Anniversary coming up

[walesblackbird]

My husband EA - which turned into a one-off physical affair - started almost a year ago. I know the date when they first met because he told me and I tracked it from his mobile phone bill.

It's approaching 11 months to when I found out about it.

We are still together after splitting for a while and we are working things through, but it's not easy.

Things were/are getting better. We're communicating, we're more physical, we're more open and honest with each other and he's told me everything about the affair and how and why it happened.

He's very sorry and wishes he could turn back the clock and that it had never happened.

He has changed since discovered. He's a much nicer person now than he was, he's a far better father than he was before and there have even been days when I haven't thought about the affair.

But now, suddenly, it's coming up to the anniversary and I guess it's just a painful reminder of what happened this time last year. I'm turning into a shrew again, questioning him again - even though I've no reason to doubt him. He's finding my constant questioning difficult but accepts that it's something I need to do and doesn't give me a hard time over it.

I'm starting to get my confidence back after being temporarily replaced by a younger, slimmer, richer OW - who was also an extremely unpleasant, manipulative witch.

Is it usual to have this backward step a year on?

I'm not excusing anything he did - and neither is he. I don't want to have any more rows or arguments and I'm trying to put things behind me and move on but it's so hard, isn't it?

It is usual yes. People often struggle with the firsts of everything, first wedding anniversary since D day, first birthday, first val day, first xmas - many days can be triggers.

Don't be hard on yourself. THis day will pass. DH does need to support you during this time, it's part of the consequences.

It is hard, yes. This coming year probably won't be a bed of roses either sadly. But things will get better with time as long as you both continue to be open and honest and keep communicating.

Thank you. Things are slowly getting better but it's just very hard learning to trust again and I'm afraid I'm nowhere near that point yet.

Same as you Bird, one year ago today was my discovery day and I'm struggling.. seems like he is too, judging by the text messages he's sent me today :(

Feel sometimes the same.Was about this time last year I now know my DH's inappropriate friendship kicked off-not helped by fact almost each day I have to go to the place where they met up for their little chats at luchtimes.Short of losing a lot of my business -which I can't afford to do in current climate- have no choice and he apreciates how hard this is for me.He works in same industry bit stays well away from her and 'their' place.As you say trying to put it behind isn't easy some days ,and the next three or four months up to anniversary of day I found out will take all my strength not to start nit-picking again.Already told him this year don't think I can do our wedding anniversary dinner knowing that last year by then the texts were flying backwards and forwards between them and getting pretty damned initmate to boot.He seems to understand.

Sorry you're struggling Bird.
I found once I got to 1 year post DD of DHs' EA I felt better because I knew it was a whole year since anything had happened with OW and felt most positive about 'us' (having spent a whole year feeling that everything was spoilt).

Oh, well done walesblackbird for everything you've come through. I imagine whatever your struggles they're completely valid and it's good and right that your H should try to understand and accept them and support you through this.

My first 'milestone' to pass this month - their first proper date/kiss, three days after my birthday which I remember v well and thought we had a nice time :( ugh, the agony. But looks like lots of us have come through!

Helps to know you're not the only one going through it and I guess unless you've been there yourself you just cannot know how it feels to be betrayed and lied to.

There are a few more '1sts' to come - the date I found out and called her, the horrible texts that she sent me, the date I kicked him out, Mothers Day when he wasn't here and my birthday when he wasn't here.

I've texted him to tell him that this is how I feel and that he's going to just have to deal with it.

Good to know though that there is life after an affair.

What did she say in the texts, wales?And you actually spoke to the witch! How brave!

Well, I found out by searching my husband's work bag and finding his mobile phone bill. He was out at the time. There were loads of texts to this one particular number. I couldn't check with him so I rang the number. And had a very interesting conversation with her! I managed to put her straight on a few things as the lying ratbag had lied to her as well. Not that I care about her at all.

Anyway turned out that she was something of a predator - not that I'm excusing him at all for any of this - and was pretty out of his league really. But, men don't always think with their brains do they - something a bit lower down was controlling him. She was slim, young, had plastic tits and lots of money. As well as a very glam lifestyle. All things that would appeal to him.

She very kindly sent me a text of herself in a bikini - no doubt trying to make me feel inferior in some way. Afraid I'm made of sterner stuff than that and am not easily intimidated by some little slapper.

Anyway, long story short he did eventually see for himself what he was getting involved with and what he was losing and ended the relationship.

My confidence has taken a knock and I'm less sure of myself but it's starting to come back.

I'm a strong person and I wasn't going to let this OW get the better of me.

Good for you! And you will recover and time does heal! I am now 20 months on from 'discovery' and am beginning to relax and trust again (dare I say it?)

Well done to everyone. I am going through a really crappy time at the mo as on the cusp of feeling strong enough to ask more questions now. I need to hear the answers.

Good to know that people are able to come out the other side.

Stargazy - like your DH they still work within the same large office but don't need to 'work' together as such. How do you deal with this?

Do you think we should have an 'Affair Recovery-Mending Relationships' thread? There's so many of us it seems! Bit scared to start one myself though, maybe people find individual threads more helpful?

Oh my goodness. I can't even begin to imagine how you all could trust again. You are much better people than I would be. My thoughts are with you. And just for the record I really do trust my husband but in a funny sort of unexplainable way I would not be surprised if he did the deed elsewhere.

