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Original poster

practicalities with relationship ending

11 replies

butterflybee · 06/02/2011 16:13

Hello.. I was wondering if people here could let me know practically what happens if you decide a relationship is over. Who do you need to call? What's available to help?

I'm married with 2 kids, we own a house together and I'm working part time. My family is all on another continent, his is mostly here.

I've asked him to leave the house before and he's refused.

OP posts:
marmy55 · 06/02/2011 16:15

are you in the UK

Original poster
butterflybee · 06/02/2011 16:15

Yep, I'm in London. He works too.

OP posts:
bubblewrapped · 06/02/2011 16:22

Well it is half his house. What are your reasons for asking him to leave?

Takeresponsibility · 06/02/2011 16:24

butterflybee, really sorry you have found yourself in this position. Practicalities are:

If the house is in joint names then you can't force him to leave, nor he you unless there is domestic violence in which case you can apply to the court for a non-molestation order and a non-ocupancy order (commonly known as a non-mol and non-occ for obvious reasons).

However for divorce and benefits purposes as long as you are living completely separate lives (seperate bedds, seperate finances, don't cook each others meals, do each others washing or ironing, have shared food etc then you can be considered separated (not to be confused with "legally separated" which is a different thing again.

There are too many practicalities to iknow where to start, can you be more specific about your concerns and so we can give more "bite sized" answers.

This is probably not allowed but can I recommend another website called "Wikivorce" which is just about divorce and separation, the people are quite gentle (unless you are a Mum who is refusing to let Dad see his kids, or Dad who is refusing to support his children then people get cross) and the practical advice and support is spot on.

Good luck

marmy55 · 06/02/2011 16:30

maybe get a free consultation with a solicitor to find out where you stand

Original poster
butterflybee · 06/02/2011 18:54

There's no domestic violence and I have absolutely no interest in cheating him out of his half of the house or keeping him away from the kids. I asked him to leave to give us some space to think - he has relatives here and I don't, plus I would be going with the kids (aged 4 & 1) and my London friends don't have an extra bedroom. I'm not sure we could actually live separately in the same house without arguing .. a lot. I'm feeling incredibly worn down and just really need some space to think about next steps.

I guess I wanted to have some idea of what ending things would involve so I feel less trapped. I've not 100% closed the door on us making it work, but it looks less and less likely all the time. I guess I need a back up plan so I can try to make it work without feeling desperate. That is not a health place for me..

I will have a look at the site, thanks for the recommendation.

OP posts:
bubblewrapped · 06/02/2011 18:59

Are you intending leaving the country? You wouldnt be able to just take the children with you.

Are you absolutely sure that this is the end of the road? It will be very difficult with such young children. :(

Original poster
butterflybee · 06/02/2011 19:13

I'm not planning to just leave the country with the kids, that would be a long term goal but I know there would need to be some agreement from him and some legal work for that to happen, plus some way for them to see him on a regular basis.

Thing is - all 3 of us stayed in my home country for 6 weeks last summer when the little was less than 6 months old. Frankly transatlantic flights, doing all bedtimes childcare housework etc alone with a then 2yo and baby was much much easier than living with the tension we have built up. And.. after having said this directly to him last year and actively worked on our relationship in many different ways (including counselling, which he had to be dragged to and rubbished on a regular basis), it is no better now. Or better in some ways and worse in others.. and not something I want to live in. I feel exhausted around him, if we are apart for a day or an afternoon and I might be tired but don't feel just emotionally zapped the way I do after half an hour together.

So.. alone with 2 young kids, very hard. At the moment, this feels harder. I hope it changes but I want options.

OP posts:
Original poster
butterflybee · 06/02/2011 19:24

I guess the practical questions are about finances, benefits, housing as well as how to ... support the kids emotionally. I want to have energy to focus on them and give them what they deserve. I'm finding this very hard to do at the moment.

(sorry, this seems to have turned into more of an emotional dump than I intended)

OP posts:
bubblewrapped · 06/02/2011 19:31

It sounds very difficult..and must be very hard to do in a country that isnt your own, and not have any relatives nearby to support you.

Are you American? Is there any network of ex-pats who would be able to help you with the legalities of things.

Original poster
butterflybee · 07/02/2011 08:51

I'm not sure how ex-pats could help with legalities.. we were married in Canada but both kids were born here. He's from here.

Maybe I'll look into the legalities of splitting in Canada, as that would be where papers would be filed? Although that's a few steps away for now.

OP posts:
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