I freaked out and now I feel terrible

[shell96]

Sorry really long post.

DP and I have two DSs. DS1 is 21 months and DS2 is 4 weeks. Just over a fortnight ago my grandmother had a bad stroke. She was very frail before that so when it happened we were basically told to expect the worst pretty soon. She has mostly been in a coma since then and my parents had said we could visit if we wanted of course but that it might be better if we didnt. It wouldnt be pleasant, she didnt look herself any more, and we may just be better remembering her as she was before the stroke. GPs live 2 1/2 hours away so not just like popping down to the local hospital either.

But over the last week my parents had been to visit and said she appeared a bit better, could open eyes though not focus and slightly grip if they held her hand, and appeared to react to voices.

I was quite keen to visit as I wanted to introduce DS2 to her in case the worst did happen but had been putting it off as DP been working away during the week and it's quite a long return trip to make in a day.

My sister and her DP visited earlier this week and my sis said that although it wasnt nice and that she would now always remember our gran that way, trapped in her own body, she was glad she went. So decided we would go and went down today.

Didnt start well when we reached the hospital as I suddenly felt sick with fear. It got worse because although we had been told family could visit outwith visiting times due to the seriousness of her condition, when we arrived we were made to wait 20 mins until visiting time started. During the 20 minute wait my panic got worse until as we were walking to her ward I wasnt sure I could go in but my legs wouldnt stop.

As soon as we got in the room I started crying. I just stood and looked at her. She really didnt look herself, mouth gaping, face sagging etc. I had been warned to expect this but obviously hadnt prepared myself for it. I wanted to hold her hand but her wrists were swollen which made her hands look funny and I couldnt touch them. I felt stupid talking aloud to someone unconscious when there were other people on the ward. After about 30 awkward seconds I said to DP 'lets just go and let her sleep' and we left. I never even said a word to her.

At the time I just felt relieved to be out of there but now I feel so guilty for not even making the effort to try and talk to her. What if she could hear us and knows I just ran off? I just wanted to tell we had brought DS2 to meet her. I had even stupidly thought I might put his hand on hers in case she could feel it but I never even took him out of the buggy. Also I'm angry at myself for dragging DP and DSs on such a long trip that now feels like it was wasted (although DP didnt complain at all and the DSs were astonishingly well behaved all day).

Dont know what I expect anyone to say to this but cant sleep from crying thinking about it.

Dont really know what to say but didnt want to you go unanswered

could you go down again? now your more prepared it might be a bit easier? maybe just taking the baby for her to meet and leaving your older ds and dp at home?
could you arrange to go with your parents or sister or someone if theyre closer? just so your not on your own

xxx

Please give yourself a break. I doubt your grandma registered much, but even if she had, she would not want to be remembered like that and would have understood. And I'm sure that just realising you had come to see her would have made her realise that it was from love.

Wishing you strength x

Your Grandmother would/does understand. Imagine that you were her. She would have seen you were upset and would have known you had to leave because you loved her too much to be able to stand seeing her like that. The very fact that you got so upset shows you love her, and she will know that.

Huge hugs to you x

Dear Shell96
Your post made me cry and reminded me of seeing my grandma (mum'm mum) really ill a few days before she died. She did recognise us but was in such a state I too could not believe it and had tears streaming down my face uncontrollably and had to go and hide in the ward bathroom for a bit to control myself. The tears continued endlessly it seemed and though she did see me and I did hold her hand at one point the following day when I don't think she really did recognise me, I was TERRIFIED of being left alone (my mum and uncle were there too) with her in case she died right in front of me.

I think grandmas have endless love and understanding for their grandchildren and you should on no account feel bad about what happened.
I too wonder if you could go again now that you are a little more prepared?
When my other grandma (dad's mum) died, she too had had a stroke and my mum told me not to come (I was in Italy at the time and this grandma was in England) - she did not regain consciousness and other members of my family saw her including my sister (who had not seen the first grandma when ill). My sister said she seemed to register people - especially my dad - when they were with her. For a long time I felt slightly resentful that my mother (quite a strong personality) had said don't come and wished I had gone. Now, about 16 or 17 years later, it doesn't matter so much and I know that other people were with her and remember my own personal last time that I saw her about 6 months prior to that, when she walked me half of the way to the bus stop and waved goodbye.
My own mother has died since then (quite young at 63, four years ago) and I buried my head in the sand terribly about her illness. I wasn't with her when she died, nor was my sister (but my dad was) - again they were in another country and though she was very ill I don't think anybody expected her to die that week (or probably couldn't believe that she could ever by extinguished). Though I feel very selfish because I did not support her in the way I would have liked to, the thought of seeing her terribly ill in a hospital bed and have to face the terrible mutual sadness and fear, was more than I could bear. A counsellor that I have spoken to since then said that people deal with grief and bereavement in all kinds of different ways and not everybody can be at the bedside. In any case my mother was a very private/proud person and she too minimised the extent of her illness. To think of her in pain or fear during those last few weeks is terrible though. Really terrible.
I'm sorry, I have taken over your thread but it struck a chord with me. When my first grandma died I remembered feeling very impressed by how strong she seemed in a way and how dying was definitely a part of life and was "okay".
I send you and your grandma lots of love :)

Don't beat yourself up.

You tried to go and your reaction was down to distress at seeing her like that. If she was capable of knowing what was going on she would have understood that.

On the day my Dad died I didn't kiss him when I came into the room to visit him for some reason, maybe someone was attending to him. I thought "I'll give him his hello kiss later." When, a lot later that day, he passed away I remembered I still hadn't kissed him, so I had to give him his hello kiss after he'd died . . . I felt really awful about not having done it before. But - he wasn't in a situation to worry about that sort of thing and more importantly, he KNEW I loved him and it wouldn't have mattered to him.

