Another MIL one, sorry

[jayneymac]

You are probably sick of MIL threads at this stage. I am a regular under a different name as my DH knows my old name.

I could do with some advice / perspective on my MIL. The view from outside is that we get on well, I am the dutiful DIL, she is doting granny. On the inside there is quite a bit of resentment, on both sides I now realise. Before I get accused of MIL bashing I want to say that I could not ever ask for a better grandmother, she is kind, willing to help, generous to the kids. I have child from previous relationship who she treats as her own. As a MIL it is a different story. It has only dawned on my recently that she can't let my husband go. We are together 9 years. In the start it didn't seem as bad, but the signs were there.

If we were doing anything 'legal' (do do with house etc) she would take it upon herself to ring solicitor.

On our wedding day, she pretended to be sick, music had to be delayed, ambulance called (she got better fairly fast when she realised this and it was cancelled). She changed into track suit bottoms and t-shirt and danced the night away. Everyone knew she was faking (except my DH. On the wedding dvd you can see her giving me evil eyes everytime I am near my DH

I have had comments about my weight, family and appearance (but not severe enough for me to pull her up on it without looking like the one with a problem).

Lately though it seems to have gotten to the stage where I can't deal with it. We moved house which happens to be beside some of my husbands family. There is a right of way to which we would have been entitled (but it hasn't been used in about 50 years). DH has had a falling out with these relations over purchase of this house. So I advised him to let it go so as to keep the peace and maybe build bridges between them, as we would have no use for it anyway. She rang me and said that she advised DH to ring the council and report his relation. I asked her to let it go, we had enough trouble already, and she hung up on me.

During the above dispute between DH and family, she totally backed him, even when he was in the wrong. When I was trying to be peacemaker, she was the one whispering into his ear about how unfair relations were being to him etc.

She called in last week, and said something about how he had his tea in her house and added "He's my son, he might be your husband, but he was my son first" {insert big fake laugh here}. This line actually was the one that summed it all up for me really.

We are trying to do some renvoations on the house, and she keeps ringing him for stupid little things. Yesterday she rang and said she had a bad pain all day and needed to be brought to the doctor. DH went over and when he got there she announced that she was fine and didn't need to go. Shes gone to visit family today (2 hour drive) so pain must be gone . She has had falls e.g. she fell and claimed to have broken ribs, went to the doctor who wanted to send her for an X-Ray which she refused. She needed DH over every day to light her fire but was able to continue with her bingo every night though.

Any holiday we went on we got calls to come back - FIL very sick {he wasn't}, her dog is on heat needs to be brought to male dog (I kid you not). We came back first couple of times then I dug my heels in and said no way

She has two other DC's to whom she has departed over a quarter of a million . DH never got a penny (excuse was her husband was the one who was "the boss" and she didn't have a say - he never got on with his father. I am so thankful we never got anything because anything we have is our own. But wen FIL died she asked my DH for the price of the funeral. We were due some money (approx £1000) but the cheque came in her name (Dhs business is based on her premises) and she kept it. I raised it with DH and instead of saying it to her he kept his mouth shut to keep the peace.

Before I get beaten up can I just add that she is not a lonely little old lady. She has a new car, she is out 5-6 nights a week at different things. There is never a "big" thing that she does, but it just seems like a drip, drip that is wearing me down. I dislike myself at this stage because I am allowing it to go on. I have never been nasty to anyone, its pathetic enough but I like to be liked. I have never had a problem with anyone in my life, I have friends and family who I get on great with. But at this stage I can't put up with it.

I don't want to hurt my DH, I love him with all my heart. I think it all stems from his childhood - as mentioned before he never got on with his father, father used to control him with his fists - the other two were golden haired children. I think my DH feels "grateful" to his mother that she loved him (but from my point of view I'd like to know why she allowed his father to abuse him like he did). I have no doubt in my mind that my DH needs counselling but it is not something he would consider.

Apologies for the long, long post, but when I got started it all came spilling out. I would be grateful if anyone could please tell me how to deal with her without my mental health suffering.

And the prize for the longest, most boring thread on mumsnet goes to...

Op I feel very sorry for your situation it must be hard My mil was similar but we dont speak anymore. I think you need to start being stricter and not letting her run all over you.

Next time she rings up ill why not tell DH you are not busy and will go and take care of her, if she cannot get her son she might stop doing it.

Crawling thanks for your reply, my toes were curling here with embarassment about the length of the post! I get what you are saying about going over, but I don't know if it would make her worse - I can see her faking an illness bad enough for him to have to stay until she got better.

Unless I go over and really do "take care of her" (in a roll up my sleeves and throttle her kind of way)

Yes that is kind of what I was thinking, make her lie down and do nothing but give her no attention (that is why she is doing this) read a book do cleaning anything but giving her attention, it will get worse but you will need to keep making sure she is not rewarded,(I am evil and if it got worse would suggest to her that if she is this ill perhaps she needs a nursing home I am sure she would soon stop) .

On a serious note I suggest speaking to your partner about how hard and stressful she is making life for you. I take it you have tried? what did he say? no need to worry about the long post.

Really sorry to read about your situation. Am I missing something or is your DH not really backing you when she says or does something nasty or inappropriate?

I had a similar (not as bad, thankfully!) situation with my own MIL where it was many tiny little things, that on their own would have made me look like an over-sensitive neurotic if I pulled her up about them at each occasion, but over time it built up into a really big thing and sadly I'm now looking for things that she says that are 'off', if that makese sense?!

