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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Obsessive Mother in Law

17 replies

Billy19 · 06/02/2011 09:15

Hi there,
we moved out of my fiance's mothers house 5 months ago, with our now 14 month old baby. Mother in law is no completley obsessed with us and makes me feel like im being smothered and my partner would sooner spend every minute with them rather than me!!! my mil rings it 8am every day to see what my fiance and daughter are doing she rings atleast 10 times a day to see what were doing as she constantly wants to be in the loop and finds excuses to come down all the time as we live 60 seconds from her!!! but its got to a point now were im at the end of tether coz my fiance doesnt see the problem!!! my mil is also so controlling and controls almost everyone at her house including my fiance please can someone help as i do wanna marry my fiance so much but this is putting me off!!!

OP posts:

ValiumSandwichTime · 06/02/2011 09:23

wow, is your fiancee working? are you looking after the baby all day? I think you should let the phone ring and ring and ring and ring for a while. Possibly invite her over on Wednesdays and maybe see her once at the weekend.

Can you make yourself really busy for a while so that you can't be accused of wicked conniving (sp). Go to friends' houses, go to toddler groups, go for lunch with old colleagues. Then if you do answer the phone you can say 'im on the traine now!" (travelling away from you).

Longtalljosie · 06/02/2011 09:29

How old is your fiance?

Original poster

Billy19 · 06/02/2011 09:36

no im at work all week but the valuable times are the weekends when i get bombarded my partners 26!!

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2rebecca · 06/02/2011 09:40

I agree that it sounds odd none of you are busy working during the day. You both sound very young to be putting up with this.
The real problem is your fiance, he needs to see that you both need some space and his mum is OTT. If he doesn't I wouldn't be marrying him as you will have a lifetime of being controlled by him and his mother. I'd be threatening to move out on my own with the baby to give me some space from her and discuss with him how often you would like to be seeing his mother and how often she should ring.
Actually is your fiance living with you because at the end of your post she controls everyone in her house including your fiance.
Why dosn't MIL get a job if she is bored and wants entertaining during the day? Why isn't she spending time with FIL?
The main person you need to change is your fiance. If he continues to ignore your wishes and not stand up to his mother then arguing with his mother will change nothing. I can understand his mum got attached to the baby whilst living therer but you should both be telling her to back off now and give you some space.

bumpybecky · 06/02/2011 09:40

do not marry this man!

Longtalljosie · 06/02/2011 09:40

Old enough to know better then! What happens when you go away for the weekend? Do you? Do you have friends out of town you can visit?

Or... do you have friends you can invite for the weekend? Seeing their reaction to the 10x calling might be the wakeup call your fiance needs...

ValiumSandwichTime · 06/02/2011 09:41

so she sees the babya lot during the week?

i think in that case you would NOT be at all unreasonable to say that you would like the weekends to yourselves. Your partner should understand this and he should say it to her.

She may well act wounded and react as though you have called her a big fat evil hairy witch rather than just politely asked for some time alone as a family.

Original poster

Billy19 · 06/02/2011 09:45

When we are away we get phone calls all the time also and sorry i forgot to mention im male!

OP posts:

Original poster

Billy19 · 06/02/2011 09:48

the mil spends every day of the week as my fiance works there for a internet company!! and my fiance live with me!

OP posts:

2rebecca · 06/02/2011 09:49

OK, I see you both work. If I was at work it wouldn't bother me if my husband then spent time whilst I was at work with his mum. I would get annoyed at daily phone calls whilst getting ready for work as that eats into time you have together on a moring and would be telling him to arrange stuff with her the day before and ask her not to call so early.
I agree that on a weekend I'd be wanting to spend time with husband and baby, plus possibly friends and my own family, and if she is seeing the baby alot during the week then maybe she could be asked to give you space at the weekends.
This needs sorting now before routines get entrenched.
Why does your fiance want to spend as much time with his mum? Most blokes would find that a bit suffocating.

2rebecca · 06/02/2011 09:52

I would still be talking to her even if you are male, although I now suspect this is a wind up as this is MUMSNET and if you were genuine you would have mentioned being male in the first post and not gone out of your way to avoid using personal pronouns.

ValiumSandwichTime · 06/02/2011 09:56

ach, maybe he just didn't know that a female fiancee has two es and a male fiance has one e. That is French afterall, not everybody knows that!!

Original poster

Billy19 · 06/02/2011 09:57

it is suffocating to be honest! I cant say anything to her as she does not listnen or thinks im attacking them!! and i love her spending time together and whilst im at work its just when ive worked all week i want my own time with my fiance and daughter without her popping round calling 15 times a day! kinda gets in your hair, her mood totally changes when shes with her parents tho she seems loads happier maybe its just me?!

OP posts:

Blatherskite · 06/02/2011 10:12

rebecca, it may be called "mumsnet" but it's a site "by PARENTS for PARENTS" Men are more than welcome to post too without having to warn everyone first!

Longtalljosie · 06/02/2011 11:06

Oh that's tough. She does need to grow up and cut the apron strings though.

Is she really calling 10 times a day? Or is she just calling morning and evening (that's not much of a just obviously, it would do my head in). If it really is 10 times then could you get her to cut it down to morning and evening?

Obviously she feels more comfortable in her role as a daughter than she does in her role as a partner. It could either be immaturity on her part or an issue with your relationship - how do you get on? Do you row much? Do you see much of your friends? Do you get on with each others' friends?

ValiumSandwichTime · 06/02/2011 11:29

Maybe it's because your fiancee's mum is looking after her daughter's needs as well as the baby's.. and when it's just you and your fiancee, you like her to look after you!?

That's not necessarily a criticism by the way. As I don't mean be your servant or pander to you, just, you expect her to be attentive to you??? and it's easier for her to have her mother be attentive to her?

I liked having my mum around after dc's birth for this exact reason. She looked after Me. mY X, YES x expected me to look after him. NOT saying that's what's going on with you, it's jsut something to consider, to be aware of.

Original poster

Billy19 · 06/02/2011 13:50

yes seriously atleast 10 times a day? maybe so but it never feels like we are together as a family

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