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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Heartbroken daughter

27 replies

lint · 03/02/2011 20:02

My daughter has just broken up with her boyfriend. He was her first boyfriend and they went out for a long time. They seemed ideally matched but he didnt think so clearly. The problem is I am the one who is heartbroken, because I can see how upset she is. It hurts so much I just want to cry. Is it normal to feel this bad for your children?

OP posts:

BluddyMoFo · 03/02/2011 20:03

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

TimeToStartACHEEKYDiet · 03/02/2011 20:15

how old is she?

Original poster

lint · 03/02/2011 20:18

Shes 18. She keeps looking on facebook to see what hes doing and sees him flirting with a new girl and then she just sobs. She won't take him off as a friend because she doesnt want to lose contact.

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mummymunter · 03/02/2011 20:54

Oh dear. I remember this with my children too. (and myself come to that!) You can't help but feel their pain and partly, it may be because you have also experienced the loss of first love. First love is usually very strong and very painful when it ends. Your daughter will torture herself for a while but encourage her to start going out and seeing her friends and as hard as it is, you may need to hide your own feelings so she isn't faced with your pain as well as her own.

This will be the first in a line of boyfriends as she finds out what works and what doesn't, who she likes, who she doesn't, who likes her etc. You'll just need to get her to see it for what it is - the first foray into love, first of many!

Original poster

lint · 03/02/2011 21:16

I think you're absolutely right, I remember my first real love and how painful it was, and I don't think I ever really got over it. Okay I got married and had three kids but I never felt the intense feelings for my husband that I did for my first love. I suppose that is why I am upset for her, I know the pain she is feeling. I think I hide my feelings pretty well from her but its hard. She is going out with her friends but if she sees him she just comes home crying.

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marriednotdead · 03/02/2011 21:23

It's so hard, and nothing can prepare you for how bad you will feel. It's been one of the hardest parts of parenting for me so far- empathy is not particularly helpful here.

My DD (24) split with her bf last summer- he got cold feet while they were on a dream holiday. They'd been together 2 years and had spoken of marriage. It took many weeks to pick her up and I hated seeing that dead look in her eyes, hearing her sobbing, and watching the weight fall off of her already slim body.

I found myself repeating trite phrases like 'you are too lovely to be left on any shelf' and feeling fiercely defensive.

I wisely said little about him; they got back together 3 months later.

She says that my stance helped, although I felt useless at the time.

I haven't quite forgiven him if I'm honest, but she's happy so that's all that matters.

Give your DD a big hug while she cries, and say nothing about her loser bf

Taghain · 03/02/2011 21:23

Yes, it's normal; it's a part of being a parent & watching them grow up.
All disappointments for them are doubly so for us, because we're helpless.

You could support her & advise her not to look on facebook, but real life will be harder. Was it Rod Stewart who sang "The First Cut is the Deepest"? All she needs is time, and preferably NOT meeting a bastard 30 year old who will take advantage of her misery.

Original poster

lint · 03/02/2011 21:31

Thank you so much for your replies - it makes me realise I'm not alone in this. marriednotdead I keep saying things like 'theres plenty of other fish in the sea' and 'he'll never find someone as good as you' and it does seem so trite. Do you worry that it may happen again if its happened once?

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sleepwhenidie · 03/02/2011 21:38

I was similarly heartbroken by a guy I went out with in my early twenties for a couple of years. I am now 38, happily married with 3 dc's (and an intervening long term live in relationship before dh). My mum bumped into the first guy a year or so ago and he was apparently v friendly, asking after me and our family etc. Mum's report of the encounter centred on "cheeky *, acting so friendly, I wanted to slap him!". If I had seen him I would have been happy to chat and been friendly too....so I would say yes, you are perfectly normal but comfort yourself that she will probably move on from it sooner than you

Original poster

lint · 03/02/2011 21:42

I am in my 50's now and what makes me feel better is I have seen photographs of my first guy lately and he looks so old and bald. I had a narrow escape really!! But you never get over those first intense feelings. I would give anything to feel madly in love again like that.

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Taghain · 03/02/2011 22:03

Lint, think yourself lucky you haven't.
I did, for the first time since my teens, and it HURT.

Original poster

lint · 03/02/2011 22:11

Aw sorry Taghain. Does it hurt more if we're older or less? I think it might be more although no one ever seems to think that older women can have such intense feelings.

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AimingForSerenity · 03/02/2011 22:19

My DD went through this at 18 too. We had weeks of her sobbing, not eating and looking pale and thin.

You can't do anything but be there and care. I found myself spouting all the platitudes just as you say because you can't think of anything useful to say.

Luckily her friends all rallied round and, in time, she picked up the pieces and moved on.

