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Original poster

Discovered that my h had downloaded porn onto his phone yesterday

44 replies

overthehedge · 03/02/2011 19:56

I was shocked and upset he thinks my reaction was totally ott. :( Was it?

OP posts:
WhenwillIfeelnormal · 03/02/2011 22:27

Yes, how utterly depressing Angry.

OP, if you dislike porn, whether it is on political or personal grounds (or both) then tell your partner how you feel. It's his choice whether to continue using porn or not, but if he does, you have a choice not to put up with that.

Most people have seen porn at some time in their lives. Not all men use porn, however. Thankfully, like a lot of political women, many men (especially fathers) have rejected it.

RespectTheDoughnut · 03/02/2011 22:32

Personally, I have no objection to porn as an entity in theory. The concept of a couple (or whatever) getting their thrills from the idea of filming & sharing their sex doesn't offend me. The idea of people who get their thrills from viewing such videos in an open & honest way, approved of by their partner (or whilst single) doesn't offend me. Sadly, the majority of circumstances do not involve one of those 'acceptable' examples, never mind both.

There is a lot of exploitation within the sex industry. A lot of which is very well hidden. A lot of 'amateur' videos are in fact a professional production; an industry in which almost anything can happen.

& as for the impact upon relationships... Porn gives false ideas of what is enjoyable or acceptable to most people, it blurs the boundaries of respect (a shocking number of teenage boys & young men think, for example, that it's perfectly acceptable to ejaculate on to a woman's face without even asking) & can greatly affect established relationships by diverting the sexual attention of one party. It can become a form of infidelity, replacing the intimate sex act between two people with individual sexual rituals. & that's without getting into the whole issue of the lies & deceit often peddled by the porn user.

It saddens me that women are expected to 'allow' this behaviour for fear of being called a prude, or naive, etc. The use of pornography is a much bigger problem than is so far known, & is getting worse with the continued expansion & availability of the internet. At some point we're going to have to say that enough is enough. Why not now?

emmyloopsylou · 03/02/2011 22:36

Doughnut see even that is not enough now. It's moved on, it's not just enought to finish on the face now. It's got to be in the eyes, where it's really painful and degrading, not before she has been made to vomit there though.

This is the new method of porn "finishing" so I'm told. It's horrifiying.

RespectTheDoughnut · 03/02/2011 22:41

Oh yuck. & that's without even getting on to the topic of the interactive rape 'games' & so on. If porn is progressing in these directions, what next?!

LowRegNumber · 03/02/2011 22:41

But this thread isn't about Porn it is about one woman who has found porn on her husbands phone and wants to get some thooughts on her reaction to it. The rights and wrongs, ins and outs of the sex industry have been done and will be done again but shouldn't this thread be for support of a fellow MNer not venting about an industry?

Op, I have to go to bed but I am happy to chat about you experience and your reaction/feelings if you want, will be back in the morning instead of doing housework Grin

RespectTheDoughnut · 03/02/2011 22:45

But that is the point. The OP wants to know if her negative reaction to finding that her husband has been using porn is OTT. Lots of women are quick to tell her that yes, she is naive to think that anything other than a man using porn could ever happen & that it's 'just sex', etc. That's wrong. Her reaction is valid, because it is her reaction. Her feelings within her own marriage are 100% relevant. & the 'ins and outs of the sex industry' are relevant to her reaction. & should be relevant to you all.

Glamour · 03/02/2011 23:09

im with you softglowsandmaybes!

I cant see the problem you have!

fizzfiend · 03/02/2011 23:13

I used to get upset about porn..almost like your man being unfaithful. One day I just got it...probably when I realised I liked men in porn but I wasn't going to go off and marry them all.

