Irrational jealousy

[DitzyLiz]

I have a history of being overly and irrationally jealous with partners in the past and also with current DP. Normally I don't discuss it because I'm aware that my concerns are unjustified and have believed these feelings would stop in time.

It has gotten to the extent that now when DP is texting or talking to friends I have this little voice telling me 'that's another woman', and I am ashamed that I have started to check his phone (although have not found anything other than innocent communication).

This morning i woke up to an empty bed and immediately thought 'I bet he has gone to meet another woman as soon as I went to sleep'. Once I had woken up a bit I remembered he was working today and was downstairs making breakfast.

Oh dear, reading this makes me sound like I should be on the jeremy kyle show!

Thing is, I do realise there is a problem, I just don't know what to do about it. I've never (to my knowledge) been cheated on and am treated really well by DP who has never given me a reason to worry about infidelity.

I discussed my feelings with him for the first time today and he was very supportive and reassuring but it's so tiring to feel this way.

He suggested I 'put it on that forum you go on and see if anybody else has overcame feelings like this', so I guess what Im asking is has anybody else ever felt this way and if so how did you go about changing the way you feel?

This all seems to be your insecurity, which you would probably agree with.

How long have you been together? Is this longer or shorter than previous relationships? and were you cheated on or hurt badly in those previous relationships.

Blimey, I wish we had more posts from communicative & supportive couples like you :)

If you've always had this fear, chances are it comes from your parents. Was your dad a bit of a player? You might have to think about him in a different light to approach that question, but have a think back. Is your mum insecure in her relationship? We learn everything about adult relationships from our parents, including unhelpful messages like "all men cheat". Perhaps you could identify a few of your parents' or grandparents' sayings, which may have sunk into your impressionable mind as a child.

The reason I ask about the length of your relationship is that it could be a sort of mental block, and once you get past the same length of time that you were with previous boyfriends, you will relax a bit and not be as anxious.

I sort of had a 2 yr relationship then another, then another.. it seemed to last that long then end, for various reasons, and once I was with my husband and we went past the 2 year mark, and he became my longest lasting relationship, it all felt a bit better if that makes sense..

We have been together for 18 months, and lived together for 6 of those.

Before this DP I was in a relationship with somebody for 6 years.

I sort of thought about the reaching milestones making me feel better, like telling myself 'once im married' etc, but Im worried this will not be the case as I do feel stable in my relationship at present so think this should be enough. But obviously it isnt.

Its interesting that my dad was mentioned. He is in fact a serial adulterer who completed ruined my poor mother and has continued his affairs within his second marriage. I didnt disclose this originally as I didnt want to appear to be making excuses for my behaviour.

I do believe that all men have cheating in them, and that for those that don't actually carry it out it's merely lack of opportunity etc.

I guess you're right in that it's most likely my dad's actions that have embedded this belief in me, I'm just not sure where to go from here.

I know that 'get some counselling' is often seen as a kind of catch-all answer, but you might well find it helpful. Not least because you're aware that you have a problem and that it's your problem so you are going to be willing to work with a counsellor.
Best of luck, and congratulations on being willing to address this issue rather than blaming everyone else for it.

Well said, SGB.

Liz, I think you could knock this on the head fairly quickly with a bit of outside help. You've instantly identified the source of your issue - that's not an excuse, it's a reason, which is a different thing. If you could find yourself a decent psychotherapist and present the problem as you did in your post at 00:43, you'd most likely have it dealt with in half a dozen sessions :)

Congratulations on your self awareness!

Yes i do think that I would benefit from some counselling. What sort of counselling service should i look at? Would relate be helpful or is that mainly for couples?

Relate by yourself would be appropriate. In your case, though, I'd go for a proper psycotherapist (look on the BACP website) as you already know it's an embedded childhood issue. Relate counsellors are trained, but not in the same way.

Try talking to a few counsellors and pick one you feel you trust on this matter :)

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/1142616-Ex-girlfriends-irrational-jealousy

I just wrote a long couple of posts on this on another thread - I have linked to it here - its called 'ex girlfriends irrational jealousy'

Basically - please believe you can get help for this, as I said on the other thread, this all stems from insecurities in your childhood - what is called 'hyper vigilance ' - your mind is trying to protect you by constantly looking out for threats/ possible sources of pain and hurt and the fear that you are going to be abandoned.

go the BACP website and get proper therapy - it really is worth every penny.

I used to suffer from this and have completely eradicated it from my life - I honestly would not have believed it to be possible - but you need to unpick the source of your anxieties back to your childhood where they were created - then build up a new set of more positive beliefs.

and - I want to add - I know exactly how you feel - it sounds crazy when you write down your paranoias - but it's a pattern that your mind has developed in order to keep you safe.

Of course the sad truth is it isn't keeping you safe it's driving you up the wall - but don't be hard on yourself it's not your fault.

Prepare for the therapy by having a good look back at your childhood/ relationship with your father and thinking of where the cause of this is.

sorry - one last thought - you say 'all men have cheating in them' - that is exactly what I thought because my dad was like yours. it's NOT TRUE. Most men are not like this - most men believe in commitment and staying with one person no matter what temptation throws in their path.

All men are not your father - have that therapy and you will realise this I promise x

Oh I have been here too and put my DH through hell with jealousy for a long time after we got together. My first husband did cheat on me and I divorced him for adultery. I had counselling after we separated and genuinely thought I had overcome any issues to do with his behaviour.
However, after I got together with what's now DH2 I was the same as you. When he went to see friends I was convinced he was seeing another woman, I checked his phone, went thru his wallet, questioned him constantly and was a total emotional wreck. To this day I am amazed that he stuck around because he couldn't do anything without me suspecting him of wrongdoing.

We had to have a relationship of total honesty because the one time he lied by omission (he borrowed money from a friend to take me for a birthday dinner and didn't say anything but I found out), I was ready to end the relationship.

Now, 7 years on things are much better. He has been very patient and from what OP's partner is saying it sounds like he may be the same. He doesn't have anything to hide and really wants you to overcome this issue. Good luck x

Liz

re your comment:-

"Its interesting that my dad was mentioned. He is in fact a serial adulterer who completed ruined my poor mother and has continued his affairs within his second marriage"

Well that is why you are like as you are now; your Dad has a hell of a lot to answer for. This is why you think that all men have a cheating ability in them (they do not actually) but you think this because your Dad is a serial adulterer. We learn about relationships first and foremost from our parents, your Dad in particular taught you some damaging lessons.

Jealousy and low self esteem are also linked.

BACP have a list of counsellors and will not charge the earth. I would think that counselling will be of great benefit to you otherwise you will continue to repeat the same old mindset which does not keep you safe but emotionally harms you instead. Br brave and tackle this issue head on now through counselling. You will likely feel a llot happier as a result.

Nothing to add to the fabulous advice given here but I also used to suffer from this and, with some therapy and getting older and gaining confidence, I am now pretty much cured. It's worth seeking help for this.

Thank you everyone for taking the time to post. I half expected to be told im a complete nutter so its really nice to hear others have felt the same!

The comment re 'hyper vigilence' really makes sense and also the comments relating to my dad. Iv been reluctant to attribute my feelings to him as it opens up a whole can of worms but I do believe that the first step of overcoming these feelings is understanding them.

Had a look at the BACP website and found somebody really close to me and actually its more affordable than I had thought.