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Original poster

what to say?

12 replies

OutOutLetItAllOut · 04/02/2011 08:31

hi, very quick back ground,
oh had an ea with a woman at work, then kissed her 1 time, while drunk.
i found outback in june.
he promised to not contact her anymore out of work, and as far as i can see, he has not, until 1 48 second call last week to her.
i pulled him about it, he said she had been in an accident and he was making sure on half of his dept that she was ok.
i wasnt happy but not alot i can now do.
since i found out, he has not been on a works night out. there is one tonight, he wants to go.
he has asked my 'permission' i have said im not happy but that at some point we have to move past it, and that wether it is now or next yr, there will be some night out, and he cant stay home forever..
am i mad?
should i be over this and totoally ok with him going?

OP posts:
nje3006 · 04/02/2011 08:44

Is she going to the works do? If so I don't think he should go. It's one of the consequences of his inappropriate contact with this woman.

If she is definitely not going, then I would say it's ok to go. Can you go with him?

You do not have to be over this. He contacted her when he should not have done so. if his dept really needed to make a call to her, he should have got someone else to do it. I wouldn't buy it 'had' to be him.

Doesn't sound like he's really on board with protecting his boundaries. And that will make it much harder (impossible) for you to move ahead.

Original poster
OutOutLetItAllOut · 04/02/2011 08:58

she will be there, but then she will always be at the work social things. so at some point i feel like i have to bite the bullet.
im not feeling ready for it. but if i force him not to go, i feel like it will work out badly in the future.

OP posts:
emmyloopsylou · 04/02/2011 09:09

He should have thought about the consequences of work "do's" before he had an "EA" with someone at work.

He clearly does not no his bounderies with this woman at all. So yanbu to not want him to go out to a drinking do on his own when she will be there.

Is he actually really trying to get past this, does he not care how this may look to you, dosen't seem like it.

emmyloopsylou · 04/02/2011 09:09

know*

Original poster
OutOutLetItAllOut · 04/02/2011 09:11

to be honest. i dont have a clue.
things were pretty bad with us, not talking fighting, just generally living together but not happily. that was when the ea happened.
since then, he is a different person, we talk, we laugh, there has been no fights, no shouting. it really has turned his approach around.

OP posts:
WhenwillIfeelnormal · 04/02/2011 09:46

I imagine it is bad enough that they still work together, OP. While that situation prevails, I think that any contact that is avoidable should be foregone, particularly social occasions when people's guards are down and there is alcohol involved. According to him after all, this turned into a physical embrace at just such an occasion.

I am also curious about how you found out about the phone call. Did he disclose this voluntarily or did you find out yourself? If he volunteered this, it is a better sign.

That said, if you were truly on your way to recovery, the presence of the OW would not be viewed as threatening as it perhaps is, for you.

I'm glad that things are better in your marriage, but you don't have to be "over" this at all. If you aren't, you aren't. There is no timescale. However, I would ask you why you think you are still stuck, because normally this happens when trust is still a major issue.

It's not wrong to mistrust your H still and it might help to pinpoint what he could be doing to help that. Volunteering contact with the OW would be one way of doing that, for example.

Original poster
OutOutLetItAllOut · 04/02/2011 09:50

he didnt volunteer it. i went to use his phone, and saw that he had deleted the last dialed numbers bit. so asked him who he had called that meant he had deleted it.
i dont trust him.
not at all.

OP posts:
nje3006 · 04/02/2011 10:35

Him not volunteering this info is not good news. Either something is going on or there's nothing going on but he's not being transparent with you. Either way, him not telling you is not good.

YANBU in thinking he shouldn't go if she's going to be there. He should be thinking the same thing. Did you have an agreement about contact with her after this incident? Does he not see that further contact with her is inappropriate and failing to protect your marriage?

Have you read Not Just Friends by Shirley Glass? It's mentioned on here quite a bit but it's an excellent book on how these things need to be tackled after the event, whether it be a full blown affair or inappropriate stuff like your DH.

The fact that you don't feel you trust him says a lot.

WhenwillIfeelnormal · 04/02/2011 14:44

I thought so, OP. I imagine that having to find out about continued contact, rather than having it dislosed, has set back any trust regained. In which case, I'm not surprised you don't want him to go to this do and disappointed that he wants to. Don't ever be afraid of saying that you're not happy about it and would prefer that he didn't go. It's a shame he's put that burden on to you to have to say that, though.

You also might need to set new boundaries about his continued contact with the OW and how this must always be disclosed. I am hoping though, that he is making moves to change jobs?

Original poster
OutOutLetItAllOut · 04/02/2011 15:05

just to be clear, he isnt forcing the issue.
we are going out tomorro, so we cant go out tonight, no babysitter, he said, there is a leaving do at work, have a think about it, and let me know if you would be ok with me going.
i said no
he said, ok no worries.

then i thought more about it, and thought i might have reacted to quickly.

OP posts:
nje3006 · 04/02/2011 17:13

Ok so you've told him you are not ok with it. He said fine no worries.

It would have been better if he had told you he had already made the decision not to go.

DO you think he would have asked you if you had not found out about it, you said he didn't volunteer it...that's a red flag...

kepler10b · 04/02/2011 17:44

if he is going to continue his affair with this woman he is going to do it regardless of whether you "allow" him to go to a work do or whatever.

in a relationship you can never really know you are loved unless you leave the door open at all times and yet your partner still decides to stay in the room with you (iyswim).

i know it's hard but the best thing you can do is to let him do and go where he pleases and let his actions tell you how important you are to him.

if he doesn't make you feel important enough....show him the door yourself.

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