on a day be day basis and trying to forget about him. This cant be good??
I guess what im trying to say is, you must work on your relationship when you are parted and communication is really important. meet each other fortnightly for date nights etc to see if you can rekindle lost love without the daily grind.
The position with your dd is going to be difficult, I have one dd with me and he has the other one. Hard to advise you what to do in this situation, as you say your dd is old enough to decide, though dont move her unneccesarily if if doesnt have to be. Make sure you think things through before you jump in and make the final decision- i think you can see from my situation that there isnt always a way back if your dh doesnt want it. take care

atswimtwolengths. I have been with dh since I was 18(17 years). We have had ups and downs like everyone but over the last 18 months things (for me) just haven't been right. I can't say exactly why, but think its a combination of things - I lost my sister 2 and a half years ago who I was really close to and this made me reevaluate my whole life. I grew to love dh over time and I have often had a nagging feeling that he might not be the one for me but because of his many, many good points, I have always put alot into our relationship and we have had good times. I know that bereavement can be a crisis time for anybody, and it certainly did make me think about the rest of my life.

I think I 've changed alot - not for any particular reason - but our interests have become very different and sometimes we have to work so hard just to feel that we can talk and laugh together. I think dd growing a bit older has obviously given me some independence back and I love this but feel that my independence could actually go alot further. I have high career aspirations and am working hard to achieve them. Dh does support me, but long hours out of the house does obviously affect a relationship.

Dh on the other hand, has grown to love me more and more over the years and is very comfortable in his existence. He works and enjoys his job but has no desire to climb the ladder. He is very easy going and has so many good points. However, he is only 6 months older than me, but in m

any ways has 'aged' mentally? Its difficult to explain, but he has just kind of settled into life and does not question any thing.

I admit that initially, a few months ago, almost blame him for all of these problems which is so wrong. None of it is his 'fault' and I believe the solution must come from me getting my head straight and knowing exactly what I want. I guess I am hoping that time on my own will help me to clarify my feelings. Sorry to waffle

bubblewrapped, I can see the point in having a couple of weeks away. If I am honest, in some ways, I think it is fear that holds me back from doing this. Its almost like I'll go away and it might hit me that I do want us to part. I suppose ironically, even though a trial separation is such a major unpheaval, it is just that - a separation with the idea of meeting reguarly, having counselling and coming to a mutual decision about our future.

That would probably be a lot easier to do than move out, set up a new home, and realise you didnt want to part though.

I moved out 5 months ago for very similar reasons to you thewasteland and find it hard to explain to others.

Initially I took a tiny house 500 yards from the family home and left my teenage DC with DH in their own rooms with all their stuff. They seem to be coping and express some anger towards me, some sadness, but mainly are just normal teenagers.

I was worried what people would say but noone has been judgemental. It has been hard for my DH because he didn't want me to go.

The time alone has been hugely helpful to me. I have been going to therapy for 18 months now and am changing and growing happier.

For me it has been a mid-life awakening, not a crisis. I feel alive for the first time in years.

Don't be scared, dont worry what people think, just make a short term plan and follow it. You can always go back if it seems the right thing to do.

nonames - thank you for your experiences. It is good to feel you have done the right thing. I am imagining your children are older teenagers, do you think you could have done it if they were younger?

The whole point though, regarding dd, is that we would share parenting - I could not just desert her, its as simple as that.

I am so, so scared nonames. You must be a brave person.