Means nothing...a trigger for a wank, that's all..honestly. I get a little frisson when I see some of the pix on agent provacateur...doesn't mean I'm a lesbian...no thanks. It's a pretty picture, nothing more.

lint · 03/02/2011 23:14

The OP's reaction is absolutely normal because she feels her husband has been involved in sexual activity without her involvement and she feels it has violated her trust. But it may have been an isolated incident so unless she suspects otherwise perhaps he should be given the benefit of the doubt.

softglowsandmaybes · 03/02/2011 23:33

I should qualify my statement that if i found porn on my DPs phone/computor that he hadn't shared with me i would be mighty displeased. Im contrary like that - but it wouldnt be a deal breaker, again dependant on the type of porn

softglowsandmaybes · 03/02/2011 23:39

Respect, i know what you mean too - as i say i like porn, i think because i like to imagine myself in the scenarios (no need for details - Blush) but i have to say, i have been left Shock and :( and Angry about some of the stuff i have stumbled across in search of a bit of eye candy - if there was a ban on internet porn, despite me actually quite liking looking at porn - push come to shove (no pun intended), i would support it.

Again, if it was something that was regulated, then i would be much happier. Porn has always been here in many different forms but lately the objectification and downright abuse of women in some of the free, no registration access sites boggle the fuck out of me!

I would like to be able to watch porn and be confident that the women (and men to a degree) were consensual and happy with their choice, getting a bloody good pay packet, ENJOYED what they were doing, and i can't say that is always the way. I am also very concerned that porn is probably the first real introduction to sex that teenagers get.

Im not contradicting myself, i like porn, but i worry about its origins. If it were regulated maybe that would weed out the shit??

PilgrimSoul · 04/02/2011 00:44

I watch it too (and I'm female).

And yes I know the industry is not squeaky clean, but I put oil in my car, eat chocolate and drink coffee. I draw the line at diamonds though!

StuffingGoldBrass · 04/02/2011 01:33

OP: you will get the usual pro and anti-porn squawking on a thread like this. But as to whether your reaction is OTT, it depends.
Have you told your H that you dislike/disapprove of porn, and why you feel that way? Do you know or suspect that he regularly looks at porn, and is this already a problem between the two of you?
Are there already other issues between you eg you think he is 'unfaithful' and hence check his phone looking for evidence?

Because for one thing, if you and he routinely look at each other's phones on a casual sort of level (as in, neither of you feels you have anything to hide and both of you are agreed on low boundaries WRT privacy) and you just happened to find a single porn clip/image there, it would suggest that he is not an obsessive woman-hating masturbator and he may even have downloaded it in error or been sent it by a friend.

StuffingGoldBrass · 04/02/2011 01:34

Oh, and as to the 'all men look at porn' argument, that's a crock. I have worked in the porn industry for 20 years and met plenty of men who are totally uninterested in porn (and some downright fucking creepy misogynists who make a lot of noise about how opposed to it they are, too).

softglowsandmaybes · 04/02/2011 08:12

my DH doesn't watch porn, but i do.

gemdrop84 · 04/02/2011 08:44

Hi op. I posted about the exact same thing yesterday so I sympathise. Im feeling deeply hurt at the moment as my and my dp arent having much sex so I feel very much replaced and unwanted :( Has he always looked at porn or is it a recent thing? Cant really think of much advice, but maybe talk to him about how it makes you feel etc.

kepler10b · 04/02/2011 14:03

i think if porn use is occassional/casual and is not compulsive / addictive / excessive it is not a problem. also if it is not used as an educative tool for 'how sex should be' it is fine.

i've looked at a couple of bits of porn myself in the past. just as i have tried a couple of illegal substances.

now i choose not to but i wouldn't end a marriage over it.

kepler10b · 04/02/2011 14:06

at my husbands workplace (which is very blokey and trades oriented) it's pretty common practice for the blokes to show off some latest sex clip on their mobile and sometimes share them around. it's not great but then as someone else has highlighted it's not great showing off the diamond dazzler on your finger that has been the result of exploiting poor people and funding the arms trade.

MoaningMedalllist · 04/02/2011 14:50

BUMP

OP do you see porn as a form of cheating?

by all means ur are entitled to feel angry if you have made youre feelings previously clear, however porn is often used as a release, peoples partners arent always around when a relase is needed, porn may fill that gap.

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