I've changed my name for this because somehow even under your pseudonym you begin to feel "known" and this is somehow too close to the bone.
Dh and I have been together for 7.5 years and have one ds who is almost 22 months old and another baby on the way (first trimester, have not had a scan yet).
Before ds our relationship was always an up and down one, now since ds there has been what is probably a steady deterioration with lots of downs under the pressures of childcare, and not so much time for each other. Since becoming pregnant again things have taken a decided turn for the worse with things today seeming totally unchangeable. I have probably been quite harsh with dh recently but I was appalled at how little compassion / and or willingness to help me he has shown me in the light of morning sickness, or should one say "all day sickness". I let the house completely deteriorate but then seeing as he lives here too he could have taken over some of it? I do have a history of being messy which he has always found very difficult but I had fairly recently got things on an even keel managing to do quite a lot while ds sleeps in the mornings.
Dh thinks all women change for the worse when they have children... he has seen this in two of his sisters, other women and now me he says. Things have got to the stage now where we are fighting a lot of the time (or not speaking properly) though not all the time, and are both very focussed on ds and ignoring each other. This is especially the case with dh who lavishes attention on ds kissing and cuddling him all the time and telling him he is "his" baby and how wonderful he is. I am very affectionate with ds as well but less intensely, also because I see him more. I am glad ds is hearing all these lovely things from his father but what I find difficult is how little physical affection dh shows me (obviously at the moment none because we are not talking)... he will kiss ds goodbye as I am holding him and totally ignore me. He once said I had "had my turn". So it got to the stage where we were only having cuddles in bed. Since having morning sickness however I have been unable to jump around between my bed (ds and I co-sleep) and dh's and so have hardly been in dh's bed at all so there is no physical contact at all. I feel like a hated necessity in my own home. I definitely feel "second" best...
We never resolve our fights by talking about them but by letting time pass (this is very much the style in dh's family, one sister and him haven't spoken to each other at all for years). Dh has suggested other people go to counselling but would never go himself. I truly think he thinks I am a selfish person whom he wants as little as possible to do with and he is going to concentrate on ds who is a very very nice person. (Which he is, absolutely, but I am not the evil evil person dh thinks I am).
The thing is how does one know if one should call things a day?? And what on earth does that mean anyway with one son and another baby on the way? I would like things to work out but I do not want to spend the next 20 years feeling disliked or demeaned. I do have to change the way I do some things but I think I "deserve" a loving relationship as much as the next person.
Obviously I have left loads out about how we interact and what dh finds difficult about me, but I think at the core of some of my behaviour (eg. I never make him tea) is how unloved or unappreciated I feel by dh. It has been especially hard with me feeling sick as a dog and him being totally unsympathetic about it.
It looks doubtful that our relationship can survive another baby unless we change a lot of things and I don't know that we have the stamina. We seem to want different things. Recently dh mentioned something about MIL coming to live with us and I would find this very difficult...
Also, I should mention that dh is divorced... I can feel history repeating itself.
I feel very trapped.. the way I have being doing things with ds is very "attachment parenting" with the result that I am still breastfeeding so feel that I have very little freedom. Obviously now I am going to have to wean him. I feel very much like ds's backdrop and nothing else to very few people really. I'm sure if dh and I saw less of each other (dh often works from home) and had more time to do other things, things would be easier. Both my family and his live far away so we have none of that kind of babysitting available.
I'm just shocked by how aggressive dh has been with me recently, it seems that real hate backs what he is saying.
He gets very annoyed if I tell him things about ds yet he will do the same thing and that's okay??? This evening the fallout was because ds asked to "see the motorbike" that he could hear outside and dh said that "when he was bigger he could ride a motorbike", so I said something about how he should have said the "motorbike had gone" which is after all the real answer to ds's question; and he went ballistic. Yet just earlier when I had been asking ds if he wanted beans and rice for dinner, dh told me not to ask him and just give it to him....
All sounds very pathetic doesn't it???
Dh got very annoyed with me at the beginning of morning sickness because I was only getting food for myself (and ds when ds wasn't doing it) but I don't think he understood that I was kind of staggering to the kitchen to find the nearest thing to eat so that I wouldn't puke... I feel better now (sickness is manageable in the day but worse in the evening) so am trying to fix food for everybody when I cook. He also got annoyed that I didn't want to eat his food when I was feeling unwell, again he just doesn't get it, some things are appealing, others things are just not...
Anyway, I could go on and on about our relationship but better stop here, congratulations for reading this far and I hope you haven't fallen asleep!!!!