How do I support DH?

[pointythings]

We found out yesterday that my MIL has suddenly died. She was nearly 74 but in good health and this was a complete thunderbolt. DH is American and so this has happened half a world away.

He says it still hasn't sunk in yet. He veers from being on the edge of breaking down to being his 'normal' self and says that most of the it feels like it is a dream and he is going to wake up soon and find out it isn't real. He also has thoughts - he said yesterday it just popped into his head that 'at least we will now be able to pay off the mortgage' (which is true) and then felt hideously guilty for having the thought.

He's gone to work as normal, says he can't stand to mope around the house and I agree - besides, he has very supportive friendly colleagues in the office.

Younger DD has her birthday tomorrow and her party the day after - we are going ahead with this as we don't want to blight her birthday now and for the future, but it is hard.

MIL is going to be cremated this weekend, and there'll be a memorial service in March - DH will be going to that and probably staying for at least a week to help with clearing house and so on - I think this will help with the grieving process especially as he will have his DBs with him.

Meanwhile what can I do? I'm listening and talking to him when he wants to talk, but I don't want to push him into anything he isn't ready for. We are both also trying to support the DC and I haven't (quite) forgotten about me - my MIL was wonderful, we literally never had a cross word, she raised a wonderful man for me and I will miss her so much.

It seems sad that he cant go over to the funeral, and I imagine that will be playing on his mind.

It is still very early days and because he is so far away, there is no organising for him to do, which is what usually helps you get through the first few days.

I think so far you are doing exactly the right thing, there isnt a lot you can do other than what you are already doing for him.

Sorry for you loss. :(

You've just got to be there for him really, grief doesn't follow a set pattern and people react differently, there is no right way to act or feel.
When my MIL died it was not unexpected but it's always a shock, he probably feels guilty at being so far away but that's natural, just reassure him and let him talk if he needs to and also give him space if he needs that, asking him if he's ok every five minutes is not helpful.

Oh pointy that's so sad, my condolences :(

The best thing you can do is let him be, and just be there for him I think. He'll probably be all over the place - fine one minute, sad the next and the best thing you can do is let him go through all that and let him know that you don't hold it against him if he's grumpy or snappy or just very silent. Let him talk talk talk if he needs to and try to relieve any extra pressure he might have by doing all the little jobs that he usually looks after - sorting out car insurance for example. I think it's also important when someone dies that you don't avoid mentioning them so over the next few months it might be worth making a conscious effort to mention your MIL when appropriate, such as "Oh MIL would have loved that" or "Do you remember when MIL said/did..." It might make your DH sad but it's a positive sadness IYSWIM?

Thank you all for your lovely comments, you are making me tear up...

I think I am probably doing what you have all suggested and will keep doing it - I think one of the things that makes me saddest was that MIL loved the English Royal Family and was really looking forward to the wedding. DH and I were going to splurge on some really nice souvenirs for her and now we won't have the chance...

Let your DH know that whatever he feels, there is no wrong or right. He shouldn't feel guilty if the thought about inheriting money pops into his head; it's just the practical side of his brain processing the shock. Whatever he wants or needs to talk about, be there to listen. Don't direct the conversation, just let it flow where he takes it.

Of course it feels unreal and like a dream - tell him that's completely normal. The mind can't comprehend someone existing one minute and then not being there the next. I know it's not the same as a parent, but I was very close to my grandparents and when they died (still have one gran left), I coped at first by making it feel like I'd not seen them for a while and wouldn't see them for another while. It works until you're accustomed to their absence.

Is she having a headstone? If so, perhaps you could still buy a small Royal Wedding souvenir to put at her graveside (if this would be allowed). Or buy one to keep yourselves in her memory. Small things like that can feel very healing.

You sound like you have a lovely relationship and close family, so am sure you will get through it together. My heart goes out to you all.

Scorpett, thanks -

My MIL is being cremated and is having her ashes scattered, but the idea of getting a souvenir in her memory is a good one - I will mention it to DH when he is on a more even keel.

Thank you so much!