As "sleepwhenidie" said above, she can now have an occasional conversation with him on civil terms, I could still cheerfully take a baseball bat to him!

Original poster

lint · 03/02/2011 22:27

I would willingly take a baseball bat to him too - although when I saw him out and about in town I bit my tongue and smiled politely.

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marriednotdead · 03/02/2011 22:54

Lint, I did worry at first but I'm letting my guard down a little now. I know what you mean about the baseball bat though!

DH was very off with him when he first came back here, but DD pointed out it was her choice so she didn't need the protective bulldog act.

BF's a year younger than her and just had a wobble, wasn't sure he was ready to settle down yet.

He had very little support it seems, his family told him he was nuts and his best mate punched him and offered to take DD off his hands as he clearly didn't appreciate a good woman

Keep up with the trite comments, don't tell her he's a bastard as it will just make her question her own judgement. It's about rebuilding her confidence and reminding her that she doesn't need anyone to validate what a great girl she is.

As my old mum says, everything passes.

Original poster

lint · 03/02/2011 23:06

Thank you, I hadn't thought about not criticising him too much - I have been criticisng him and telling her she can do better. I thought if I could find negative things to say about him she might think she had'nt lost someone as good, but I'll stop this now.

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Dozer · 04/02/2011 00:06

I remember going through this at 21: agree with others that criticising him won't help. best to listen and ask questions rather than say stuff or try to offer solutions iykwim?

things my mum did that helped included cuddles, nice films and books (including weepies about losing first love, e.g. "circle of friends"), getting me a short term membership to a gym with a nice pool and a massage voucher, teaching me relaxation / meditation techniques, and letting me lay around the house all day (when I should've been jobhunting!)

After a knock like this her confidence will be v low, so encourage her to do positive things to make herself feel better, eg short trips away to see friends, moping around (in moderation!) and avoid boozing / rebound relationships!

Maybe her friends will encourage her to stop torturing herself with contact / facebook: never a good thing for the dumped!

Dozer · 04/02/2011 00:09

Totally agree sleepwhenidie, my mum would probably still want to slap my ex all these years later! Although actually so would I!

Eurostar · 04/02/2011 00:36

In our day they would say, don't torture yourself by looking at old photos/listening to love songs, these days the poor things have damn, live, streaming Facebook to rub it in their faces.

Sounds like you're doing everything right.

CarmenSternwood · 04/02/2011 09:33

All you can do is wait things out, be a shoulder to cry on and make sure she has friends around her who will doubtless be going through the same things. I think it is quite difficult for teenagers to really believe that their parents truly understand what they are going through. It probably isn't such a good idea to slag him off too much - breaking up with her doesn't make him a terrible person and she will probably be worse off in the long-term if she views the relationship as a waste of time. She is so young and there will be more heartbreak to come - good to experience a little bit early on!

KikiJane · 04/02/2011 10:28

Good grief, I don't know how I'll deal with this. My daughter is almost 10 and last week her 'boyfriend' decided he liked one of her friends better. She was completely heartbroken!

Your daughter will feel like she will never feel better. Like she'll always feel like this and will never be happy again. But she will. She'll feel better in time and will eventually wonder why she was so upset. But at the moment it feels like her whole world has caved in. All you can do is be there for her if she wants to talk about it.

IntergalacticHussy · 04/02/2011 10:51

try and get her off facebook as much as you can and out of doors if possible! try and get her to see that he's not been a 'friend' to her, ditching her so insensitively, so why should she keep him on her page?

Original poster

lint · 04/02/2011 11:56

I think what has shocked me is how haertbroken I am as a mother. I always thought things would get easier as the children grew older but I think they get worse. You never stop worrying.
KikiJane I wish my daughter was 10 again - it sounds heaven. How do I know though that she'll get over it, she might never find anyone she likes as much again?
Wasn't it much easier when we were young (or me anyway)? No facebook. When you finished with someone you probably hardly saw them again and you could get closure. Now you can see photos of them doing things with other girls and it is a constant reminder. I think the key is to get her to remove him as a friend but she wouldn't because it would be losing that last bit of contact.

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whyknotty · 04/02/2011 12:27

She will, trust me A tiny tiny minority of girls her age never recover but there's no reason to think she's one of them.

If you can't get her to remove him, he needs to be diluted IYSWIM so that he becomes a smaller part of her world.
Get her busy/distracted. Anything she's ever mentioned she wants to try- now is the time.

KikiJane · 04/02/2011 13:00

Oh, she'll get better. Have you never been in her situation? I know I have, even as an adult. When I was 28, the man I thought of as the love of my life left me very suddenly, through no fault of my own and for reasons outside of our control. 'Devastated' doesn't even cover it. I honestly thought I'd never get over it. But I did, as we all do.

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