Do you tell your DH everything or hold it back in case it sounds as though you're constantly bitching about his mum?

I can't really offer anything but sympathy, but maybe if you can answer those questions, someone wise will be along with advice soon!

One of the best pieces of advice I received on here, and I think it's a MN staple is, when MIL anyone says something out of order "That sounded very rude. Did you mean it to?" Simple but very effective!

Im really sorry to be harsh here but your problem is not with your mil-its with your dh. You should be his number one priority and he should be telling his mother this(sorry but she sounds vile).
You really need to lay it on the line with dh that you wont tolerate her behaviour any longer(you do have my sympathy as have mil ishoos myself!).

Hi,

You have my sympathies. I also have toxic inlaws myself.

She sounds like a typical toxic parent, now toxic grandmother. She isn't all that wonderful I daresay to your children either if she is treating you, her DIL, like this.
She would have acted exactly the same though regardless of whom your H had married. It is her issue, you did not make her this way (her own childhood likely has a lot to do with how she is now).

I would suggest you read "Toxic Inlaws" written by Susan Forward as that will be a good starting point for you. All of this woman's actions are classic toxic parent type stuff (the fake illnesses are characteristic as well of such people). If like many people you have yourself come from a family where such inherent dysfunction is unknown, it is doubly difficult to deal with.

Such dysfunctional damaged people (she mainly acted as the bystander within that family unit when your H was small out of self preservation and want of a quiet life) will never apologise nor take responsibility for their actions. Your H was the scapegoat within that particular family unit but being a "golden child" is not without price or condition either. MIL has those two well under her control. She is more than happy to give you a list of your own supposed shortcomings.

I would also suggest you post on the Stately Homes thread on these pages and ask them for their advice too.

It may be an idea for your DH to now separate his business from his mother's rental premises.

What about writing a list for yourself of the changes you would like to see in her and your relationship with her - and then looking through them for which ones are realistic and are within your power to control.

Her personality is not going to change - and you are stuck with her in your life. So part of what might have to change is your approach to her. You say you like to be liked - of course you do - but perhaps with her you need to find a sense of acceptance that she is who she is. It's okay not to like her! Look ahead and see that she will always be like this - and work on how that can be made bearable.

Your DH's situation sounds a sad one, with all that abuse - could you sit down and tell him that while you accept his mum for who she is and you will always be supportive of their relationship you need some things to change? And that you would like him to support you in limiting her damaging behaviour?

I would also give your DH a copy of "Toxic Parents" written by the same author as he will find them both within those pages.

His primary loyalty is now to you his wife, not his mother and he needs to be told this fact. Whether he would be able to actually stand up to her though is another matter entirely. I don't think he can do so at present because he is afraid of her, she could easily cut him off (something he is likely to be afraid of) and is therefore not strong enough.

Unfortunately people who have been conditioned (and he has been conditioned by both his parents) to accept such dysfunctional treatment as "normal" can take a very long time to realise how awful their childhood actually was along how much at fault both his parents were for putting him through it. Both his parents let him down abjectedly.

Thank you all so much for your replies. I have just this moment ordered Toxic In Laws on ebay, coming from USA. I did a personal development course (am not into that sort of thing really but it was something to get me out of the house as am SAHM now as job ended after maternity leave) and one thing that stood out is that while I can't change her (or anyone else) I can change the way I deal with her. Easier said than done though!

I also accept that my DH has to share some of the blame in this. In saying that, things have got better in the last couple of years, in that instead doing as she bids immediately, he holds back a bit (but still not enough). She saves all the big comments for when he is not there - one example is where she told me she wouldn't transfer business into my DHs name as "he could get married and she would leave us homeless" (he was 38 and with me 6 years at this stage so fairly obvious he would marry me, and the "us" she was referring to was her and him). I did raise this with my husband and she had told him a different version where the solicitor had advised her to ago about things in such a way. So she wasn't actually telling him lies but she was telling it a different way IYKWIM.

In the start it used to cause major rows between us, to the extent that I realised that if I just didn't put up with some of her shit I would lose my marriage. And it did come close to it. I found that the more I went on about it to my DH the worse it was and the more I was pushing him away. I hate the emotional hold she has over him (thats the only way I can describe it) and I don't like to say too much because I do realise that she is his mother and he loves her.

I felt guilty when I submitted the first post, for speaking so badly of her. She has lots of good points, she would do anything for DH or the kids (and probably for me too). But the negatives outweigh the positives at the moment. Its just something I am getting hard to deal with.

I skimmed through the first post and it makes us sound like we are all bloody loaded . Unfortunately it is a case of a business suffering badly in the recession (like most others) and us trying to swim while we have concrete round our ankles

Also if anyone else posts, I may not get back on to reply - I am going to a friends house for dinner and its my first night out in about a year so I will take ages to get something to fit me to get ready

Your MIL is getting away with this because she is being allowed to. Your husband needs to put his foot down. I know its his mum and he may not want to but tell him its putting a strain on your relationship. How about just you and her have a little chat? Ring her up and take her out for a coffee. Take her out though and pay for it. Tell her how she is making you feel in a nice way. Try not to lose it with her though. Chances are she will keep her cool anyway as she will be out in the public. Tell your husband what you plan to do. Also does your husband tell her everything to do with you both because if he does he is mostly to blame here.