Hi Holdingit.To clarify my DH hasn't had contact since D Day with OW.Re-organised his work but without too much detail to keep our business going(we are in same industry but go out and about to different clients) I have to go to place they met up.Simply can't afford to lose clients there.He has NO desire to see her-believe that.
Hardly see her now as for first few weeks she was hanging around -hoping he'd show I guess.Spoke to her initially and made it abs clear I knew exactly bout no of texts,nature of etc and how she should sort her own marriage out and stop causing problems in ours.Wanted to slap her when she said it was just a 'bit of fun' but then her heart was aching and empty cos she missed him so much!Kept my cool but tbh just sight of her car in car park pisses me off still.
DH has been brilliant and done all right stuff but tbh I still struggle to feel same about him and not sure I ever will.

Ps.have recently worked out been upset for longer possibly because not only did he risk our relationship- which both feel after soulsearching needed bit of change on both sides but was generally v good -but that he risked our liveliehood and financial security too. Worked hard to establish our business and only source of income between us.But how he expected me to work alongside him once I knew -and it would have carried on without discovery as admits he'd lost the plot and in a bubble.
We've lost a business in earlier recession-and he's been made redundant and I worked socks off when DCs small to build things up-as did he.Still dislike him at times for putting us in yet another precarious situation basically cos he loves(or loved to flirt)Think the penny's dropped-hope so!

stargazy - that must have made it so much more difficult for you. My husband works away in London for part of the week - cut down now to two days and only one night away. He thought this meant that he could take this fantastic opportunity and behave like a single man - no ties, no commitments and any thought of family forgotten about.

Afraid he was brought back down to earth with a huge bump when it did eventually dawn on him what he was going to lose.

Can I just ask about forgiveness? We are back together, although some days it is still a struggle. But I've neither forgotten what he did nor have I forgiven him. He put so much at risk. He moved out so his children knew that mummy and daddy weren't living together. They saw me cry. They saw him cry. And a part of me still hates him for putting me and his children through all that sxxt.

My children have already experienced great losses in their lives (they're adopted) and so to put them through this was pretty unforgiveable, imo.

How/when do you reach that point of forgiveness? Do you ever really totally forgive? Or do you just come to an acceptance and start to move on?

wales I've seen your posts on other threads and have suggested in the past that I'm not sure you have both got resolution on why this affair happened, or worked on all the vulnerabilities there were in your life. As a couple, do you have a shared understanding of the affair, your relationship before it and critically, what you both want from your relationship now?

Regarding forgiveness, it might be too soon. In this situation too, there is normally far more to forgive than just the affair itself. You might also want to work out which aspects you have already forgiven and others you cannot, just yet. It might help you to think about which aspects cause you the most pain and talk these through again with your H. It would also be interesting to hear which aspects he can't forgive himself for, just yet and see if you are on the same page.

IMO, you cannot just "make yourself" forgive, but if you have decided to stay and try to forgive, you are making an active choice and presumably one of the things you want to avoid is becoming bitter about that choice.

A year is not long in this process and anniversaries can be horribly painful, but they get easier as time goes on, especially if you have truly worked things through and revisiting the memory holds no fear for you any longer.

Hi WWIFN - I think we're both pretty clear on why the affair happened. Basically we lost sight of each other. The fun, the happiness, the joy in each other went out of our relationship.

We endured years of infertility, followed by more years of failed ivf treatments, followed by years of homestudies and involvement with Social Services before - seperatley - having three traumatised babies placed with us.

Babies who, because of their additional needs, took over my life and left very little time or energy for him. Even now, two of them have additional needs and can be challening to parent. And as an older mother I get tired and the last thing I wanted to do at bedtime was make an effort to have sex.

I'm not making any excuses for him - he's an adult. He made inappropriate choices. He knows this. We've talked through every aspect of his relationship with OW - when, how, where they met. Where they went. What they ate. When, where and how they had sex. Prob tmi but stuff that I needed to know.

We both now make more of an effort - him to be a better father and husband and me to be a better wife. To be there for him. To make time for us as a couple. Something I never did before. He always came way down my list of priorities.

He was vulnerable I suppose. She flattered him, she chased him and he was weak and went for it. That sounds like I'm excusing his behaviour and I'm not. He's a grown man. He made a choice, one which devastated his family.

I think what causes me the most pain is not the actual physical sex but the lying. I cannot bear being lied to and it's the betrayal that probably hurts the most.

Wales it sounds as though you worked on the relational vulnerabilities, but not the others. Did you both read the Shirley Glass book and look at individual, lifestyle and societal vulnerabilities, as well as those in your relationship? This affair won't have happened just because of the problems in your relationship, of that I'm certain.

No I didn't read the book - but I have read lots of advice here and tbh with the reading that I have to do to help my one son with his difficulties taking on any more in-depth reading right now is just too much for me.

I've known my husband for approaching 20 years. I know that my husband is intrinsically quite a selfish individual - the result, I'm sure, of having a mother who never put the needs of her children first and who consequently managed to raise three very selfish adult children.

He knows why he did it and I'm pretty sure I know why he did it. He did it because he could! And yes, I know that he could do it again. I know that it's possible that the opportunity may well present itself again. I'm as sure as I can be this time around that what we have now is too precious for him to endanger again. I think he's learned his lesson. I think he's acquired enough emotional intelligence to understand what he's done and what he risks by behaving like an idiot again.

I've made it very clear to him that I expect complete transparency - in everything that he does. He has always had a tendency to leave telling me things that he thinks I won't like till the last minute - until he thinks that I have to like it or lump it. He knows that that has had to stop. He knows that he can't just go and spend his money without telling me. He knows that lying by ommission isn't an option.

The affair happened because he was incapable of putting anyone else's needs before his own. This only hit home with him when I compared him to our children's birth families - who did the same thing.

That comparison hurt and that's, I think, what really gave him the kick up the backside that he badly needed.