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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

This is SO alien to me, i just dont know how to react or what to do. Advice please.

26 replies

brokeoven · 06/02/2011 11:48

been with dh for 17 years, married for 10.

Have always had a lovely relationship, he is usually so lovely, kind, devoted to us and happy and content with what we have.
But
We have been bickering more than we ever have in the last 6 months or so.

last night we had words, i slept in the spare room as i just couldnt stand being in the same room as him.
He has gone out this morning, we have not spoken.

I feel like i want to leave. At this very moment i could get in my car and drive away.

Tell me to get my shit together and sort it out.

OP posts:
ThatllDoPig · 06/02/2011 11:51

Interesting. What is the bickering about? What were the 'words' last night about? Is there a theme that is getting to you?
Don't panic, sounds like you've got a lot to lose and it must feel scary for things to be changing. Sounds like lots of communication needed.

MommyMayhem · 06/02/2011 11:51

Sounds like a normal relationship to me. Do you think there may be some underlying issue?

Original poster
brokeoven · 06/02/2011 11:54

he jsut reacts so aggressively.

I told him to turn off the football as it had been on all day, and he hit me with the remote, because it wasnt hard enought he first tiem, hit hit me again. it fucking hurt.

OP posts:
loopylou6 · 06/02/2011 11:58

Shock he hit you? what a twat, not surprised you want to leave. Does he hit you often?

MommyMayhem · 06/02/2011 11:59

Oh dear. No, that is not a normal relationship at all. I hope some other ladies come on soon to give you some advice.

Original poster
brokeoven · 06/02/2011 12:01

no, thats the thing, he has got "pushy" before, but that was only a couple of times and years ago.
Lat night he wouldnt let me out of the room. Demanding that I appologise!!!

He just reacts so agressively.

Its not like him at all.

We werent even shouting or anything like that i just said "no, no more football toniht" and he just got really mad.

OP posts:
Cristiane · 06/02/2011 12:01

Poor you what a horrible situation.

Is this the first time he has hit you brokeoven?

FudgeGirl · 06/02/2011 12:02

Where about's did he hit you? Was it in a jokey way?

Just looking for context, not sure if it makes much difference but hey.

loopylou6 · 06/02/2011 12:02

Weird. Is he worrying about anything? How old is he?

Original poster
brokeoven · 06/02/2011 12:03

no, he was not joking.

OP posts:
Original poster
brokeoven · 06/02/2011 12:04

38

Dont think he is worrying, but he could be i spose

OP posts:
FudgeGirl · 06/02/2011 12:05

If he's just started behaving aggressively in the recent past, there will be a reason.

Can you sit down with him, put your cards on the table and ask what the hell is going on? You must not stand for him hitting you and tell him that from the off.

Tell him if he wants to save this relationship, he tells you what's going on in his head to cause him to be like this.

AnyFucker · 06/02/2011 12:32

Please don't stand for him hitting you

Please do not try to find excuses or "reasons" for it

No matter what is going on his head, there can never be an excuse

zero tolerance

If not, you stand at he top of a very slippery slope

I wouldn't be "sitting him down to talk", I would be packing his bags, hrowing him out, and telling him you might be willing to "talk" when he has figured out why he feels entitled to physically abuse you

or you might not, depending on he handles this from now on...not you

because he is responsible for this, not you

FudgeGirl · 06/02/2011 12:55

Just seen you say it's not the first time, that he's been "pushy" (presume you mean he has pushed you physically before) sorry.

Is a hit with a remote different to a smack in the face? I just don't know, it's hard to say out of context.

You can't do nothing though. I'm just not comfortable saying a categorical "leave him" when we just don't know all the details and when advice like that may cause more distress to the OP.

AnyFucker · 06/02/2011 13:40

FG...any physical violence should have zero tolerance

there aren't different "degrees" of one thing being worse than another, other than once started, it tends to escalate

AnyFucker · 06/02/2011 13:41

the only "context" here is that this guy feels entitled to push her around and hit her with a heavy implement

AnyFucker · 06/02/2011 13:42

OP...my advice is to speak to someone at Women's Aid

Servalan · 06/02/2011 16:01

Well, this does sound out of character in that you've been together for so long without any of this - but it also sounds like he's laying groundwork for new bad habits - possibly testing the water for being able to continue behaving in an aggressive fashion.

I think you need to assert a boundary now - i.e. this behaviour is unacceptable and has consequences.

Not saying that your relationship isn't salvagable, I think FudgeGirl could have a point that there could well be a case for talking - what I would say though is that comes later. Right now he could do a bit of a shock and a very clear message that that will be last time he assaults you in any way.

Could well be worth a call to Women's Aid for advice.

Servalan · 06/02/2011 16:05

by "assert a boundary" and "consequences" by the way, I mean calling for a break between one another with a clear message that you are reevaluating the relationship

ScarlettWalking · 06/02/2011 16:08

Are you certain it has just started now? Was he ever like this before if you think back in time?

AnyFucker · 06/02/2011 16:10

yes, he was scarlett

OP said there had been "pushing" incidents in the past Sad

ScarlettWalking · 06/02/2011 17:03

Yes very unlikely this would happen now out of the blue. I would have him leave no doubt. He is angry at you and it can only get worse. Fucking prick thinking he can hit you with the remote!

StuffingGoldBrass · 06/02/2011 18:13

Yes, talk to women's aid. This is abuse. YOur partner is abusing you by pushing and hitting you, because he feels entitled to do so. He thinks he's your boss/owner and that it's OK for him to punish you for disobeying or annoying him. Men who do this only ever get worse.
You poor thing, it's a horrible situation to be in but there is plenty of help out there for you.

LittleMissHissyFit · 06/02/2011 18:53

OP, draw a line, set your boundaries and tell him that he has crossed every last one of them that really you ought to be packing his stuff in a plastic bag.

This is IT, no more. Be firm, you deserve to be treated with respect.

I'm inclined to agree with servalan though tbh

BertieBotts · 06/02/2011 19:10

"Is a hit with a remote different to a smack in the face? I just don't know, it's hard to say out of context."

It's not different if it's intended aggressively. I could imagine I might hit a friend, or my sister, or boyfriend, on the arm with a remote control in a jokey way, not hard, not intending to hurt, say if they were messing around and winding me up. (I guess this is what you mean by context?)

But the OP said "he hit me with the remote, [and] because it wasnt hard enough the first time, [he] hit me again. it fucking hurt."

It was an aggressive act - it was intended to hurt her.

OP I hope you are ok. If he is aggressive and violent towards you - even "small" acts like hitting you with a remote control, pushing you or blocking you in a room are violent - then you do need to try and find a way out of this situation. Is he aggressive with your children as well?

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