Obviously need to take a long hard look at myself

[TabithaSilver]

because it would seem I am not very popular at all. But I need help and advice. There've been a few incidents that just make me think I must be a nasty piece of work. I just feel miserable about it.

I've got three sils. None of whom really talk to me, one of whom has been actively rude to me. When I say they don't really talk to me, I mean if I call up to speak to one of my brothers, they'll just give me the standard, "Yep, fine thanks. Want to to talk to XXX? Bye." This is itself is fine, I guess. I mean, not everybody can like you but it's a bit hurtful.

The one who is rude to me has always been snippy but I just thought she was stressed. But at her wedding, she actively blanked me throughout. Not that I was expecting attention on someone else's wedding day but a "Hello, nice to see you," would have been nice. But she actively turned away every time I approached her to give congratulations.

It was then that I realised (I must be thick skinned!) that she really doesn't like me. I felt very low about this as I'd always done my best to be friendly, hospitable, generous etc. Her Facebook page is set to allow me and dh to only see her name, work place etc. Why she wanted to be FB friends, I've no idea.

I wish I had the balls just to delete her as a friend on FB because she's not a friend and then tell her that I don't like her, I think she's rude etc but I think this would just cause unnecessary ructions in the family. But why do I care? Our family isn't exactly close so why would I care? I think I need to grow a pair.

Anyway, so that's one area that I'm down about.

Another friend has totally deleted me from her contacts and FB because I told her she shouldn't lecture me about a relationship that is suffocating and has had a strongly negative effect on my marriage. Obviously, it's my mil. But I couldn't believe my friend has had such a strong response to my telling her she doesn't know what she's talking about.

I sound teenage talking about messaging and FB - I'm 30. But the fact is that these tools are great for brief contact, updating photos etc but they're also really powerful in terms of passively-aggressively hurting people.

I often think this about toxic family members.

But then I see them so infrequently that I just forget about them. I do get stressed at the prospect of family gatherings that I think I shouldn't bother. Then I realise that the big broo ha ha of actively and inevitably publicly ditching them really isn't worth it and I just get on with my life and occasionally grin and bear it for the family occasions.

I would never ever put myself out for some members of my family though.

I would delete them too. If you're worried about fallout...just say to her that you are down sizing FB, after a few examples of its poisonous use, to those close friends who regularly conact you through it. That is near enough the truth without being confrontational.

Then I wouldn't contact any more than you have to. Don't invite them, don't encourage contact.

I would agree with a previous post...I am not sure that your dc will learn anything positive from this contact.

if your brothers ever question this, then I would be honest to them about how your SIL make you feel.

It sounds a bit like you want her to mention your deleting her so you can tell her how you feel. Which isn't a criticism, just an observation.

There are two sides to every story but tbh it doesn't sound like you are getting anything positive from the relationship. You don't have to be best friends with you sil. Could you just tolerate them when you see them and try and forget them in between times you have to meet for the sake of the children. Rise above their rudeness and try not to dwell on it?

With regard to the friend who won't speak to you any more, do you think you were maybe too robust in telling her to butt out? Quite likely she's being over-sensitive, but if you value her friendship is it perhaps worth dropping her a line saying "look I'm sorry I was so snippy. It's a sensitive subject for me, but I shouldn't have bitten your head off when you were only trying to be supportive. Please can we put it behind us?" If a gracious apology doesn't cut it then she wouldn't appear to be that good a friend. And if she does get back in touch, gently change the subject if she gets back onto the one that caused the offence in the first place. Just "I'm sorry X, I'm not ready to talk about that" sort of thing. It's a great shame to lose a friend forever over a single spat.

Re SILs, the non-bitchy ones that is, I wonder if your "suffocating and negative" MIL told them something about you that they've believed ever since? Not sure whether it can be mended, but it would be a relief to know there was a reason for all this uncalled-for dislike, other than that you're a dislikeable person, which I doubt. You could maybe gently probe whichever of your brothers you get on better with, if the opportunity arises.

Alternatively, by the sound of it, all you have to do is stop making an effort and they would all gradually fade out of your life anyway. Could be the least painful option.

I deleted a family member whose privacy settings were set so I couldn't see anything. It cause trouble but I sent a message saying no point in being friends on Facebook when the privacy settings are set so we can't actually communicate and share photos.

When I think about how unpleasant she's been in general and how at best indifferent and at worst, rude my brothers are, I get angry. There is nothing I can do to change them. It upsets me. I get low about it. I think the answer is to just fade out of view as best I can.

Thing iis that they're so indifferent that when they eventually notice, they won't even wonder why or be bothered . But I'll be a lot happier. Perhaps I could even get away with moving house before they notice!

Dh keeps talking about how important family is etc but surely only when it's a positive relationship?

If sil asks me why we're not FB friends anore, I'll just ask her what for and that I've trimmed my friend list to those on regular contact.

Well I think you seem really, really nice

For what it's worth, my SIL absolutely despises me. I have tried for years to get her to like me, but she has continued to be just plain nasty. It took me 9 years to realise that there was nothing wrong with me, it was her who had the problem.

Please don't take it all to heart. Bollocks to them!

Aw, thanks, MommyMayhem. Too kind. Like everyone though, I can be a sourpuss!

More of a general response but I think this is good advise (from the blog shitmydadsays)

"Don?t focus on the one guy who hates you. You don?t go to the park and set your picnic down next to the only pile of dog shit." ; )

at downunderdolly and a raised to your fab advice!!

That is definitely good advice. A healthy approach.

But sometimes you stand in the dog shit and walk around in it for a bit without realising. I'm cleaning my shoes now!

How much blame goes to the dog owners who allowed the shit to be brought into our parks in the first place??!!

I got an email from Amazon saying I needed to go to a link to return my package. I clicked and it was a bar code to be used for sil's birthday presents I'd sent her. I forwarded her the email. She said she was returning my birthday gift to her because she couldn't accept it from someone who didn't want to be her friend.

She says her privacy levels are so high because she'd assumed I didn't want to be bothered by her. And that many of her relatives are at the same level. I just said, "Ah right.Why would I be friends with you on FB if I didn't want to be bothered by you?" but what a load of bull.

A mean person I think.

Returning a gift because someone has deleted you as a friend on FB without talking to them about it is very low behaviour.

She sounds like a massive pain in the arse. And you sound lovely. Fuck 'em.

And don't fixate on the cousins thing either, Growing up, I had more close 'cousins' who were my parents' friends' children than my actual relatives.