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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

6 months no sex........

29 replies

onanightlikethis · 04/02/2011 15:21

happily married, usual pressures of work, kids,washing,ironing etc. dh and i havnt actually had sex or anything like it since our summer holidays. its a combination of different things, i go to bed early and get up early, he goes to bed late, i'm always asleep'and i'm too busy being mum, cook, with a demanding career, to find space in my head to be sexy partner. i know we need to find time to be a couple, but i cant switch off in the house, or it feels like another job on my "to do list".
babysitting is scarce,so weekend away not an option. how can we get our mojo back?

OP posts:

cybbo · 04/02/2011 15:29

Do it tonight

Just do it

Stop thinking about it

just do it

FlamingoBingo · 04/02/2011 15:33

WSS^

Just do it! Do you have to do it in bed? Can't you do it as soon as the children are in bed? Once you start having sex more, you'll both want it more.

DH and I went through a long patch like this, and some MNers advised me to say to myself that I would have sex with DH once a week, without fail, and if I made myself do it (different to him making me do it, of course!), I'd soon start to enjoy it more and we'd both be more motivated to make time for it. You've both forgotten how fantastic good sex can be, it's been so long!

cybbo · 04/02/2011 15:33

text him and tell him you are going to do it

go on I dare you

minipie · 04/02/2011 15:35

What the others said.

Except that, if it feels a bit much to go straight to the full deed, you could work up to it with some full on kissing etc this weekend... and then aim for sex next week.

minipie · 04/02/2011 15:35

PS totally get where you are coming from... it is so easy to get out of the habit. but the longer you leave it the harder it will get.

Original poster

onanightlikethis · 04/02/2011 15:40

i know i know.... the trouble is i go to bed more or less the same time as the kids..maybe i need to get the sexy underwear out...minipie, you atr right, the longer it is the harder it is....

OP posts:

MrSpoc · 04/02/2011 15:51

tonight when kids are a sleep go into the bed room put somthing sexy on the go and suprise your hsuband. I bet he wont say no and I bet you feel sexy being in your naughties.

FlamingoBingo · 04/02/2011 15:56

Don't worry too much about being 'sexy' if that's too much pressure. Just enjoy loving eachother. Text him and say you want to have sex tonight. When the kids are in bed, come downstairs to where he is and just start kissing him.

Of course, put sexy stuff on if that's what you want and it's helpful - just not if that's what's putting you off!

cybbo · 04/02/2011 16:00

Do you want to have a sexlife with your husband? tHen you are going to ahve to put the work in, and so is he

who goes to bed at the same time as their children on a friday night for heavens sake?

AnyFucker · 04/02/2011 16:14

Does he do his share of the boring and banal house chores ?

Some blokes really are too thick to realise that if they treat their partners as equal to them wrt who does the grunt work, there might be more time (and inclination) for fun.

OneMoreChap · 04/02/2011 16:27

with a bit of trepidation... does he actually know when you want to have sex with him.

While I was with exDW we didn't have sex for ages after DS; later... considerably later... she'd said she had wanted sex for a while.

She had however, made it abundantly clear that sex was not on the cards till she felt like it.

Afterwards, I asked how I was meant to know she felt like it when she'd asked me to sleep in the other room, and hadn't even wanted to hold my hand in the living room .

Sometimes men and women really need to talk about stuff :)

FlamingoBingo · 04/02/2011 16:31

Good point, AF!

Original poster

onanightlikethis · 04/02/2011 19:40

not really anyfucker, but he does do other great stuff, like build beds and wardrobes from scratch, does the bills etc.
cybbo, i go to bed at the same time as the kids...which is 8.30. doesnt matter if its a friday, monday or saturday. i cant function without a decent amount of sleep.
i have had a shower, shaved legs etc, so hopefully tonight may be the night.

OP posts:

AnyFucker · 04/02/2011 20:31

digbert...I don't think you got my point really did you

shower, shaved legs...lovely

but if you feel resentful, it's just forcing yourself isn't it ?

sort out the core issues, don't bury them

WikiSpeaks · 04/02/2011 20:40

I could have written your OP.

My DH works late shifts 5 nights a week so doesn't even come in until after 1am.

I love the fact that there's no pressure from him, but OTOH it's just made me lazy and the longer 'it' gets left, the more difficult it is psychologically to just launch back into it.

Will be watching with interest!

damppatchnot · 04/02/2011 23:00

6 months?

I have not jad sex with my dh for 4 years and I know I will never have sex with him again.

I married a safe bet who btw is lovely and kind and fantastic dad as my prev dh was very abusive and I was very very wary.

I never fancied him and thought it would be ok. Wrong. I love him to bits but like a brother. Sex doesnt bother him he nver asks and I was not bothered as I am too in that young children/busy career mode and it was last thing on mind. Bit now the youngest is getting more independant I am starting to think about it again.But I cant bear the thought of it with dh and thats getting quite scary

tigana · 04/02/2011 23:06

"the longer it is, the harder it is..."

I usually find that the night I do the whole shower, shave, mildlt sexy nightwear (as opposed to old baggy stuff) is the night DH will be snoring before I get into bed. the night I am akin to a hedgehog with spot cream adorning my face will be the night he feels frisky

tigana · 04/02/2011 23:07

Oh,and yes, best advice is to make like some sport shoes and just do it.

netgear · 04/02/2011 23:58

It isnt necessary for sex to be in bed. We went through a few years when the sofa saw a lot more action than the bed. A quick shag on the sofa once the kids are in bed if all that there is time and energy for helps to keep a relationship together.

FlamingoBingo · 05/02/2011 14:59

Well? Did you have sex!?

AnyFucker · 05/02/2011 15:39

yes, an update would be interesting nice, OP

how are things ?

nutkins · 05/02/2011 15:59

Could there be a medical problem that results in your having a low sex drive? I came off the pill after being on it for many years and went from having no sex drive at all to it being like we were teenagers again! I had forgotten how nice it was to actually want to have sex rather than as you say, it being on the tick list! Also, I think being tired can be somewhat an excuse. I'm sure if the kids were up in the night feeling poorly you would get yourself up to look after their needs. A same level of commitment is needed for your DH. In order for your family to thrive you and your DH need to have a good relationship, and nurturing your sex life is a very important part of that! I find a quickie in the day takes little or no energy, is great fun and can be something you can both have a smile about for the rest of the day. There is also less pressure to perform when you know it is a quickie. Good luck and enjoy!

FlamingoBingo · 05/02/2011 19:45

I think the other thing that can put you off having sex subconsiously is the risk of getting pregnant again. Is it worth getting your contraception sorted out so you can be more spontaneous?

TDada · 05/02/2011 21:09

what AF said. Also, remember that you lose it when you don't use it so be patient with give yourself time to get it back...how about focussing more on flirting and worrying less about the actual act.

Original poster

onanightlikethis · 06/02/2011 08:19

update, managed to do the deed on saturday morning! once i got into it, it was as good as i remembered. we also went out for tea, just the two of us last night, which was lovely. going to try to have sex once a week, not leave it so long next time!
flamingo, maybe ur right, we dont want any more kids so i have been asking him to get the snip...but he wont. i dont want to go on the pill,o mabybe i need to take responsibility and have the coil. thanks for ur advice.

OP posts:

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