Sick and tired of it!

[bloodyannoyed]

My dh is driving me crazy.

I do love him, but am finding him very moany and whiney at the moment.

We have one ds who is 15 months. He has recently started to sleep through. We had always said we would ttc for around a two year age gap. Both of us want 3 children - dh in particular (there were 3 in his family).

Anyway, he is really dragging his heels. What is annoying me is how absolutely whingey he is about "sleep deprivation". Ds is still bfing, so I have always put him to sleep and dealt with him at night. I can't see how in God's earth it's been so hard for him?

We went away for the weekend (family do) last week and one thing led to another.. he had no protection (his responsibility) and I made it clear to him I was mid-cycle. But he said: "hey, why not..?" and that was that.

Now he is FREAKING abut the possibility of me being pregnant and I am PISSED OFF! I can't see why, for one reason. He keeps chuntering on about "sleep" and how it would be better to have a 2.5 year age gap as though that would make some sort of huge difference. Secondly, it took us a while to get pregnant last time, I am 33 and I don't want the child-making years to knock out my whole career. He doesn't see this as being relevant, as far as I can see. I don't see to what extent having a baby with a 2, 2.3 or 2.5 age gap really could have on us? He isn't saying he doesn't want another - he wants another TWO. He just wants "some life back" first! . What the hell does that mean? He has had a weekend in Amsterdam, goes out a few times a month, has a few stags coming up.. why would me being pregnant change things? He is also muttering on about how we will never have sex again with two.

I took so much care to hear out his concerns initially but now they seem like whinging for the sake of it. I am starting to really dislike him which will not be good if I am pregnant! I also worry about how he will be if I am. So I guess we have to delay ttcing - so he gets his sodding way.

GRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR!

He is currently not speaking to me as I had a go at him for not doing something he said he would and this turned into a list of all the things I haven't done in the last sodding five years.

It's not good.

I can see many of your points, but from the way you have written your post you don't really seem to be considering your OHs feelings at all in your plans. Having children is just as emotionally difficult and draining for the father as the mother, the 'losing' their youth, financial responsibilities, sleep deprivation, their wife/partner now prioritising being a mum, young children are just not as interesting to their fathers often especially at the young, breastfed, dependent on mum stage. I am sorry, but I feel sorry for your OH and can't help thinking that maybe you need to put a little less energy into babymaking and a bit more into rebuilding your relationship.

so he went ahead and had sex with you anyway? and you didnt want to??

please elaborate there as i'm having difficulty just getting past that part of your post.......

I don't think he does want anymore to be honest
what harm will it do to wait six months and then start ttc? Nagging him and being all obsessed and resentful will kill off your relationship
he's obviously not very happy at the moment
maybe plan some nice things together, nights out etc to rekindle the romance first

Ilovetiffany - she didn't say she didn't want to have sex with him!

I think you need to listen to him a bit. You're not considering his feelings, yes, you might have previously agreed about a 2 year age gap but maybe this was before you had kids? He might not have realised how draining it can be. On this flip side I can see how this might be frustrating, but don't let it ruin your relationship.

I think you both need to learn to communicate a bit more.

We were mid-fight, I was frustrated and venting.

I don't think our relationship is in that bad a state, to be honest. After 12 years together, I won't be writing the eulogy for our marriage based on my frustration during one fight!

However, I am amazed that my post has garnered such sympathy for him based on what I wrote re: I am not considering his feelings? Ultimately, I think if he chooses to have sex without a condom with me when I have spelled out that I am mid-cycle and that I want to have a baby, that's his responsibility and choice.. and if he then starts saying how awful it would be if we had a baby, that's unreasonable of him. I say that in a logical, generic sense: I am not feeling angry about it now, or bitter, I just feel (after the heat has died down from the argument) that it still has validity as a point in all of this.

I think to do so wasn't really considering my feelings, to be honest, and I was mad. We have spoken about this today and to be honest, he agreed with me! He says he doesn't feel that negative about having a child at all. I have said that I don't want him to spend as much time flagging up the potential downsides (e.g. maybe less than 20 times a day). Voila, communication. Incidentally, he is a born procrastinator anyway and we have had this with pretty much every life decision but we did buy a car (after five years), buy a house (after seven) and get married (after ten). Without discussion about it, I wonder.. he has been having discussions about a) changing jobs and b) doing some further training for the last 12 years and is still procrastinating. I think he finds making a decision hard and can put things off for very minor reasons without considering the longer-term picture (e.g. what "no action" will mean for him or for us). Normally, it's just one of those quirks that doesn't bother me.. but sometimes I think he needs a kick up the arse. Today was one of them.

In a general sense, I am amazed at some of the responses. I think that having a disagreement about something within a marriage is not "nagging" and I would seriously hope that after so many years together we should be able to have a disagreement without fearing it would kill off the relationship - but I have to ask, why do women always have to put their needs and desires second? Again, if he said "no, I don't want to have a child" that would be one thing.. but he is saying "yes, I will have unprotected sex with you when you are mid-cycle (for two months in a row, no less!) and between cycles complain about how awful it would be if you were pregnant".

Not really sure why women would think this was a reasonable stance when it didn't take much of an argument for him to say: "God, yeah, when you put it like that..."