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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Ex girlfriends & irrational jealousy

48 replies

knitknack · 04/02/2011 17:57

I've been with my DH for 14 months now, and we've been married for 3. He's wonderful, the love of my life, the husband of my dreams that I never imagined I'd actually meet. He's a loving, supportive husband and a fabulous step-father to my dcs, I should be (and at times am) delirious with happiness!

Instead, however, I'm suffering from completely irrational fear/jealousy/pain over his ex-girlfriends :( I just don't understand myself and it frustrates me SO much - life is so short and I'm well aware that I should be making the most of every lovely minute of it... but the pain and sadness that i feel when I think of them is very real, despite all of this.

I don't really mention it, (and if I ever do he's totally supportive) so it's not that I'm niggling on at him and endangering our relationship. But I AM suffering on a regular basis and I'm really getting quite sick of it now! I know I should really get some CBT, but it's not easy to get time to do that with my job (I'm a teacher). And I know that my probs are most likely linked to growing up in an unintentionally emotionally abusive household (my dad had then-undiagnosed aspergers)...

DH has a lots of photos of his exes, he's passionate about photographing his life, then and now, and has said before how important his photographs are to him. I've SO stupidly sneaked a quick look in the past and now those images haunt me - and yes, I've reminded myself that people generally tend to photograph the good times and not the bad... but how do I erase those images (sometimes of fairly intimate moments!) from my mind? More importantly, how do I rid myself of this 'condition' (whatever it is)... gosh I sound like such a nutter! arghhhh

I'd love to hear some words of wisdom, I just don't understand myself!

OP posts:
chosenonesparklyglitterybow · 07/02/2011 11:10

Wow this thread has been amazing - looked on the bacp website myself. I do the playing like a film in my mind too. weirdly Im not thatbad with my DP's ex as he seems soooo over her and I know they had a poor sex life. My problems are with his past of promisciusness in his twenties. he was single for 4 years and certainly made the most of it (I remember him back then)

We have talked about it endlessly and he felt it was something he wanted to do as a single lad in his twenties. He is adamant it all changed when he met his last partner 12 years ago. He feels its out of his system but I obsess over people he had sex with 15/16 years ago!! Mine definately seems more linked to sex??? At Xmas he even said 'you're the love of my life, ive only ever loved two other women but that doesn't seem to matter'- I just want to give into that trust and feel level headed.

waterrat · 07/02/2011 11:34

sparkly - I know exactly what you mean about 'giving in to trust' - thats what you have to do! It's like jumping off a cliff i know....I felt exactly the same - like I was falling if I believed what my partner was saying.

In the end - the questioning from you will have to stop - it's good to talk openly with your partner, but he sounds wonderful and you will need to take the steps to move forward to trust him yourself.

I really do recommend the therapy - you don't need to have these obsessive thoughts. Like I said, your mind thinks you need to be on alert all the time - but seriously, your partners past is over now -

Think about it - do you think constantly about sex with your exes? why would he?

One thing that helped me on a practical level was every time I had a paranoid thought - I thought to myself, how would i feel if he thought that about me/ asked me that question - it was usually a good indicator of whether it was a fair thing to ask etc. ie. 'do you fancy your friend/ do you think abou tyour ex' I would hate to be mistrusted like that or have my partner not believe in me. So I kept doing that and eventually it just became more natural not to worry.

But - I can't know what your past is - we are all different and you will have underlying beliefs in your mind that are leading to this anxiety - so it's up to you to unravel them.

Don't let this spoil your relationship - he sounds loving and perfect - go and resolve your own fears. You say you have talked about it endlessly - I think now you need to look inside yourself for the resolution. He is the supportive partner you need to do this with - but in the end the work has to come from you looking into your own past.

Basically - the answer to anxiety isn't 'seek constant reassurance ' it's trust. That's a scary thing to realise. ie. Trust means letting go of your fears not giving in to them by seeking reassurance all the time.

seshi · 07/02/2011 12:15

I am absolutely fascinated by this thread as I too have suffered from jealousy for years and it has nearly broken up my marriage. We have just got back together after a three week trial seperation and my husbands biggest beef is that I need to let go of my jealousy and trust him. My behaviour has been appalling. He isn;t allowed to talk about exes, I made him bin all of his photos of them when we first got back together (we split for 5 years before we got back and married) , I am obsessed by women at work fancying him etc etc. When I look at it rationally I know I am bonkers but I just get this awful rage and fear inside of me. Thank for starting this thread and making me feel like I am not the only one with this problem. I too want to 'cure' myself of this problem and I think this is the first practical step. Thank you :)

Madwithjealousy · 07/02/2011 12:21

Waterrat I'm probably not the best person to ask as I have just discovered that my XP had been unfaithful with his ex. Ironically, finding out the truth wasn't as bad as the feelings of jealousy and insecurity I had been experiencing.