What I am trying to say is that your loving relationship with your Grandmother is something that has been built up for many many years and will never go away, even after she has gone - it certainly is not going to be ruined by you going to pieces in her hospital room, especially as the reason you went to pieces is because you love her. Love's a lot tougher than that.

Shell, you did your best, you tried and were overcome by grief.

That's Ok.

For what it's worth, my best friend died almost a year ago, and though I saw her once during her short illness, she didn't want me or other friends to come and see her when she wasn't looking smart and cheerful, so all offers to visit later were refused (sweetly).

When she died, despite the fact I had been emailing her and seding presents and letters the whole time, I never made it to her funeral. I prepared like mad, it was a 5 hour train journey away with the kids, so everything was packed and ready and I knew, I just knew I couldn't do it. We got on the train, and I felt so sick - only had ds1 with me, and he was anxious too, and I knew I'd lose the plot and not be able to cope for him. I wanted to go alone really but no one could have him that day.

I was in full panic mode by the first station and had to get off, go back and return my ticket.

Then I had to explain to her family why I wasn't there.

It was so awful. I still feel I failed her.
So I understand where you are coming from xx

thank you all so much for the kind messages. I have thought about going again but it will depend if dp leaves the car when he goes back to work (sometimes he drives, sometimes gets work van). Also i have nobody to leave ds1 with when dp is away as my family live over an hour away in the other direction and PILs are on holiday. I could take both DSs but it would be stressful. I'm not going to rule out going again though and if i get the chance to go at the same time as my parents or someone else think i will take it. Thank you all again. xx

I read this post last night when you first posted and as I was going to bed. I wanted to reply but didnt want to do a quick hit and run.

I completely understand how you feel.

When my mum died, it was totally out of the blue. She had a fall at home (we are 200 miles away), broke her wrist, late evening, went to hospital with her friend and had some bad reaction to the anaesthetic they gave while they reset it, which caused her to collapse in A & E.

We got a call at 6am from the ICU at the hospital who told me to prepare for the worst and get there ASAP.

The drive up there was awful, really bad weather all the way up the motorway, and a million things running through my mind.

Got there to be told she was in an induced coma as her blood pressure was unstable, (all a bit vague as I was just on some sort of auto pilot by now).

I went in to see her and I had to walk out again, I just couldnt cope with it, and found it so very difficult.

Hospital told us to go home (to my mums house), and the signs were optimistic that in a couple of days she could be brought out of the coma and would make a full recovery.

We called the hospital the next morning, to be told there was no change and go up at 1pm to chat with the doctor.

At 1pm we saw the doctor who said that she wasnt responding to any of the treatment, and they would give it another 24 hours before making a decision. Obviously that decision meant switching everything off.

I still couldnt sit there with my mum as it was just so frightening for me, all the tubes, and the drugs had made her body swell up. I was shaking and in hysterics, so we went for a drive. An hour after leaving the hospital they phoned us and said "we have made a decision" :(

She had rapidly deteriorated and her whole body was shutting down. They explained what would happen, and asked if I would like to stay while she died. I couldnt do it. I just could NOT do it. I went over to her, gave her a kiss, said "I love you mum", and went up to my dads grave in the cemetary and sat there until the hospital rang to say she had passed away.

Was that the right thing? I really dont know, but it felt right to me at that time.

Good luck Shell. Don't feel bad. We all react in different ways, sometimes it's all just too much xxx

Bubblewrapped, I'm so sorry. What an awful thing to go through.

Thanks Fiammi, it was, and I dont really talk about it much, it was only 2 years ago and still hurts a lot. I just want Shell to know that it is a normal reaction that she is having, and not to beat herself up over it.

I agree - dont beat yourself up. I watched my strapping 6ft 4 brother die from lung cancer and by the end he looked like the pictures you see of those poor people who came out of the concentration camps.

The only reason I went day after miserable day right to the end and long after he hardly knew or probably cared who was there was because my brother had no family or partner and our parents are very elderly so he would have been completely alone and I couldnt bear that.

It left me completely physically mentally and emotionally drained after he passed away and yet I was so pleased for him the day he died - an end finally to his suffering. I was almost on a high and thought this is going to be a doddle (getting over my brothers death) after watching him suffer for so long. My DH was so worried about me as he admitted later. Then the grief hit me after a couple of days and I felt so guilty - how could I have felt happy about my brother dying ?

So you see whichever category you fall into - rather remember them as they were - or hold a bedside vigil till the last moment - you still can feel terrible guilt.

But your gran has other family members visiting so is not alone so dont beat yourself up. We are all different and it doesnt make any of us better or worse - whether we can handle it and stay by the bedside or would rather remember someone as they were. The important thing is you obviously had a good relationship with your gran and she will be in no doubt how you feel about her.

Take good care of yourself and be a bit kinder to yourself - your gran would understand and would not want you upset I'm sure.

I can relate to that Suda. Watching my dad die from cancer was horrific. I remember the night before he died, saying "why cant this just hurry up"... I just couldnt bear seeing my mum in such distress, (my dad was drugged up so much that he wasnt in pain or aware of it)

My mum always said after this (she nursed him throughout and wouldnt let him go into a hospice, and she was utterly exhausted), that she hoped when her time came it would be quick and painless. So when she died, I took comfort in that she died the way she wanted, which I suppose is the ultimate thing anyone can ever ask for.

I felt very alone after my mum died. I had my husband and his mum, who were both incredibly supportive, but being an only child, it really did feel like all the pressure was on me, I had to make all the decisions and organise everthing. It reinforced my lifelong yearning for a sibling.