Stonewalling

[Triphid]

This has cropped up in another thread but I don't want to hijack it so am starting another.

My Dad periodically gives me (and other members of my family) the silent treatment and has done so ever since I was a little girl. It's usually over some (mis)perceived slight, or on occasions has been for no apparent reason. It's hard to manage and because my Mum is incredibly loyal to him and won't say a bad word about him it affects the way I relate to her while it's happening. Both are in a different country to me so I rarely see them.

Now that I'm older I get angry about it more than anything, but I find it hard to find the right way to react once things 'thaw'. I don't find it acceptable that I should just be grateful and move on like nothing has happened (tho' I used to feel that way!). It's not an acceptable way to be treated and I think it merits some discussion. Does anyone have any advice on how to tackle this?

pretend you haven't noticed. When he's giving you the silent treatment, chat as normal and act like he's replying. Don't pander to him or try to talk him round.

Or

openly laugh at him. "Oh, I see we've got the sulks on again. Would you cheer up if I got you a wowwy-pop?"

or

Just straight out say "You know what? Your sulking is bloody childish. Grow up."

Can't chat as normal as he refuses to speak to me on the phone.

But I do like the confident approach you suggest. We're used to pussyfooting around. Trouble is he's very patriarchal and finds confrontation disrespectful so I'm worried he would break off all contact on a long-term basis if I was too 'challenging'.

i would say whilst you want to sulk you are being very silly. If you have a problem lets geet it out in the open, if you don't like conflict then write a letter saying what is worng. But on no account am I pandering to this behaviour any longer it isn't healthy and will destroy our relationship

And this would be a problem because?

He's childish and he's using your fear of him withdrawing from your life to control you.

It's entirely up to you whether you are willing to accept that control or not.

If he chooses to remove himself from your life because you refuse to allow him to manipulate you in what is an abusive manner, then that's up to him.

The alternative is you continue to beg and plead with a man who in all likelyhood is really enjoying the control and power.

People like that are normally quite weak. They are so puffed up and fearsome and you work yourself up into a frenzy, but if you actually stand firm and stick a pin in them (so to speak), they deflate to nothing.

My husband does the stonewalling too and the worst occasion for two months between October and Christmas of last year. He comes from a family of sulkers and in fact he no longer speaks to two of his own sisters, or to my sister for that matter. His other siblings he has very intermittent contact with. In fact the only one he speaks to properly really is his mother. I wonder why I didn't realise all this before we had children though he was at that point still speaking to my sister and to one of his own. In fact we just had an argument two days ago and again he has totally withdrawn - am I supposed to care?????? Sorry, am hijacking your thread but can totally relate to how annoying this is. Since he is your father and you don't live with him (rather than husband with whom you have to share your daily life and manage kids with) - would it be that bad if he did withdraw? Sorry if this is an upsetting thought but I think life is too short to pussyfoot around (she says, when in fact this is what I do, but I can relate to how pointless it all is).

My dh does not ignore the kids though, thankfully, in fact he is generally incredibly affectionate with them with small occasional outbursts of bad temper.

Hecate and Ostracized, you're right - it's true that it is a choice I make (doesn't feel like it at the time but I can see what you mean). The alternative of not standing for it and him withdrawing just seems so incredibly sad when, as you say, life is too short and he's an old man. It just seems such a huge outcome from such a minor - or even non-existent - thing. I'm waffling now. It's really useful to have your thoughts.

Ostracized I really feel for you. You must feel very lonely and isolated at times like that.