On this occasion my fears were confirmed but I know it goes much deeper than that and I want to rid myself of this problem so that I can have a healthy relationship in the future. Thanks again; I do need to look at everything very hard !

Madwithjealousy · 07/02/2011 12:24

seshi I feel your pain, it all sounds so familiar to me and it's an awful place to be. Sad

This thread has given me hope though Smile

seshi · 07/02/2011 12:37

Me too. Nearly losing my marriage has been such a wake up call to me. Its so good to talk with people who have been or are going through the same thing though. There has been some excellent advice on here tho - I have hope now too. I am going to show my DH this when I get home as well

ItsGraceAgain · 07/02/2011 12:42

This is just a fan post for waterrat :)
KnitKnack, I hope you're feeling optimistic and finding a therapist! You don't have to live with this.

knitknack · 07/02/2011 13:33

I think Waterrat deserves our adoration! :)

I am feeling SO optimistic, it's a brilliant feeling... Also, being able to show this thread to my DH has been amazing.

Waterrat: that's a fantastic technique (reversing the thoughts) and as you say immediately puts them into perspective!

OP posts:
kepler10b · 07/02/2011 15:21

knitknack - do you not have any exes yourself? maybe you haven't taken pictures with them but didn't you have experiences with them similar to the images that haunt you in your partners albums? if so - should your partner be jealous of that? or would that be ridiculous because it is him you love now? and would the exes even be interested or have they also moved on?

try turning the situation around to look at it from a different point of view as that might help to give you a more healthy perspective.

waterrat · 07/02/2011 22:48

aw thanks grace and knitknack! I am a little evangelical about therapy because tackling this issue head on really did transform my life - I can't overestimate how much it changed things for me. I had no idea when I started just what would happen....

....knitknack it sounds like you have a lovely partner which must be the best first step...I think a lot of people who suffer from jealousy end up with nasty men unfortunately ....did you keep it inside you a lot ?

Seshi - honestly, there really are practical steps. I think the first thing you need to do is take a deep breath and decide to trust your husband - and trust means letting go of all the things you do to try and control what you see as threats. YOu will never stop him cheating by worrying - you have to make a clear headed decision about whether he is a good man, then have faith in him. Treat him as you would like to be treated.

Maybe set yourself a test - a month where you bite your tongue every time you want to niggle at him or question him ( I did this myself). Say to yourself you are going to just firmly send the thought from your mind and remind yourself that niggling away at him with constant questions doesn't help you feel better. YOu will ask the question - then you will feel worse - guarunteed! I think after a month you will see that you actually feel calmer.

I totally know what you mean about people at work - that used to torment me. But you just have to believe that people do not spend most of their time thinking about sex! And so what if someone fancies him - he loves you, the odd woman finding him attractive is just a sign that you have a good man. If he is a man who understands boundaries you dont need to worry.

And - also - more fundamentally - he could be struck by lightening but you don't worry about that all day long do you? We have to accept we can't control every aspect of life - so we can live without all this anxiety.

  • meanwhile, get that therapy! I bet that when your husband sees you working on this he will be really supportive...he just needs to know you want to change.

Madwithjealousy - im sorry to hear that about your partner. Do you think there is a possibility that you are drawn to this man because you have low expectations of men generally? sorry if that is an intrusive question - but if you have low self confidence and assume all men are bastards...you are more likely to end up with a bastard unfortunately.

An important step in getting rid of jealousy in your life is to have clear boundaries and a good sense of your own self worth - that way you know nobody can f**k you around.

Trust doesn't equal blind faith - it has to be matched to a strong sense of what is acceptable behaviour from a partner.

waterrat · 07/02/2011 22:59

sorry MWJ just saw it was your ex not your partner - glad he is gone. Some men are arseholes unfortunately - part of getting rid of all this anxiety is avoiding them and believing that not all men are like that - so that you can actually find the right lovely man for you.

ItsGraceAgain · 07/02/2011 23:13

I just want to chuck a wet blanket on all this 'can-do' glory - not for you, knitknack, but because lots of readers never post and may take away a single message. I also had mistrust issues, also did (am doing) therapy, and also questioned myself painfully over what my husbands defined as pathological jealousy.

