why are people reluctant to see a counsellor?

[humanheart]

ok, I'm not - but many people are. people say (or think) "it's not that bad!" when I sometimes wonder how 'bad' people think things need to get before a counsellor would be a sensible option. people often leave it too late, when an earlier intervention could have saved unbelievable heartache and difficulties. or people think that it'll sort itself out - sometimes it does but sometimes it really doesn't. not unlike a physical problem.. which people are generally more wiling to address at the earlier rather than the later stages.

maybe people think that seeing a counsellor is a sign of failure, or weak? I know I've had to brace myself to step over that 'she's looking at me and judging me - her life is sorted (obviously, bcs she's a counsellor) and she's probably laughing at my total inability to run my own life'. or 'she's having a laugh - I could talk to my friends, it's cheaper'.

i'm obviously a convert to counselling/therapy and maybe, as I've tested it, I've forgotten what the issue is. Im not a trained counsellor btw. Ive had (and heard) some horror stories but, generally, my experiences of counseling have been incredibly valuable and I can't for the life of me see why people are so reluctant to consult one when things are getting unmanageable/painful/unbearable/intractible or just plain difficult.

maybe people want a quick fix and the thought of committing to facing stuff is just too much - don't want to disturb the status quo in case there's a thingy in the woodshed. or think it's all self-indulgent twaddle when you should jolly well get on and stop making a fuss. just turning over every stone here...

so what's the deal? why so resistant? (chickened out of posting in AIBU btw )

Because it's expensive. Sorting things out yourself is free. Well, until you get to the lawyers...

Yes I think cost can be an issue - also the weakness thing. It has a bit of a stigma in this country - therapy is only for when things have gone wrong (which as you say is often too late :()

I wonder if things will change with future generations.

its expensive, in my opinion their full of crap, and cant sort out their own problems, let alone anyone elses, but thats just my own personal opinion

I'm convinced that some people avoid counselling because they know what's going to come up and they don't want to hear it.

It's expensive. It's not time bounded - so who knows how long it'll go on. It's difficult to find someone who you click with. It's difficult to find time/childcare. But most of all it is very, very scary.

H and I have spent an absolute fortune on individual therapy over the last year+. It has helped enormously.
On the other hand we had a dreadful experience with Relate.

I think a great deal of people on here and in real life tell people to go and see someone or go and get help as in insult and put down, as if there is "something" wrong with the person in question! I don't understand it really as if you use it as an insult the person who would benefit from talking through an issue that they are finding difficult will quite often get defensive as they have been put down and say they don't need it, so when I hear or see that kind of put down, I often then look towards the person using it as an insult, and think they need to go and see someone themselves quite often if that is their attitude.

I think if the attitude was had by all that it was beneficial and not an insult and not a way of treating someone like they are inferior, then a great deal more people may talk out the issues they have found hard to deal with themselves or with freinds and family.

I also think that it can take a long time, it is not easy to find someone who has the right skills for you, training only gets someone so far! It is expensive and time consuming and it can be emotionally quite difficult, people often want quick, painless results and sometimes you can, often it takes time and it is hard work.

I think it is a great gift to yourself and it can be very self indulgant, as you don't have to listen to your mates problems back after unloading what is bothering you.

I saw it as an admission of failure. Despite hating myself and knowing I couldn't cope there still seemed to be a sort of blind hope that I would sort it myself. And maybe part of me being self-destructive and not wanting to get better because I felt I deserved to feel like shit. Also not wanting to burden someone else. Thinking talking to someone would make them think badly of me for not coping with things other people manage with. Loads of reasons for not wanting to ask for help.

I'm now seeing a counsellor and have at times been quite shocked by how the things I've said have affected him - I made him cry at something that happened in my past and he's a professional so in a way that took away the idea that I was making an issue out of nothing or that it was just my failure to cope. He also gave me, I suppose, validation in a way by telling me in no uncertain terms that I was abused (sexually, as a child) and helping me to address how I react to situations now even though I can't change what happened in the past.

Years ago I saw a psychologist (NHS), had group therapy (NHS and totally useless to me anyway) and visited psycotherapist (NHS) but none of that helped nearly as much as my hour a week with a counsellor through a local charity. I do pay (only £20 a week 'donation' which was suggested based on my income, think £40 is maximum) but it is well worth it as for the first time in about 15 years I feel I'm actually making positive progress.

Thistle explains it well

I had counselling weekly for 7 years, in a similar income-based setup.

My counsellor was a blank wall for me to throw my life's shit at initially, as she was not emotionally involved with me. I never knew anything about her or her opinion of what I offloaded in our sessions, but by the time it ended she knew more about me than anyone ever has or will.

I didn't want to burden friends with it; it was hard enough for me to live with and at times I worried about how she would cope with some of the things I told her

It was an enormous help, even though at times I thought it would never end. She did point out that I was sorting out 30 years of stuff, and that would take more than a few months.

As we finished our final session, she hugged me, told me that she was full of amazement for the way I had turned out, and admired my dignity in coping with my life. Coming from her, that meant a lot.

Yes I think it seems like you are a failure.

I also found Relate unhelpful.

I have found counselling very painful but glad at what has come from it. I have stopped it at present as it is expensive (£40 per session)and Ive come a long way. I have dealt with some very difficult stuff and come through. I do still get anger and doubt etc sometimes. I may go back in the future if I feel the need.

Sometimes its a feeling of like others said 'not being bad enough'

my mum has always encouraged me to see a counsellor , but then I think of all the yong people she see's (works for NSPCC) with horrific life stories

I think I have no place here it would be better used on someone else. maybe its just me

there are grades of counselling/therapy though. the obvious line is between counselling and therapy eg counselling - often short-term - can be a means to address what seems like an intractable problem in a safe and supportive environment, with someone who is trained to recognise themes, to suggest ideas etc.

then there is therapy, which is a different ballgame and involves probably some deep exploration of what is often very painful stuff. (though not painful bcs you are pushed - a therapist is trained to gauge what you are ready to face and will not push - but painful bcs it is painful to remember some things, even to sit with them for even a moment. we often can't face those alone and need someone alongside who is caring and supportive - hence your lovely therapist Thistle).

two different approaches imo (and there are many grades in between!) with overlapping skills eg safe, supportive, not involved with you in your personal life, trained to be impartial and non-judgemental etc.

it's the counselling-when-things-have-reached-a-peak that I don't understand people not accessing, instead battling it out alone. you woulnd't expect to treat your own back if it went, why do people expect to fix their own psychological/relational issues when they are threatening to become/have become lumpy and unmanageable? often, eg back problems resolve in the end, as do psychological/relational problems - but very often they don't: the problems and difficulties that result can be incredibly complex and difficult to treat...

Some people will avoid it because they are ashamed of something. Not ashamed of being weak and needing therapy or even of being seen as a failure but of something they have done or an opinion they hold that they regret.

I am thinking particularly of couples counselling (since this OP was in the Relationships topic it was my first thought). Say somebody has done something like have an affair or a termination or anything else that they don't want other people to know about.

Whatever it is will most likely have to come out if there are problems.

I suppose it applies to individual counselling too.

There is fear that they might be a worse person than they thought they were. They may be thinking they are some sort of weirdo for feeling the way they do and also, because of lack of understanding of the various types of counselling, there may be fear of what is dredged up that they weren't aware of. That isn't the aim of many types of counselling.

If you go to counselling, then you have to face up to stuff you don't want to deal with - so it's easier to avoid it.