Help! We're turning into a reverse stereotype!

[Lizum]

We seem to be turning into the stereotype couple - the housewife complaining the husband doesn't do enough to help out, that he comes home from work too often (about once a week), that she doesn't feel appreciated etc....

The slight wrinkle is that I'm the breadwinner and my husband is the "housewife". How can I convince him that he's appreciated?

Also, my career's important to me and does mean that I have to go to meetings in other cities or work late. I'm also on the local committee of my profession's institute. I try to limit coming home late (8/9 pm) to once a week at the most. I can't be just a wage slave. Am I being unresonable?

Would a woman be unreasonable if she said that to a man in the reverse position?

No.

Yes, you are being unreasonable.

So I should just work 9-5 and tell my bosses I can't work on jobs that take me out of the office?

"the housewife complaining the husband doesn't do enough to help out, that he comes home from work too often (about once a week)"

your DH complains that you only come home once a week? i think he has apoint to be fair

tbh i dont think one late night a week is that unreasonable. it isn't every night. i presume you are pulling your weight at home when you are there?

Does your dh do anything - go out etc - on the evenings that you are home?

Being physically tied to the home can make you feel really unappreciated and isolated -

Do you do your fair share at home in the evenings? how do you divide the workload in the evening?

Sorry - should have read "comes home from work LATE too often". I haven't spent a night away since DS was born over 2 years ago!

Meant to say how do you divide the workload at the weekend?

How long as your dh been a SAHD?

At weekends, I look after DS, did the shopping (just started getting it delivered, it's worth spending £3.50 not to have to go to supermarket and spend more time at home), do some washing, cleaning, cooking etc. whilst DH works on his own business.

He was made redundant when DS was 7mths old and I went back to work when he was 8mths, so its been over 18 months now.

When I get home from work I look after DS, give him his "mummy milk" and get him to bed. AS I'm usually late for work in the morning, I then do some work at home to make up for it. Sometimes I'll get round to doing some housework.

I try to encourage DH to go out at the weekend but I think he gets kind of agrophobic and he usually wants to work instead or spend some time with me as he works evenings on his business.

Perhaps he's starting to miss being in a working environment - and if he became a SAHD as a result of redundancy this could feel like a 'forced' situation - even it is one that he wholly agreed to.

Would he have been a SAHD even if he hadn't been made redundant?

It must be hard for him to spend all week looking after ds and then all weekend working on his own business - he isn't actually getting a break at anytime and probably feels pressure to make the new business work to build up his own sense of identity.

If its causing difficulties in your relationship perhaps you could both review the current arrangements - how about ds going to nursery for a day a week to give your dh a bit more time to work on his business so you get more time together as family at weekends?

My DH works long hours, but when he's here he's completely hands-on. He gets a pass in the night (unless there's something that needs both of us) but always makes sure I get a lie-in on the weekends.

I've also adjusted my expectations. He does all he can, I'm not going to ask him to go around making beds or other non-essential tasks, I'm not going to ask him to stop going to the gym. And we have a cleaner once a week.

So two things: first, make sure he has a break, whether it's at the weekend or on a weeknight. If he makes a guy date or wants to go to the gym, can you get home on time? Second, he may need a reality check. There is only so much one person can do in a day, is he asking too much from you?

The situation has been hard for both of us as it was forced.

I've suggested nursery a few times but he
doesn't want to put DS in childcare yet. I've also suggested he looks for a job. It seems that whatever solutions I propose, he just shoots down. I'm not sure how much longer I can take the negativity. The thing is he loves looking after DS - it's the housework that he hates.

Get a cleaner. Introduce him to flylady. I also hate cleaning and DH is worse (raised by wolves) and seriously, a cleaner saved our marriage.

Every week, I fly around and tidy things up, cleaner comes and does the bathroom, makes the beds, cleans the floors etc. I can keep the house decent between times and it forces me to keep things organized. I'm a lot happier and so is DH because I'm not nagging him about picking up.

Who or what is flylady?