Waterrat touched on this - my emotional confusions led (inevitably, in my case) to relationships with men who actually were secretive, dishonest and unfaithful. The therapy was/is still necessary for me to unravel the peculiar belief system bestowed on me by my parents. But my jealousy wasn't irrational.

If you're feeling very insecure & jealous, seeing a counsellor (not for CBT, but proper psychotherapy) will help you towards a healthier set of beliefs and MUCH better judgement! I just didn't want anyone, whose partner is making them jealous, to buy into the lie that it's all their own problem. As waterrat said above, trust doesn't equal blind faith :)

usedtobeyoung · 07/02/2011 23:55

Grace your post is really significant to me. I have been thinking about this thread all day.

I have a history of choosing really crap men. In fact my DP now cheated on me for a long time and much as I love him and we now have 2 DC together (didn't at the time) I know deep down that the reason I stayed was my own self esteem issues. The really sad thing is he was the first man I have ever trusted, but the fact that he cheated brought me back to square one, and truly I may never forgive that.

That is what scares me about taking the leap into therapy because I?m not sure that if I develop my self esteem that I will still want him as much IYSWIM.

I know that my Jealousy is part learned in childhood and partly from my adult relationships.

So I completely understand what you are saying about the jealousy not necessarily being irrational, at least not in my case.

(Can I also say grace that I slightly hero worship you after the Thatcher thread).

waterrat · 08/02/2011 07:45

Grace you are so right to come on here and make that point. When I started therapy I had also spent my life being attracted to non committal/ dishonest men.

Step one of dealing with this anxiety is actually believing that this is not all there is - ie. there are men out there who will commit completely and will make you feel safe.

Then step 2 is dealing with the demons/ anxiety - but you have to be with someone who can actually be trusted.

Usedtobeyoung - all I can say is you are right about therapy being a 'threat' in a way to your relationship. But - without of course knowing the facts - if he is the right person for you perhaps the two of you can make a new start built on trust and your own new self confidence. Obviously though you might be right and it might make you change your feelings about him - but essentially you already have that doubt - and you are going to carry it around with you in your mind anyway - so tackling it will the only way to deal with it. whatever the outcome.

seshi · 08/02/2011 09:50

Thank you waterrat. I am truly going to take all this on board. He is going away tonight to play golf with his mates for a few days and instead of being mardy and texting him all the time I am going to do what is totally unusual for me and NOT be moody - instead wish him a great few days break and let him call me. I am also going to look into therapy as I think my issues do stem from childhood and a fear of losing people (Dad died when I was seven) - I am a headcase but think now there is hope :)Thanks again to everyone who has been brave enough to start and comment on this thread

ItsGraceAgain · 08/02/2011 11:53

Thanks, waterrat & usedtobeyoung :) And THANKS again, usedtobe, for the unexpected compliment Grin

I agree, it's going to be difficult to resist working on yourself now you've come this far - though I understand your worries. I?m not sure that if I develop my self esteem that I will still want him as much. That's quite a damning statement, isn't it? Now you've been together for so long, it looks possible that your relationship is strong enough to adapt as you develop. I hope so, anyway!

One thing's for sure: change is always gonna happen. You may as well embrace it with confidence, imo :)

ItsGraceAgain · 08/02/2011 11:54

oops, rather a lot of smileys there. The sunshine must have got to me!
Wink Grin

Madwithjealousy · 08/02/2011 12:48

Waterrat This is all so interesting and has given me lots to think about.

I do feel generally quite confident and don't think I have low self-esteem but once I'm in a relationship with someone that I care about I start to get that awful jealousy; it's almost addictive. Is it adrenalin or some chemical reaction that keeps it going ?

When I'm in that state of hyper-vigilance (at last I've got a name for it Grin), I am constantly on edge waiting for the next snippet of information about an ex-girlfriend so I can file it away and replay it to myself as a form of torture. The anticipation of hearing or discovering something new manifests itself physically with very rapid heartbeat and that familiar sick feeling. Unfortunately, when you are with a partner with similar problems of insecurity, instead of reassuring you they can then play on that fear to gain power and make themself feel better. My XP has admitted that he liked to see that I was jealous, which is natural in small doses I expect but not when the other party is visibly distraught.

Now I know that my feelings of jealousy were founded, I need to work on how to separate irrational insecurity and very real warning signs. The incidents that made me suspicious were really rather obvious but I wanted so badly not to believe them.

I have friends who aren't very jealous and who will also have little tolerance for any horrible behaviour or worrying signs. I want to be like them.....SadEnvy

GandalfyCarawak · 08/02/2011 13:09

I also suffered really badly from this when I first got with my DH. I remember about 18 months into what was, and still is, a pretty bloody great relationship, nosing in his old photos. I found a few of exes which sent me into a panic attack- I was weeping, thinking that I couldn't be in the same house as these reminders of women far more beautiful than I. Certain exes got to me more than others- The ones I knew were not such a problem, it was the unknown that worried me! Like you, I spent a lot of time, energy and heartache over these women.

I have been with him for nearly nine years now, and I can honestly say that as my confidence has grown, this has shrunk into nothing. I'm sensible about it now- There are reasons why these girls are exes!- And it's a far nicer place to be. I didn't need therapy (though I'm not saying that's true of everyone)- Just being with a patient and kind man made me feel better about myself.

Good luck- You will be fine!

waterrat · 09/02/2011 08:20

Seshi - good luck! That is great that you are going to try that - I used to really focus on what I hoped to achieve with the niggling/ being moody - I knew if I followed through the thoughts in my mind that I would not feel better at the end of it. It was a real effort - not easy I know - but I am so glad I did it and have stopped doing it now completely.

Of course, as Grace says, it only works if you are with someone who should be trusted - but even if you aren't - suspicious niggling will not control someone - ever. It's a big mistake that jealous people make, thinking that if they are constantly watching their partner they will actually stop them cheating. In the end - you have to sit back and trust - then have clear boundaries of what behaviour you will tolerate. ie. know that you would take action if something did happen. But - you can't be watching for it all the time.

MWJ - I have had all those symptoms you describe - it really is physical isn't it? I get my heart beating, total fear - I think there must be a physical pattern in our brains created by earlier events in our childhood.

It's interesting that you say the warning signs were obvious - I think the truth is - being jealous is unncessary - you can trust people and know that if something goes wrong that will be clear at the time. You cannot live on a constant state of suspicious alert - it actually doesn't help control people at all. Also, you didn't end it presumably? I think the insecurity and terror of being abandonded that all jealous people have - basically leads to clinging to shit situations.

IN fact - if you are always anxious I think you are less likely to know when to really end it.

I have always been absolutely terrified of being dumped/ left/ abandoned - to the extent that I would clinc to really awful men and hope desperately things would improve - this is a vicious circle because then you are confirming to yourself that all men really want to do is run away!

If you make a decision that you will only be with someone who really wants to be with you - then that won't happen.

I read somewhere that it's helpful to divorce your feelings from your actions too - ie. accept you have a jealous feeling but know you don't have to act in a jealous or suspicious way. Dont be hard on yourself for feeling like that - but do know that it's not useful behaviour.

My dad once said to me 'oh waterrat you cant expect men to be certain about you, they never are. ,just find one you are certain about and cling to him' !!! how sad is that - his advice to his own daughter, just reflecting his own issues. NO wonder I turned out nuts.

I am also a very cheerful confident person in other respects - friends at work were astonished when I told them of my mad thoughts - people think of jealousy as a weakness but actually it's just something that has been created in you by circumstance.

As Gandalfy mentions - I think the complex relationship between the person you are with and how you feel about yourself is important.

I am now with someone wonderful and calm and never jealous - who would never ever want me to be jealous and is completely secure. But I still have recurring dreams that he has left me/ that he is gone/ that he is dying in front of me. I feel embarrased admitting such madness!

IN the end, you have to 'decatastrophise (good word eh) your fear that your partner might leave you - accept people are fallible and you can't control the future - and know you will be okay whatever happens.

LexieDexieM · 09/02/2011 08:22

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BranchingOut · 09/02/2011 08:36

I had counselling with a humanistic/integrative counsellor and highly recommend it to anyone.

The issues were different (family) but fairly big - I came out of the process with all the emotional heat taken out of the situation and having let go of tons of things.

I attended fortnightly and found this quite helpful for balancing the sessions with work commitments and also for keeping the costs under control.

waterrat · 09/02/2011 10:55

Basically - what it boils down to is that you can't make someone love you and you can't make them stay if they want to leave. So if you have to constantly watch over your partner to make sure they are faithful - then it isn't working anyway. you need to be able to let go and trust them to do that without coercion.

And I suppose that underlying that you have to actually believe this is possible ie. that there are men who will love you and be committed to you.

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